I have lived in New York City for many decades now. All these years have sped by somehow without me realizing it, and suddenly I’m… pretty old!
I first moved to New York, along with about eight women from U.C. Santa Cruz, to follow our amazing modern dance teacher, Marcia Wardell, who had taught at U.C. Santa Cruz but was returning to NYC to continue dancing with Murray Louis. We all signed up to study at the Louis/Nikolais Dance Theater Lab, which I talk about further in this earlier post.
My plan was to stay in New York for a year and see what happens… and here I am, forty-plus years later.
When I first started walking the streets of New York, I wondered why everyone was looking down? Why is everyone walking so fast? Why don’t people look at each other? It’s so crowded here. People pushing onto the subways like fitting into a sardine can. Nobody wants to bother to wait for the next, possibly uncrowded train.
Not to mention the shorthand terminology here. I had never heard of a “regular” coffee and thought that meant coffee with nothing in it, which was what I wanted. No, I had to ask for coffee-black. And I had to hurry up about it because other people were waiting behind me in line (or, as you say in New York, “on line”) :)
I loved the vibrant energy of the city but as a shy person, it took a while for me to be able to speak up when I needed to.
And the subways: it was really hard to get accurate directions, and so easy to miss the stop I was supposed to go to. I remember getting off in some dicey neighborhoods and trying to sort out how to get where I was headed to.
At any rate, over time, almost without realizing it, I started to create this bubble of safety around myself. A bubble of light. Inside that bubble I am in my own space. I feel safe, I know where I am going, and generally feel pretty good, unless the streets get too crowded. I even will sing to myself when a melody comes into my head. No one appears to notice or care, ha ha!
It also helps me to notice any trees or birds, hearing the sounds that the birds make. Look up at the sky, and notice the color of the sky, colors and shapes of the clouds, remind myself that there is still a part of nature available even in the city. And of course, my frequent adventures to feed the squirrels are the best.
But on a day when I am extremely tired and stressed, that bubble of protection is torn through, and I start to notice more of the really tough sights that are around me. And feel the struggles and difficulties surrounding me.
The East Village, the neighborhood where I live, is full of those, particularly on certain streets. 14th Street (around First Avenue and east of that) in recent years is populated with people very much on the edge, in bad shape, and sad, angry, desperate. I feel really sad for them but also feel threatened by their presence, explosions just about to go off.
At the opposite end of the economic and class spectrum is a plethora of wealthy, white, blond, college-age kids who generally look mainstream and very much alike, particularly in comparison with the wild and diverse variety of ages, styles and vibes that populated this neighborhood years ago. I start to recall a Twilight Zone episode called “Number 12 Looks Just Like You”1. I can’t relate at all.
In these moments, I feel very alone and have entered a futuristic dystopian novel. I love New York, and it has always had these extremes, but it feels like since the pandemic, the extremes are further away from each other. The desperate ones are having more difficulty and are even more desperate.
OK, breathe… if I have to, I will turn onto a less populated street to catch my breath and start to feel a bit more like myself again. Ah, this block has beautiful trees all along the block. Not that I am ever unaware of these realities that surround me, but I need to retain my own balance, strength and sanity.
I return to the feeling that I am filled with light and carrying that light with me wherever I go. Knowing that I can be the light even in the darkest of places.
Following is a song that expresses more about this feeling. The lyrics are below the video.
There is a Special Place
There is a special place
Where I always want to be
A place where I can breathe
And just be
I see an open space
And sand on my feet
Hear the waves and
Feel the breeze
The smell of the salt air
The warmth of the sun
Scenes pass through me
Waves on the shore
Touching the magic
There’ll always be more
There is a special place
Where I always want to be
The dreams in the day and nighttime
Are filled with such beauty
The spaces of open time
The spaces inside my mind
Are blooming even in winter
Flowers in my heart
Even in the dark
The light can always be found
No matter where you are
The shadows can fade away
The sun can reappear
The light inside my heart
Will always conquer fear
The gardens in my spirit
Will bloom even in winter
I hold them in my heart
Even in the dark
Thanks for reading Notes From An Uncaged Warrior Parakeet! This post is public so feel free to share it. Have a look at my art site, my etsy shop, and my site on my work with animals. Have a look at my @sarahhauserart youtube for more of my music and my @sarahsuricat youtube for videos of my work with animals and tutorials on TTouch and other modalities. If you see any art in my posts that you are interested in, message me. Thanks so much!
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In this Twilight Zone episode, when people reach adulthood, they are required undergo the “Transformation.” They are given a limited choice of “models” of how they will look, and are required to have cosmetic surgery to achieve that look.
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