Struggling with knowing which direction to go is a very human behavior that is a forever wrestling match throughout our time together.
although we do often need to make peace with the uncertain, remember that is a lifetime-long process.
all you have to do right now is make an attempt to soothe your instinctual reaction to change. like a wild animal, just let it be.
you can do that through affirming that where you currently are is where you’re supposed to be, that its okay to be unsure, and to recognize that, after a certain amount of time, you’re going to do what you are going to do regardless. its just a question of what it will look like, not whether you will do it at all.
desires, as all things do, evolve and grow throughout the process of being in the universe. what you are thinking of today started years in your past.
initial inspiration received in the form of a newborn desire
the brain processes this desire-seed, engaging with it for the first time, before putting it down and moving onto the next stimuli received.
when a new stimuli is received that is in anyway related (whether we know it or not) to the desire, it adds a piece of nutritious compost around where it left the desire seed.
each piece of connective compost has a unique effect that changes the state of the pile. the desire-seed adapts to what is received and synthesizes everything into a new collective that bears the aspects of all compost items in the pile.
repeat ad infinitum, as it arises naturally.
compost layers arrive from information learned through further experience, small adjustments to our worldview and belief systems, and gaining context over time.
each compost item added has a unique property that changes the whole pile. each property either compounds in the new total property developed or is discarded, all of its nutritious resources expended.
the desire matures while it remains underground, buried in brain humus, reserving energy and establishing a root-network foundation to build upon.
gradually, with the right amount of unique compost additions, the desire-seed’s roots have grown strong enough that a fresh green sprout manages to poke its head out the top of the pile. this is the delicate doorway from imaginitive workings in one’s head to something concrete, something of substance. or at least, it will be, if the sprout follows through on its promise of growth.
consider a sprout to be a specific attempt to manifest the desire seed.
a single project idea. one journal session, one brainstorm, one way we think the desire can form itself in reality for us to behold. these are what sprouts are.
sprouts are either nurtured or not. they all eventually become compost, which feeds the pile for the next sprout to emerge from.
some die before they reach an inch, some die right before fruiting season. some are abandoned after a period of time and buried in more compost, having to make the journey to the surface a second time, or more. sometimes, you have multiple sprouts from the same pile, and you have to decide which your going to pay attention too first.
enthusiasm about a single sprout helps, but is not all that is required to have a robust garden.
surrender requires believing that what is happening right now is exactly what is meant to happen right now, in this order, and letting it happen as it is meant to.
there are histories in every moment. life compounds, so what is happening currently is happening because something previous called it forth, through a discrete and specific set of circumstances spanning back to the Biggest of Bangs at the Start.
so what does this mean for our little sprout?
it means that it is out of our hands, what happens to our sprout. all we have is this present moment to react to. we cannot choose which sprout will become a complete plant. we cannot even choose which sprout will grow at all. all we can do is continue to surrender to the natural movement of the universe.
if a project dies before completion, it’s not a moral failing of yours. it simply wasn’t meant to happen like you had originally thought.
a very smart therapist once said to me:
even incomplete or ‘failed’ projects provide insight into the truth we are trying to uncover with our lives. this is insight you didn’t have when your first attempt began. this is valuable information that you can use forever moving forward.
and don’t worry about whether or not you’ll remember it later. if its relevant to your story, your desire, and what you are meant to be doing, it will be there. most ‘forgotten’ information is still in the brain, just offloaded to save energy. if you’re supposed to remember it, you will.
follow your natural impulses by trusting that its all practice for a result that is hidden from you, and you will always be learning how to do what you desire.
love, reuven
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