The Problem Doesn't Disappear When You Ignore It

A few months ago, I was sitting at the famed Madonna Inn bar with a friend. It was 6:15 on a Saturday night.

The room was draped in the Madonna Inn’s signature magenta floral carpet. Gaudy chandeliers adorned with gold angels hung from the ceilings, while the pastel vinyl upholstery on the tufted Chesterfield armchairs was ripped from age and wear. A perfect balance of tacky kitsch and vintage charm, this place was my literal heaven.

By some miracle, I managed to break away from my children for a WHOPPING forty-five minutes before their bedtime to sneak a few sips of wine and some much-needed adult conversation. Because it was my birthday weekend, I gave myself permission to indulge in ALMOST AN ENTIRE HOUR OF FREEDOM. (Yes, I’m yelling.) I was really living large.

On this night, nobody was yelling “mom, look…mom, mommyyy…” at either of us. The only interruption was the occasional smoker’s laughs coming from the leathery-skinned women in their late fifties seated several bar stools over from us, who took sips of their vodka tonics in between flirting with the much younger bartender.

Though brief, that uninterrupted grown-up time at the Madonna Inn bar was glorious.

At one point during our conversation, I asked about one of my friend’s close friends. My friend admitted to “dropping the ball,” having forgotten to respond to several messages this friend had sent over the course of the past year. My friend confessed to me that she was now avoiding this friend for no reason other than responding after so long felt awkward—the unfortunate byproduct of the passage of time.

Around the same time, one of my very dear friends essentially ghosted me. The conversation with my friend at the Madonna Inn bar prompted me to wonder whether this other friend of mine was avoiding me simply due to the passage of time—and whether I was, in turn, avoiding her because I didn’t want to experience further rejection.

I started thinking of all the ways I avoid uncomfortable situations. I recalled the time I skipped a week of my silly (but very difficult) trampoline class and then avoided going back for an entire month; the longer I avoided it, the harder it was to return.

My mind also meandered to my Family Law clients who avoid confronting the problems in their relationships for so long that they ultimately end up divorced. Many married couples on the verge of divorce turn to counseling, having avoided it for years, as though admitting the relationship could benefit from guidance portends its demise. So, rather than confront, they dance around disagreements and their hurt in the hope their problems will just disappear. They don’t.

The more I pondered it, the more I realized human nature seems to gravitate toward avoidance. For some reason, we prefer it to confrontation—not in the aggressive sense, but the kind that requires us to honestly face unpleasant situations.

It turns out the reason may be rooted in our physiology. The brain’s amygdala interprets social tension as a direct threat, triggering our primal fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses. Apparently, the system responsible for the survival of our primitive ancestors still activates for us during psychological and social stress.

Psychologists have further identified several root causes that may additionally cause these avoidance behaviors:

• Fear of Rejection or Abandonment: Many worry that setting boundaries or communicating a gripe will cause others to judge, withdraw, or even end the relationship.

• The “Fawn” Response: Some people instinctively default to appeasing a perceived threat, as opposed to fighting or fleeing it—a behavior referred to as “fawning.” These individuals are prone to minimize their own feelings to neutralize the situation, saying things like, “it’s fine.”

• Prior Conditioning: Individuals who grew up in hypercritical or emotionally dismissive households often learn that speaking up results in punishment or invalidation. They have been conditioned to choose silence to avoid reliving those feelings.

• Low Self-Esteem: For a person with a low sense of self-worth, a disagreement can validate and perpetuate his or her feelings of inadequacy. This person may choose silence to preserve his or her remaining sense of acceptance.

• Cognitive Distortions: Our minds are prone to catastrophizing. We anticipate the worst-case scenario, rendering the prospect of confrontation significantly worse than it is.

This brief moment of self-protection is overshadowed by the nagging and inescapable reminder of the thing we are avoiding.

In Edgar Allan Poe’s seminal gothic story, “The Tell-Tale Heart,” the protagonist murders the man with whom he lives, dismembers the body, and buries it under the floorboards. (Stick with me here.)

When police officers arrive to question him about his roommate’s disappearance, the protagonist hears his dead roommate’s heart beating from beneath the floorboards. At first, he describes it as “a quick, low, soft sound, like the sound of a clock heard through a wall.” As the protagonist continues to be questioned by the police, the sound grows increasingly louder until the protagonist can’t take it any longer and admits to the crime.

This macabre story ends with the protagonist’s confession: “I admit the deed!—tear up the planks! here, here!—It is the beating of his hideous heart!"

Sure, “The Tell-Tale Heart” is not explicitly about avoidance. Rather, it serves as a cautionary reminder of the burden guilt places on the human conscience. Yet avoidance burdens the psyche in much the same way. It is believed to exacerbate anxiety, perpetuate cycles of depression, and erode our self-esteem.

Until we face the things we are avoiding, we will continue to hear that heartbeat growing louder and louder from beneath the floorboards, grating on our physical and mental health and relationships.

I don’t necessarily have an easy answer or solution. If you’ve made it this far, you’re probably thinking, “Well, this was anticlimactic.”

I do know that the most difficult experiences engender the greatest personal growth. By confronting the things we are most inclined to avoid—no matter how uncomfortable—we become stronger, and increasingly more confident and powerful.

Having taught yoga for nearly twenty years, I continue to draw guidance from ancient yogic wisdom. And yoga, indeed, offers valuable insight into this tendency. One of the five Niyamas—the yogic ethical rules for personal discipline and self-observance found in the Yoga Sutras—is svadhyaya, meaning “self-study.” Svadhyaya urges us to pay close attention to and actively study our reactions, behavioral patterns, thoughts and ego. It asks us to impartially observe the reason we think, say, or do the things we do—or, in this case, don’t do—without judgment.

By acknowledging what we avoid—and the reasons we avoid it—we find the strength to break free from automatic cycles.

Our personal evolution, physical and mental health, and happiness ultimately depend on our willingness to face what we would rather avoid, quieting the beating heart beneath the floorboards and finding peace.