The Fear that it might actually work

I have been holding back sending newsletters out. I have also been holding back from launching Composer HQ. And I have even been holding back from advertising my community.

I have been faced with a stark and all too familiar fear. Not that it will fail, but that it will do the opposite.

I have been scared that these things will actually start to take off, gain traction and become successful.

This feels different to imposter syndrome, I am not scared that I am a fraud or that I somehow cheated the system to get where I am. I know that feeling very well and was confronted with it almost every time I landed a trailer or big sync.

This is the fear that actually, I have what it takes to get there but that I don’t have what it takes to stay there. That I won’t be able to handle it when it takes off.

I mean, what happens if this thing I’ve built actually does what I hoped, and then I would have to live with the consequences - The pressure of working. The exposure of being seen. The risk of being responsible for it.

I have been writing newsletters but not sending them. Spending hours tweaking and fixing bugs on Composer HQ.

I have been telling myself that these things “aren’t quite ready”

I see the irony in this. For years I have been preaching to my students about “done is better than perfect” and “70% done is good enough” which is still a rule I apply to writing music, I just never thought it would creep into my business.

Failure is familiar. You know how to grieve it, restart, pivot. At least with failure I can blame someone else 😂

Success on the other hand means showing up and being responsible for it, being visible, being judged on something that actually matters.

That’s the bit nobody prepares you for.

No one has said, “well, once this things takes off you need to make sure you have X Y and Z in place”

This is what happened with Protege. It did really well and I don’t think I was ready for it.

That planted the seed in me that I am not ready for success.

I’ve let that seed of doubt grow for years. But with Composer HQ and Composer Academy I can feel a small resistance building against it.

People are starting to sign up and use Composer HQ and I know there is a quiet voice wanting me to delay the next steps because once it is out there it’s out there.

But there is also a quiet whisper (there it is again) telling me that I am onto something quite wonderful.

I also have a small and awesome community of composers who are supporting me which defo helps.

This is not an email about how I triumphed over my fears.

Not at all.

This is simply me saying “Bloody hell, this thing might actually work and it scares the shit out of me” and trying to figure out how to move past it.

The way to move past it is to acknowledge it, feel it, and then send this bloody email.

I am still scared that these things will fail and now, I am also scared that they will actually be hugely successful. Sounds ridiculous I know but hey we are all weird and wonderful.

The thing that makes this easier is that I know that you can relate.

Thanks for taking your time to read this, I am very grateful, and I hope it helps in some way. And yes I would LOVE to be endlessly funny and upbeat but sometimes these things need to be addressed and the more they are the easier it is to overcome them.

Have a lovely weekend

Rx

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