Today, I’ll be on video at my desk for anyone who wants to connect at 2:12 pm in their local time zone (Eastern, Central, Mountain, Pacific). No agenda needed. Just a casual chance to say hi to each other and answer any questions you might have.
Visit 212thing.com to say hello.
If no one shows up by the bottom of each hour, I’ll close the meeting until the next 2:12 pm until 2:30 PT.
It’s in the spirit of these thoughts from a couple of years ago—
I asked my partner1 why she thought we haven’t gotten together again with the So&Sos for dinner. She ran through the everyone’s-busy-with-this-and-that reasoning, but I don’t agree.
I think we make happen what we really want to happen.
Maybe we haven’t gotten together with the So&Sos again because while our last dinner together was enjoyable, none of us has decided to take the risk to suggest we do it again. And even then, as many of us have experienced, the gap between suggestion and doing can expand indefinitely.
“I have a friend here in Vermont … who I’ve been trying to hang out with for over a year. It’s like we keep making these plans, and we keep breaking them or something comes and gets in the way … It’s just something we haven’t been able to achieve, but we keep trying at it over and over again.”
Sheila Liming said that on a podcast. She wrote a book called, “Hanging Out: The Radical Power of Killing Time.”2 As the author of a book that encourages sharing unstructured time together, I liked that she told that truth about her and her friend’s inability to get together. It’s a story I believe many of us share. But I don’t think we’re unable.
We make happen what we really want to happen.
I’m lucky3 to be comfortable with trying to connect with people. I find it fun. And to me, a big part of connection is good conversation. Quick texts, calls, and emails can be helpful between conversations if I want to nurture a relationship. But a good conversation can also be enjoyed with anyone if we’re willing to try to connect. That’s where the baggage comes in.
Connecting with people requires at least one other person to join you. There’s risk. Time and attention used well … or not. Concerns about the possibility of awkward moments and being vulnerable. Sharing something in a way that accidentally upsets someone and hurts and weakens a relationship. Rejection now or in the future.
So much to think and talk about here but for people who feel connection and conversation is important, maybe the simple solution is doing our best to…
Drop our egos.
Remember our time here is finite.
Risk being a little more comfortable with the uncomfortable.
Enjoy the practice.
That last point is what makes it real. It won’t always go well but with deliberate and continual practice, barring some extreme exception, everyone wins. Deliberate and continual practice. Continually.
Some thoughts below on how to initiate more connections.
Tick tock.4
Here are some ideas that might be helpful to you. I say might because of the enormous personality, capability, and experience variables that can impact how easy or challenging these ideas might be for someone.
All of this assumes one is interested in other people and the exchange of ideas—asking, listening, learning, sharing, and improving together. Monologues are for preachers and actors.
With people you know—
Who. How. Where. When.
Think about the people you enjoy connecting with now and those you’ve enjoyed connecting with in the past. Then consider who of those people you’d like to spend more time talking with and how you’d like to talk with them (in person, by phone, by video). If it’s in person, think about what might be the best place(s) to talk given who you’ll be connecting with. Is it over a meal? Drinks? Restaurant? Bar? Coffee shop? Home? Walking? Sitting in a park or on the other side of a seesaw? (That’s supposed to make you smile. Do we still have seesaws?)
Next—
Consider whether you think it’s best to connect one-on-one or with a group. Know this can change over time. You might start by connecting as individuals and evolve to including others. The reverse might happen or you might decide to do both. Maybe you have two friends or couples who don’t know each other but you think might enjoy meeting. All kinds of possibilities but making it happen requires initiation. This is where that bag full of risk comes in and we do our best to—
Drop our egos.
Remember our time here is finite.
Risk being a little more comfortable with the uncomfortable.
Enjoy the practice.
Assuming you think connection and conversation is important and you enjoy it more than you don’t, initiate something. Start with scheduling a one-time thing (call, dinner, coffee, walk) and evolve to a regularly scheduled thing for those people you really enjoy (every week/month/quarter). Uh oh. There’s that bag full of risk again.
What if they don’t you enjoy you? You’ll find out. If they don’t, you can move on. If they do, more fun.
What if we enjoy each other now but that changes at some point? Then it changes and you get back to those 4 points above. Who knows? Maybe things will change again in the future.
With people you don’t know—
There’s a lot to enjoy here, especially when you get good with the 4 points. Wonderful conversations can be had with people you don’t know at all. (I’m the guy who’ll talk with you on a plane.) It’s a matter of initiating them ourselves and being open to the approach of others (approachable, inviting).
I get there are times when we don’t want to connect with people. I get there are times we want to enjoy silence and solitude. We just want to read or listen to something or look off into the distance in a meditative state. So do those things when you want, and don’t knowingly interrupt someone you think wants to do those things.
With practice, you’ll get good at identifying the latter. And yes, sometimes you’ll accidentally bother someone or wish you hadn’t tried to connect when you slowly learn the person is most interested in themselves or sharing their health or other woes. But again, with practice you’ll get good at polite exits.
In most cases, I’ve found talking with people I don’t know to be enjoyable and well worth the risks of a few awkward and unpleasant moments. And occasionally, some of those people I don’t know—become people I do know.
Enjoy°
Wife, spouse, and husband sound so Old Testament to me now. Partner feels a little hip and unromantic (and hip feels old) but I like the reminder that a relationship is a partnership. It seems more helpful to the attempt at a better us.
We’re not here to fill or kill time. I realize the title isn’t to be taken literally (old-school literally where literally literally means ‘taking words in their usual or most basic sense without metaphor or allegory’). But words send messages and time is life.
Why do I think it’s lucky to be comfortable trying to connect with other people? Because I know it’s not easy for everyone. It’s something you can practice, but it starts with a few Luckys. And I imagine the anxiety of being uncomfortable trying to connect with others is difficult and draining.
Although according to Michael Lewis in his book The Big Short, it might be a superpower. He describes the investor Michael Burry (subprime mortgage crisis winner) writing, “He attributed his unusual powers of concentration to his lack of interest in human interaction … He was merely isolated and apart, without actually feeling lonely or deeply unhappy. He didn’t regard himself as a tragedy; he thought, among other things, that his unusual personality enabled him to concentrate better than other people.” This seems like an oversimplification, but I don’t know Burry. He’s married and has kids. For their sake, I hope he has some interest in human interaction.
Email me anytime with your thoughts, questions, or suggestions. With suggestions, please don’t be shy or worry about my feelings. Quick, blunt, and helpful is always welcome. Your time is valuable and I’m in the back half of my second third (maybe).
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