Last week a friend and I shared a long late-afternoon walk on the beach at Hunting Island, and then we stopped at a local burger place on the way back, acknowledging, almost in unison, “That sauce…. mmmmm!”
The next day I got on a plane from Savannah to Dallas, a flight with an extraordinary number of parents with toddlers. There were no fewer than thirty Very Small People, and when a storm over Dallas diverted the flight for a 2-hour “time out” in San Antonio, those little people found their Big Unhappy Voices. To be fair, lots of the grown-ups were unhappy too, and a few of them got noisy as well.
Southwest Airlines attendants have a baked-in secret sauce, combining and distributing undisclosed-but-generous amounts of humor, patience, snacks, and paper crowns. They were busy, kind, and helpful. They wanted to get off the plane as much as the rest of us, but made staying on a little more fun for everyone, and certainly less stressful for the parents of the Small People.
In Dallas the next morning, I went to pick up my Mom from the Memory Care home where she lives, and walked into the specialized Secret Sauce unique to these challenging places – this time it smelled like cinnamon toast and sounded like laughter. “Ohh, Miss Ida! Your girl is here for you! Look at you - like sisters!” Mom beams. These care-givers give care generously. I’m astonished by their affection for her, and grateful beyond measure.
At church our pastor talked about the power of kindness, of care, and specifically the secret sauce of empathy. (Podcast version below; note: his “Cheeseburger in Paradise” moment was epic)
I keep thinking about the people in my life and their own particular and unique versions of the secret sauce - that wondrous aspect of their distinctive and individual being that gives life a brighter flavor, making them extra magnetic and nourishing, making us crave a little more time together.
The friend whose curiosity is so warm: she’s deeply interested in the people around her, and somehow never crosses that delicate line into inappropriate or invasive questioning. She just cares, and I feel it in my bones, and it feels safe and thoughtful.
The friend who quietly, invisibly, champions the women in her orbit, never making it about herself.
The friend whose sense of humor helps us laugh when the state of the world tempts us to moan.
The friend who listens with every cell of her being, because she really wants to understand - not fix, or eclipse - just understand.
The neighbors who are attentive in the kindest ways, and not in the nosy ways, who don’t mind picking up the mail or dragging a big broken tree limb out of the yard after a storm.
That friend who’s always rooted in kindness.
The friends who function like “silly string” connecting everyone in their orbit to one another, for the good of all.
The friend who can sit with you in silence for hours, or days, because she knows that sometimes silence can say more than words.
The stranger on the plane who notices and compliments the ring you wear on a chain around your neck, knowing but not asking.
My mother’s bright blue eyes, lighting up when she sees me, and the questions she asks again and again - because she loves hearing about the grandkids, even if we just talked about them. When I take her to church, she lights up when she’s sees someone she’s known, even if she can’t remember the name. She recognizes love when she sees it.
These are some of the secret-sauce-people in my world, and I can’t get enough of them.
All these expressions and variations of the secret sauce have one main ingredient in common: empathy. It’s kindness, it’s compassion, it’s the divine light in human flesh. Empathy.
And - weirdly - empathy has been under attack lately.
My friend and pastor, Clayton Oliphint, spelled it out for us in his message on Sunday: Empathy is the desire and ability to care about what another person is feeling, to want to understand the other person’s perspective, to want good for another.
He told us: We can choose to bless or choose to blame. Empathy chooses to bless. Empathy is the energy of healing and wholeness. Not just for us, but for everyone.
The Christian New Testament says it this way: “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep”. Lead with your heart. Empathy’s not judgmental or envious or transactional. It doesn’t have to be “earned” or “deserved”; it’s something we give because we have hearts that beat and feel and care.
These centuries-old words were written to people who said they wanted to live and love like Jesus. So this is canon for those who identify as Christians.
But they’re also words of wisdom for anyone who wants to engage in the nurturing of a healthier world, the kind of world we’re hungry for:
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind….
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment.…
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good…. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.Do not be conceited….
Do not repay anyone evil for evil….If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord….
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
~ From the Apostle Paul’s letter to the church at Rome, Chapter 12
I don’t know about you, but I want to be part of a world that overcomes evil with good, that reflects light in the darkness, that chooses to bless rather than blame, that knows and wields the power of empathy.
That’s the world the secret sauce makes possible. That’s the world empathy builds, one generous gesture at a time.
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Thanks for reading Question Marks! This post is public so feel free to share it.
*P.S. This reflection was inspired by Rev. Dr. Clayton Oliphint’s recent sermon at First United Methodist Church of Richardson, Texas. You can listen to his full message here—and trust me, the Cheeseburger in Paradise moment at 16:55 is epic.*
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