Pursuing Magnetic Levitation 7/8/26

I don’t know what number this is by now, but this summer I’m going to write up some more off-the-cuff posts and see what people think.

I started this project because I was listening to a podcast on a dog walk at the end of 2024 because I was inspired and thinking about when my next writing project would be. For years, I’d had books and articles, back to back to back, and I was considered “relevant” in my little corner of the education/race/disability/language field.

But eventually, it slowed down. And at first I welcomed that, because that was right after Idris was born, and I didn’t really have the time. I started this because I had some ideas and just wanted to ensure I was writing, sort of as a way to bide my time until the next project.

But then so much fell apart last year and it turned into a diary, which was not my plan, but there wasn’t much else I could think about.

Now that the absolute worst is over, I’ve been reflecting on what changed for me during that time. My brain wasn’t really working correctly because I was very much doubting myself overall, I have gone back to listen to some of my favorite podcasts that premiered last fall and early winter, and I barely remember what these episodes said. My health got worse too, physically, but most importantly, what I consider my greatest asset, my brain, got much worse too. In a lot of ways, my brain was on fire, or maybe it was frozen in the snow considering the time of year.

So what can I do about it?

I’m definitely working out more than I had been. I never stopped walking but I didn’t have the wherewithal to put effort into my running all that time. I ran every day, but not that much, especially by the end. Then I got the job and because I leave so early I wasn’t able to suddenly create a routine that let me get my real workout in while also walking Neptune before the sun comes up. I will have to sort out what the routine will be in the fall, but I have time.

But more relevant to this, is that I need my brain back. Last week’s intellectual exercise was a good start, and I plan to write more of those. I am feeling panicked, as I trend towards anxiety, because I have “only” six weeks left. And I am worried by the way these things go, that by the time I get into a really healthy routine, the time will be up.

Yet it’s really telling that I have been struggling consuming scholarship, not because I don’t understand it but because having not been as immersed, it does come off very self-similar, and it also leaves me feeling jealous that I never succeeded in academia.

For a few years, I was something unique. I had these books, I was speaking, I had a podcast. And it didn’t move the needle at all. People had emotional reactions to my work, and they still value it, but, to be honest, I don’t feel that when I sit at home and think about my ideas.

So I know this isn’t resolved. And I worry I’m running out of time because it’s a deep, deep issue, wanting my ideas to matter. And it felt like they did, for a few years. But those scholars I knew, I reached out to them the first day of summer break, asked them to send me any new scholarship, and got all of two responses.

“What have you done for me lately?”

It’s publish or perish, and in the eyes of academia, which I was only ever sort-of part of, I may have perished.

I have two choices. I can accept having perished and try to come up with something else to do intellectually. Or I can give it one last shot this summer.

I’m going to give it one last shot these next six weeks. And if we get to August and nothing seems to have caught on, then I’ll sit with having written three books, and once given talks, and tell my sons about it years from now. Just writing that makes me sad, though, so, the question is, do I pre-grieve, or go for it?

One last try to make the Dr. have been worth all the time and effort.