stop sabotaging yourself

I’ve been on vacation for the past few weeks, which resulted in a partial disconnect from my electronics and yes, even my writing. I can’t lie; this brought me a significant amount of anxiety. Whenever I remembered my laptop, untouched in the corner of my room and collecting dust, my heart would palpitate and my forehead would moisten with the fears that I was not doing enough and thus, was not enough myself.

A mistake I have made often throughout my life is equate my output with my self-worth. If I was doing the most, not sleeping, and never resting, I felt happy with myself. I felt like I was finally doing something right and deserved to feel joy. If I went to the gym five days in a row, my chest would swell with pride. If I skipped a day, I scolded myself for being lazy. Something I would often repeat to myself was that diamonds are made under pressure, a metaphor that I think lacks context. Natural diamonds take 1.1 billion years to form and only do so under very special circumstances. In actuality, diamonds are not rushed.

So, I am attempting to reverse my programming. Whenever I scold myself for resting, I remind myself that: 1. I work hard for most of the year, and 2. opportunities that are meant for you do not pass you by. I can’t try to do everything and hold on to everything. It’s pointless, since there is only so much that is in my control, and I think I have a good grasp on what is.

This led me to think about other habits in myself and others that I think contribute to ruining one’s life. It’s a bold statement, but I use it because it is that serious - I have seen people’s lives ruined over these things. It’s very easy for negativity to overpower positivity, especially because we’re comfortably conditioned to stick to our bad habits and resolving them makes us uncomfortable. I know that these habits form and persist under specific circumstances that are unique to different people, but I don’t think that makes them any less important to break.

1. Fixation on the worst-case scenario

“What if _____?” Yeah, and what if none of that ever happens and you’re completely fine? Or what if it does, but your positivity gives you the perseverance necessary to overcome it? Or what if life is going to go on, with or without you?

This one is especially painful when you try your best to look at the glass half-full and it seems like you’re being dismissed for being naive. I once read somewhere that almost eighty percent of your bad thoughts never actually come true. With that in mind, is it worth it to let them consume you?

2. Never taking the advice you ask for

There are some people who will never take the advice they themselves have asked for and will instead overstep your opinion to do the same thing they would have always done. That’s perfectly fine, but a failure to try something new or actually process valid points is never going to allow you to repair what’s broken in your life. The people around you give you advice because they care about you, and if they don’t, then you need to develop the skills I will list in #3.

Don’t get me wrong - there is a great power in knowing yourself and following your heart. Sometimes, we might act illogically, but it is because our intuition is guiding us towards the greater good. It is important to discern between this and when it’s time to stop repeating old cycles and listen to what the people around you have been begging you to fix.

3. No boundaries or discernment

This is probably the one I am most guilty of. I let people take advantage of me and then complain that they took advantage of me. This is a cycle that needs to be broken. Someone on TikTok (the place where I get most of my good advice, other than books) said that emotions are power, and someone controlling your emotions means that they can control you. This is unfortunately and sadly true, especially for women, whose emotions and good nature often gets manipulated and preyed upon. You need to set boundaries with people. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. You need to discern who is a good and bad person and what people’s intentions are without being blinded by your emotions.

I used to think that because I am a writer and consider myself artistic, being fluid and open with my emotions makes me more in tune with the world, and that having boundaries would reduce my capacity for empathy. This is not true. Empathy will always be there, but you will just become more selective with who gets access to it.

4. Self-doubt wins every time

This is closely related to #1, but it’s more internal.

“I can’t wear that. I’ll never win, so what’s the point in trying? I wish I could change.”

Just stop doubting yourself. Tell yourself this - “worse people than me have done this. Less talented people than me have done this.” It is always true. Instead of focusing on what you lack, focus on what you have and how you can play to your strengths. Stop being insecure. We’re on a floating rock and we’re all going to die. Just do the thing you want to do.

5. Unproductive jealousy

Jealousy is not necessarily a bad emotion. First of all, it’s a completely natural one. Some people shame themselves for feeling it, but it’s a part of life. It all depends on what you do with it. Jealousy can be great fuel for self-improvement. If you see someone with something you want, you can think of all the ways you can get that for yourself. If you admire what someone embodies, you can try to embody it, too (in your own way, of course. Copying someone directly feels unnatural and people can always tell when you’re doing it).

Jealousy becomes a nuisance when it contributes to your insecurities and never takes you anywhere. Also, I’ve seen people become very hateful of others because of their envy. Worst of all, it can make you hate yourself, which is never fun. There is enough of life to go around. There’s no need to hate someone for what they have. And you should always clap for others, because your turn will come eventually.

6. Just move on

This was another one that has been hard for me. Life can be very painful and unfair. But instead of ruminating on its unfairness and living in the past, you need to find a way to move forward. Most of the time, it isn’t easy. Sometimes, you need to do it all alone. But you still need to do it. If you don’t, the only person who is going to get hurt is you. The person who wronged you will move on with their lives. The thing you lost will still be lost to you. Sometimes, karma avenges you. Often times, it doesn’t. There is not much we can do about life’s misfortunes. We can just enjoy the good things as much as possible.

7. DETACH!

This is related to #6. Stop getting attached to the idea that your life has to work out a certain way in order for you to be loved or happy or successful. Counterintuitively, it’s about the destination, not the journey. You will achieve those things. But not when you believe they need to happen in the way you outlined them in your head. Life rarely goes according to plan, and the faster you can accept that you have limited control over the narrative of your own life, the freer you will feel. I am a physically type B but mentally type A kind of person, and so detaching has always been hard for me. But once you do it, everything becomes easier. So what if it’s not that person, or that job, or that city, or those friends? Something else will replace it that is even more wonderful than what came before. You have to believe that, and believe in you.