The Red Heifer, the Rapture, and the Orange Man

In a 1998 New Yorker piece, “The End Times,” Lawrence Wright wrote about American Pentecostals’ strange quest for the red heifer. It’s a long story and well worth reading, but here’s the short of it: if “a red heifer without spot” (Numbers, 19) is found, then the Israelites, purified by its sacrifice, can cross the River Jordan and found their holy nation.

For Pentecostal American cattlemen this became a metaphor for the ultimate purification: the End Times, the Rapture. Breeding a red heifer, the faithful would be raptured and we apostates and non-believers would fry here below. The 1000-year reign of the returning Jesus would begin. Whoopie!—for them. Us? Not so much.

My friend Michelle Shocked asks that I clarify that Pentecostals with such aspirations are from the extreme wing of the faith.

The cattlemen’s problem was that a red heifer without one white, brown, or black hair was damn hard to breed. Lucky us.

But here’s the problem. The Bible often deals in metaphors. Trump deals in alternate facts. What if the red heifer was actually orange? What if an orange tan would suffice? What if the End Times came not when the Temple was rebuilt but when the Orange Man rained terror down on the Whore of Babylon? Having no End Game after the attack on Iran is his sure-fire way of creating the chaos that will lead to the End Times. Checkmate!

OK, true, ancient Babylon was in present day Iraq, not Iran. But, like I said, we are dealing with “alternative facts” here, and the red heifer, I mean, the Orange Man has been known to redraw or change names on maps.

Lawrence Wright wrote that New Yorker piece when he did because the year 2000—the Millenium—was fast approaching. The Pentecostals were speedily mixing their genetic potions in hopes of getting The Chosen to the Church on time. If Y2K didn’t get us, the red heifer would.

Didn’t work out last time. Won’t work out this time.

When’s the last time Trump delivered on a plan?