Always getting in my own way

I finished the first draft of what is probably the best thing I’ve written—what could be my next book, if I can get the courage to ever share it. Otherwise, the manuscript will just live in a drawer.

I lost said manuscript a few weeks into writing it. I was working in Word, which I bought ages ago back when you didn’t need a yearly Microsoft subscription for the entire “suite.” I’m typing away in the file I saved as MEMOIR, and I look up and see it’s now called a string of random numbers. So I save the file—twice, because I’m nothing if not neurotic—and exit so I can re-name the file. But it’s gone. Like, gone gone. No retrieving it gone. I tried everything, then went online to complain, as one does. A friend reached out and her daughter offered tech support over the phone (thanks, Jessie and V!), but I couldn’t get it back. RIP file. Turns out Word no longer works on my laptop. Good riddance.

I’d only been 8k words into the project, so it could’ve been worse. My complaining post proclaimed I’d spend the day throwing myself a pity party, then start again in the morning, yet I dove in that afternoon. I only like writing at the start of the day, mostly because I love writing with coffee and can’t drink it after eleven if I want to sleep at night, but determination fueled me, and by that evening I had a thousand words.

Turns out it’s much easier (for me) to write creative nonfiction than fiction. There’s less to figure out, no characters or situations to make up. So, somehow, I wrote 51k words in less than a month. (I know, I know. Don’t hate me.) I often say I like editing more than writing, but I had fun writing that book, one that, despite calling the file MEMOIR, isn’t one. It’s more of an exploration of personal experiences. The manuscript is nonlinear and fragmented. I use a lot of speculation: what could’ve happened instead of only writing about what did. Right now I’m calling it THE UNDOING.

Except I’m scared to share it. With anyone. And as you probably know, one can’t publish something they don’t want others reading.

But I decided that first draft was just for me. The only way I was able to write it was by telling myself no one else would ever read it. But I also know I wrote something good. And when you’re a writer who wants to share their work, but are scared to, you need to figure out how to get over yourself. Need to get out of your own way. Need to push through the fear.

I’ve realized lately how much I’ve listened to fear in my life. How much I cling to safety. Comfort. What’s easy.

We think it’s reasonable to listen to our fear. It can keep us safe! Except fear is tricky. Sometimes it’s our intuition talking, but more often, our fear gets driven by past traumas, internal wiring, and negative self talk. Sometimes our fear isn’t protecting us so much as holding us back.

And then, as if the universe was trying to illustrate the point, I learned about a residency in a country I’ve always wanted to visit. Six weeks away to focus on my writing. In a country where I don’t speak the language. It sounds magical and transformative. One of those experiences meant for people more adventurous than me. I’m someone who likes routines and stability. Not someone who’d travel alone to a country for over a month. I want to be, but the idea scares me. Way outside my comfort zone.

But then I started telling people about it: Doesn’t this sound so cool? Too bad I could never do it… And by the third time, I realized I kept bringing it up because while the idea of this residency terrifies me, it also excites me. The mix of emotions feels telling. Straight up fear might be something to listen to, I don’t know, but when it’s mingled with excitement and hope? Desire? Feels like something I should at least try to do. I recognize this particular fear as being driven by my negative internal wiring. The one that tells me I’m not this enough or that enough. Fill in the blanks. Like: I’m not smart or brave enough to fend for myself in another country for six weeks. That I don’t deserve such a good thing.

I’m tired of letting that negative internal wiring run the show. So I’m going for it.

I mean, who knows if I’ll even get in, but it’s worth a shot. And if I don’t, I might look for something like it. Maybe I’ll go backpacking around Europe by myself. Something to push and challenge me.

It’s so easy to let fear stop us. To tell ourselves that feeling means we shouldn’t do something, that we can’t. And so we hold ourselves back. Keep ourselves small.

I can come up with plenty of reasons not to travel alone to a country where I don’t speak the language. But I’m finding myself at a place in my life where doing it is possible. For a long time it wasn’t. But I don’t have the same responsibilities I once did. I have a stable job that offers ample paid leave. I could make it work.

I heard confidence is built by doing hard things. If I do this thing that scares me, maybe I’ll have the confidence to publish THE UNDOING.

But that’s a long term goal. Here’s my short term one: I’m going to let that draft sit, then turn my attention back to the novel I’ve been tinkering with for the past however many years. The one I was working on steadily until How We See the Gray came out, then promptly abandoned. My ambitious plan is to knock out another draft of that novel (tentatively titled CARRY YOU OVER) before letting it sit and turning my attention back to THE UNDOING. Back and forth between revisions and rewrites, giving drafts space and rest because I’m a big believer that our best editor is time.

I also believe as writers, sometimes our job is becoming the person who can write (or publish) our books. To be the person who can publish a book like THE UNDOING I know I need to do something that scares me like solo international travel. The first step is applying, so that’s what I’m doing this weekend.

I’m curious: What have you done for your writing? Anything that’s stretched you past your comfort zone? And if you’re trying to grow into the person you need to be to write your book, I’d love to hear about it!

Reading Recommendations:

Recently read: One of my personal most anticipated books of the year was The Great Wherever by Shannon Sanders, which is getting tons of great (and very deserved) buzz. I challenge you to read the first page and not get sucked in. Seriously, that voice! If you love a good family saga full of secrets and busybody ghosts, this one’s for you.

It’s been ages since I’ve read a David Sedaris book, but he’s got a new one out, The Land and Its People, which is such good fun. I listened to the audiobook, which you can’t go wrong with because David Sedaris reading his own work is a special kind of treat.

Currently reading: 2026 is the year I tackle reading writers I’ve meant to read and never have, and Grace Paley has been on that list for a while. So I’m slowly making my way through FSG’s special 80th anniversary special edition of The Collected Stories. I don’t know what took me so long to listen to the chorus of writers who love Grace Paley.

I’m also trying not to shy away from rereads this year, and am currently revisiting The Selected Works of Audre Lorde. All hail Audre Lorde.

Up next: I just received an ARC of Asale Angel-Ajani’s Fugitive Archives: My Family and the American Myth of Belonging, and I can’t wait to dive in. I loved Asale’s debut novel, A Country You Can Leave, and this book sounds deeply personal and important.

The title of this post comes from a line in this great song, which I’ve been listening to a lot lately:

Here’s to doing something that scares, but also excites us! <3