What Dreams Are Made Of

Me at 25, twenty years early for my Love Island audition

I have a recurring nightmare where I’m asked how old I am, and reply “25” before suddenly realizing that no…that was twenty years ago. Last night, however, the nightmare flipped on itself: In it, I was actually twenty-five, newly graduated from college, and my parents kept asking me what I planned to do with my life, where I planned to live, what I planned to be. I had no idea what to tell them. Now that’s a nightmare.

There are plenty of reasons I’m glad I’m no longer in my twenties — among them, the aforementioned existential dread — but you know what I’m really mad I missed out on? Whatever the kids are doing with fashion these days. I mean, have you seen the dresses on Love Island? Let’s put aside the joy that the Zach/Bryce (b?)romance brings me — oh god, they’re so adorbs — and how much I enjoy Kenzie’s facial expressions; I simply cannot get enough of the asymmetrical, skintight, completely gravity-confounding dresses that these girls seem to possess in infinite quantities. Did we have dresses like that when we were younger? I seem to remember the sun rising and falling on slipdresses, and that’s pretty much it.

And sure, I’m sure there’s some kind of fashion budget these ladies get for clothing (is there?), but I have to assume most of these are off-the-rack from relatively inexpensive brands. (I looked it up, and yes: most of these are from, like, Fashion Nova and Shein.) So that’s just…what’s available nowadays?

I am so jealous.

Let’s look at a few of my favorite looks from the current season (so far), shall we? I’m going to include Ariana’s dresses in here because while they are most certainly on a higher plane in terms of quality and cost, making it not really a competition…I mean, they’re so good.

Trinity (#Brinity4eva) in CouCoo: The color! My favorite thing about this, though, is that it shows 1/800th of the amount of skin most of the Love Island dresses show…until you realize that it’s completely see-through, and if she’s wearing anything at all under it, I certainly couldn’t tell. God I love these women.

Kayda in Outcast: I just…I don’t…how did she figure out how to get this on?

Melanie in Jaded London: Again, the color. I (somewhat unfortunately) relate to Melanie the most out of all the girls in the house — the willingness to completely ignore reality plus the constant low-grade chaos that’s ready to erupt at the first sign of a Sol — but I have to say: She looks consistently spectacular. I think it’s the face. And, ok, the body. And the hair. Someone get her a contract.

Kayda in a Fashion Nova crochet maxi: I gasped when I saw this. Out loud. I would look like an actual couch cushion if I wore something like this nowadays, but I love this for Miss Kayda. It is a fact that every 20-something should spend as much time almost-naked as possible, and these women are doing the lord’s work.

Kayda in White Fox: Can you tell Kayda’s looks just do it for me? I love a long-sleeved mini, love a nice twist on an LBD, and especially love dresses that are apparently $20 or therabouts.

About the bikinis: I’ve spotted Princess Polly, Frankie’s Bikinis, and Hello Molly, but the vast majority are from Shein. I don’t endorse shopping at Shein, although I (shamefully) do, because I cannot afford my daughter’s current growth spurt and fashion tastes, and one does not always have time to hit up the thrift shops. Just saying: These bikinis are so good they make me fear the coming apocalypse that much more.

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For our finale, this Patbo gown (pictured on Ariana) is the best dress I have ever seen, ever. If I ever get married again — which…well, I won’t, but I mean if I ever have, like, a non-legally-binding ceremony at which I can wear something like this in front of an adoring group of family and friends again…I want to wear this. Perhaps with slightly less exposed nipple, but perhaps not.

Moving on to Yesteryear, which I loved, of course, although I did not love the ending at all. [SPOILER ALERT.] You know what I wanted to happen? I wanted to discover that Caleb’s politician dad had actually won the election, and had transformed the entire country into this frontierland vision. There, I fixed it for you.

(If you’re wondering what I’m reading now: I went straight from Strangers and Yesteryear to Homeschooled, which was good but not as insightful as I might have liked, and then moved on to David Sedaris’ new book. Never, ever disappoints.)

And finally: An update on The State Of My Boobs. I had intended to do a video update today, but that’s going to have to wait because I can barely keep my eyes open despite the fact that I slept for eleven hours last night. It’s been nine days, and I absolutely expected to be up and at ‘em by now, but it appears that having your body more or less sliced in half takes a spot longer than a week to heal. I’m still not supposed to be driving, and when I tried to pick up my son from school on Tuesday I found out why: Just instant dizziness and nausea. I had to turn around immediately (and thank god for my love Margo, who deployed both herself and her daughter Claire to come to my aid practically before the words “Um…I think I need your help” left my mouth.)

The good news: The autoimmune rash that I developed about a year and a half ago? Almost completely gone. No joke. I anticipated some kind of positive result from the removal of plastics from my body, and sure, I guess there could be other reasons why the rash decided to go away right this very moment, but…I mean, how could that not be related?

Also, even though the scars are way more considerable than I’d anticipated, I’ve discovered that I don’t think I care, and cannot wait to throw on a bikini or five a few weeks from now. I might even manage to do so without one or both nipples making a surprise appearance! IMAGINE. (I can’t. I haven’t managed to successfully contain these things in beach attire for years, and trust: I have tried.)

That’s it for now. If I seem loopy, it’s because drugs.

x

J