Punning

Everything in the universe is either cheese or not cheese

I have never lost a fight with a tiger

I’ve been alive for over three days

Help yourself to these dead batteries – no charge

Q. What is the fastest type of cake?

A. Scone

(untitled)

Give me puns for my gunsKeep me jokingGive me puns for my guns, I prayGive me puns for my gunsKeep me jokingKeep me joking to the break of day

This dad joke

@cmconseils

(untitled)

(untitled)

Pirates make great singers because they love to hit the high Cs.

World War 2 ended more than six years ago

I took the shell off of my racing snail to make it go faster but it just became a little sluggish.

The army’s enlisted men helped build this fence

Specifically, Private Fishing and Private Property.

I met a guy in Egypt who said I could buy a monument for $600.

But it turned out it was a pyramid scheme.

Said the hat to the scarf, “You hang around, I’ll go on ahead.”

(untitled)

I expected that my chimney would be free because it was on the house, but actually, it was through the roof.

(untitled)

I always hoped to become a Gregorian Monk but I never got the chants.

Not all of your body dies at the same time

Your eyes are the last to go. You see, your pupils die late.

(untitled)

(untitled)

(untitled)

I don’t like lightning. It’s too flashy.

(untitled)

TIL protons have mass. I didn’t even know they were catholic.

(untitled)

Just when you think food cannot make phone calls. Boom! Onion rings.

Humpty has lost his hat

The last I heard, Humpty dumped his hat on the wall.

(untitled)

Q. What’s blue and smells like red paint? A. Blue paint

(untitled)

Q. What does a sprinter eat before a race? A. Nothing. They fast.

(untitled)

Q. What do you say if you bump into a unicorn at a party? A. Ouch

(untitled)

Q. What is red and bad for your teeth? A. A brick

Celine Dion…

Celine Dion has come out in support of farmers by removing all the consonants from her name.

(untitled)

What’s it called when you loose 25% of your roof?

Oof.

I’ve always wanted to convert this lighthouse into a modern home

Unfortunately, the project has been on and off again for years.

Some dad jokes I found on YouTube

Sometimes I sing in the car

Usually, I only sing when reversing. I’m more of a backup singer.

Eggs

Here is an egg joke for Open Mentions that my smart home device just told me: Why don’t eggs tell each other jokes? Because if they do, they crack each other up.

Why is it getting harder to buy advent calenders?

Because their days are numbered.

Hooked?

Was Captain Hook’s hook from the second-hand shop?