Horoscopes for Virgo Season 2026

Summer is officially over for me (but not you if you don’t have school like I do) and Virgo season is here to replace all the fun in the sun. If you’re anything like me, you have to get your priorities in check and make sure you can complete all your assignments thoughtfully and on time. For those of you in just regular jobs—or even unemployed—this is the time for you to get serious about things. Fun time is over, spreadsheet time is in. Clean your closet. Say no to that last-minute concert instead of meal prepping. Remember what’s important.

Aries
You need a cleanse. You need to get one of those full-body baths where someone scrubs every crevice of your body and removes all your dead skin, making you feel raw like a plucked chicken. Only after that can you succeed.

Taurus
You will find $100 on the ground sometime this month. That’s really exciting! The bad news: the $100 will be in the form of a Party City gift card. You’re not really in need of any cheap plastic party supplies right now, and it will be annoying to try and find an open store now that private equity closed most of them. A gift from the universe just seems to offer up more problems.

Gemini
A couple of old-timey bandits are going to kidnap you for ransom. They will immediately let you go because you’re not actually J.P. Morgan’s daughter and you cannot shut the fuck up in the car while they’re kidnapping you so they let you go. Never underestimate your power.

Cancer
While the weather is still nice, you’ve been going on a lot of walks. As a creature of habit, you’ve developed a daily route and mid-stroll you stop and sit under the same tree. It is quite nice and peaceful. Not a lot of people come this way, which you like while you like to walk around feeling emo. One day, though, you hear a whisper. Looking around, there’s nobody there. The whisper gets louder. “Excuse me!” the voice exclaims. “Up here!” The tree seems to be talking to you.

Leo
Something is wrong with your bank account, so you take this month to get to the bottom of it. You spend days meticulously tracking all your expenses and purchases. Wait, something doesn’t look right. You look closer to the screen and notice a payment of $1.87 to a Jiminy Cricket go through every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. You don’t know a Jiminy Cricket. You’re getting played. Freeze your credit and get to the bottom of this.

Virgo
Happy birthday, Virgo! You’re a hard worker and your hard work is about to be paying off. That dog detective business you always wanted to start with your best friend/business partner/love interest after season three is going to take off soon! TLC will take note and will want a reality show starring the two of you stat. You will accrue a decent amount of money.

Libra
You will impulse buy one of those giant bean bag chair couch things because your friend has one and it seems like a good idea. Plus, you have the space for it. After a long day of work, you plop yourself down onto the bean bag bed. It is so comfortable that you do not get up for at least a few days. It’s bean bag rotting time.

Scorpio
You’ve been a little too accessible to the people around you, and you feel like your friends, family, and colleagues need to put in a little bit of extra effort in order to reach you this month. Before you disappear to your hiding place, you scatter a bunch of elaborate clues and tasks for those who want to find you need to decipher and complete. The clues will lead to your whereabouts, and only then can you be properly reached.

Sagittarius
After cyber bullying the mayor, the mayor’s office reaches out to you for a meeting. You aren’t in trouble—the mayor wants to know if you want a job.

Capricorn
Some of your friends convince you to go spelunking this month as an end-of-summer one last hurrah. You don’t really get how cave diving is a good idea—people die in caves all the time. Something tells you to go anyways, despite your natural instinct to bail on this one. When in the cave, you discover something so beautiful and so haunting. It will change your life forever.

Aquarius
You didn’t read the full terms and conditions and now a new tech company nobody has ever heard of has full ownership of your entire Pokémon card collection.

Pisces
One day you woke up and found yourself only able to speak in riddles. This causes problems with your boss, who thinks that you’re hiding something because you’re physically incapable of saying a direct “yes” or “no” answer. Things at work get tense as this persists. Everyone thinks you’re making fun of them, but you’re not.

SHOWS!

• Wednesday 8/26, 9:30pm at Annoyance I will be joining TTYPWYWTS in doing some improv opening for a show!

• Thursday 8/27, 8:00pm at Uptown Tap: I will not be at Clock That Tea this month (I am seeing BTS) but the show is going to happen and it will be good! If you are not going to see BTS come to Uptown Tap to watch the show. Reserve a free seat here.

• Saturday 8/29, 8:00pm at The Other Side (in Crystal Lake), I’m doing Laugh It Off once again. So if you’re in the suburbs, come by!

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