Why can't sacred work be fun too???

Ever since I released my first group offering in years last week, I have been feeling off. I just didn’t know what it was.

At first, I thought it was fear. Because I was obsessively checking the stats, responses, open rates and whatnot. And I really didn’t like that feeling.

But it wasn’t fear at all, because I was still feeling fully safe in my body. I wasn’t questioning the space that had come through. I thought it was the yearning to work again in a group. But again, when I closed my eyes, I couldn’t feel the conversations, the energy of the space in my body.

I was fully in my mind, with apprehensions.

What if no one joins in? Do I postpone the program? Is it even the right time? Can my content carry all the load to spread the word? So many more questions were floating by, but when I dug deeper, all I found was neutrality and deep safety.

It was like walking through a maze and hitting wall after wall after wall.

As someone who immediately jumps into fixing something, sitting with this weird itch felt like pulling out teeth.

The content ideas kept coming, though. And I kept writing.

But though it did not feel forced, it didn’t flow either??? Like it’s flowing now…my hands are flying across the keyboard at this point. It was a weird, murky, stuck place. Bllleeeggghhhh.

I couldn’t listen to my soul either. Or the time wasn’t ready. The only message I kept getting was: Keep going.

So I did.

Then yesterday, I didn’t notice it fully at first, but it felt like a series of messages from the universe shaking my shoulders. You know those waves that build up and then, without warning, hit you in the face? That’s what it felt like!

The message? “Where’s the damn joy and excitement, Shruthi???!!!”

By the end of the day, it felt like a bucket of cold water had been poured. Somewhere along the way, I had gone back into the modus operandi of doing things from my mind SO THAT something else happens. And that never ever works for me anyway.

The irony? My first mental instinct was, “What do I DO to feel joy??” lol hahaha.

Again, a subtle message. Just go through the day. The time will come.

That’s when I had a conversation with a friend in the evening.

Ever since my spiritual awakening, and even before…ever since I remember and then when I started my work as a business guide, there’s been one truth that I haven’t fully allowed myself to accept.

For years, I’ve thought…the people I work with have such deep experiences, most of the time traumatic. I’ve thus always considered the space as sacred, divine, powerful and more. I thought empathy and the complete focus on that person was the primordial supreme.

Which it still is, and always will be, don’t get me wrong.

But the truth is, I don’t do this work to “help” or “serve” people. I’ve never resonated with those phrases and have sort of subconsciously run away from them, too.

(Gosh, it feels so good to type it out loud after feeling guilty about it for years.)

I love love love talking to people. Getting to know them.

Every time I’m with a client, the sessions feel like a dance. There’s a rhythm. Music. I get so deeply fascinated and enchanted with the emotional nuances, layers…almost like pieces of a puzzle all connecting together. Or knots that we get to untangle one at a time.

I love looking at patterns. When someone experiences an ah-ha moment that stays with them for ages to come and fundamentally transforms their being.

I love exploring my gifts to their full potential, as they bloom in layers. I love listening to the soul, the space, the universe…I love that divine connection that occurs between the people in that space…and how everything, even when it makes no damn sense in that moment…ultimately comes together and makes sense. I love laughing, crying, joking, holding, being sarcastic and ultimately vulnerable with people.

I find so much joy in it!!!!!

And for years, I thought:

“Experiencing joy through this might mean I’m disrespecting the space and person in front of me.”

I’ve felt guilty for feeling that in such a deeply sensitive, emotional, nuanced space. For doing the work for ME…when the whole spiritual community pitter-patters around service.

(This isn’t to demean anybody. If that resonates with you, I completely respect it. But it just isn’t it, for me.)

Why can’t a space be tender and joyous, nuanced and fun, filled with empathy, power and be beautifully sarcastic??!! Like walking on an unknown road with a girlfriend, exploring the path, having a ball of a time, which is also deeply healing.

That’s how I visualise the spaces that come through me to be, you know?

It’s 11:41 here, and I just couldn’t stop the words from tumbling out. And even writing this feels so damn healing. I could cry.

Because suddenly I can feel The Stride Room again in my body.

Yes, the room is tender, fierce, raw, vulnerable and powerful as hell. But there’s also play and laughter and sarcasm. And so much play!!! Like, how cool is it to say “fuck you” to all the rules we’ve put on ourselves, listen to the soul completely, play with our gifts and explore the full damn extent of our creativity??? How cool is it to not give a shit about what others might think, and to sit with the space so deeply that you pull nuance after nuance for your content? Like a kaleidoscope, seeing a million different views. You know?

This is so so awesome!

Thank you, universe, for guiding me towards what was missing all along.

A billion thank yous.

Okay, I’m gonna pass out now.

Bye!!!