Horoscopes for Cancer Season 2026

The summer solstice already happened and that means it’s my (questionably) favorite time of year: Cancer season! As a fellow Cancer, this month is all about celebrating my birthday and trying to be normal about it instead of crying myself to sleep every night. Why do we do this! Not everything can always just be about summer fun. This summer, get deep in your feelings. Start scream-crying to the people that wronged you. Get a little glitter on your face. Nothing is good when you share a sign with the United States of America.

Aries
At family dinner, someone makes a comment about how they don’t like your shoes. They look cheap, they say. That small infraction is the last straw, though. You’ve been boiling for months, if not years. You grab your glass of wine and throw it right in their face. They deserve it. Everyone is shouting. The dining room is covered in food. The floor is wet. You will need to clean this up.

Taurus
Be sure to check your spam folder this month. If you don’t, you will miss the email that tells you you won an all-expense paid trip to the villa right next to where they’re shooting Love Island.

Gemini
You get a knock on the door. It is an old man in a black suit. He looks British even without speaking (he is British) and he is not sweating at all despite the heat. There’s something off about him—supernatural, even. He says he is here on important business. It turns out your great-great grandfather had accrued millions of dollars in gambling bets, but made a deal to put off payment for generations of kin later. Apparently, it’s now your time to pay up. You may be able to cut a deal for a part of your soul.

Cancer
Happy birthday, Cancer! Solar returns can be a bit rough because we are naturally very sensitive beings. Don’t fret, though. While you’re in your regular pre-birthday depression and you decide to isolate yourself, you will emerge from your bout of summertime sadness looking just so, so hot. People will be turning heads with how hot you look. People may actually want to touch your body during the summertime for the first time ever. It’s a whole new you, a whole new everything.

Leo
You’ve started feeling a little handy around the house, so after many trips to Home Depot in a sort of trance, you have enough building materials to make a little shed out in the back. There, you will retreat when you don’t want anyone to bother you. Your loved ones won’t see you for days. You’ve never felt better.

Virgo
Being a very organized and optimized person, you have secretly been scoring all of your friends on a numerical scale with data you have collected for years. You feel you have finally gotten enough data to determine who is the true Best Friend. You may not even like the answer.

Libra
You will get a message on LinkedIn from a recruiter who is offering you basically your dream job. Even if you are happily employed, it’s never a bad idea to go through with a potentially better opportunity. When offered an interview, you go over to the address the recruiter gave you. When you arrive, it’s just an empty, abandoned parking lot. There are no buildings, and no other people. A wave of dread comes over you. In the distance, you hear a truck’s engine start to rev up. You get in your car and get the hell out of there before it’s too late.

Scorpio
An internet rabbit hole that keeps you up one night will keep you up every night forever.

Sagittarius
You get a bill in the mail from what looks to be your hometown’s public library. They say that you have an overdue book from October 17, 2002 and you’ve been accruing interest to the tune of $10,653.43 for the last 24 years. You look at the library’s overdue policy and they’ve stopped taking late fees for years. You call them up to dispute this apparent error and they say, “Yes, that’s true. But you’re a special case.”

Capricorn
An old lover reappears. They don’t want to win back your heart. They want the hoodie you’ve been keeping in the back of your closet for the last four years. It is an unromantic affair. Your heart hurts, remembering what could have been.

Aquarius
You come across one of those carts with a woman handing out free cans of a new energy drink. You take one, and already feeling tired that morning, drink the beverage. It tastes pretty good. For a while, you still feel good—energized even. Then the shakes start. Your heart beats faster. You feel like someone’s watching you. You don’t go back to sleep for another 72 hours.

Pisces
This month, practice some self control. Instead of trying for a summer romance, start working on knitting a sweater. Anytime you start to feel impure thoughts, start working on the sweater until you feel normal again.

UPCOMING SHOWS!

• Wednesday 6/24, 7pm at Sleeping Village I will be doing some flute stuff for Dykes Got Talent. Get your tickets!

• Then head over at 8pm for the Slept on Showcase at Burton Place. It’s free!

• 6/25, 8pm at Uptown Tap there is more tea to spill at Clock That Tea! It’s free but reserve a spot here.

• 6/29 at 7pm I am in the Buckets at Burton Place showcase. It’s also free!

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