Building Emotional Muscle

The world is re-opening (well, the part of the world white people care about. Not the "back to normal" we hoped for...), and after a year of working from home and unfettered access to the snack drawer, it's time to get rid of them Covid rolls again! And why stop there? If Chris Pratt (let's be honest, the second-least favorite of the Chrises) can go from Andy Dwyer to Star-Lord in five months, so can I!

Look, everyone wants a six pack. And yet, despite the best intentions, without the motivation of a multi-million dollar contract and a dedicated personal trainer for several hours a day, few people achieve it unless you're one of those people who are just born with a constant 12% body fat no matter how often you eat Doritos and Lucky Charms for breakfast1. I'm going to let you in on a closely guarded secret that GQ and Vogue don't want you to know: no, it's not your workout routine. No, it's not your diet either2.

It's simply that to get a six-pack, you actually have to enjoy working out.

Let me re-iterate that with an easily quotable pull-out quote:

To get a six-pack, you actually have to enjoy working out.

In a broader sense, to get really good at anything, you can't just really really want to see the results, you have to enjoy the process.

This here, of course, is not a blog for diets and workout regimes (I really wouldn't have much credibility there...), so let's talk about your petty little feelings again. Everybody wants a great relationship, where you can go through thick and thin with your partner (see what I did there?), a partner that cheers for you to be the person you really want to be, a relationship without secrets, ...

You know where this is going. Even if you find Mr. Or Mrs. Right (hey, or both, whatever floats your boat) — you won't get the deeply fulfilling relationship that plugs the companion-shaped hole in your soul unless you enjoy the process of working on it.

When most people hear "we need to work on our relationship", they immediately think couples therapy or the immanent threat of a break-up. I'd say you need to put the work in starting day one. Don't wait until you're emotionally obese to hit the relationship gym. So what does working on a relationship look like?

In the simplest form, figuring out how you can be yourself (and support your partner in being theirselves) around your partner. That involves a lot of awkward conversations where you confront the things you are insecure about, ashamed of, and would otherwise rather avoid talking about. It also involves pushing the boundaries of the relationship to see how much of yourself you can fit in there. Fair warning: if you're pushing the boundaries, chances are you will cross them. And that's okay – but it'll hurt.

Just like going to the gym, building that emotional muscle can leave you sore, and it's perfectly fine to take some time after a hard conversation to nourish each other and play it safe. And just like going to the gym, one hard conversation won‘t fix things. If you want to get the relational six-pack all of your friends are jealous of, you have to perversely enjoy uncomfortable conversations with your partner to the point that you‘d rather have an uncomfortable conversation than not.

I used to be somewhat judgmental of couples in shitty relationships3. Everybody I know went to at least one wedding where literally no one except the couple mumbling their vows thought that was a good idea, but stayed for the free booze and the hope of finding a post-reception hook-up before having to endure too much of the wedding DJs set.

Maybe that‘s unfair. Unless you‘re obese or skinny to the point where you are endangering your own health, it‘s nobody‘s business to judge your body, and the same goes for your relationship. Spending two decades wanting to get a six-pack isn‘t healthy. Healthy is finding an equilibrium between the work you‘re willing to put into being fit and healthy and a body that you feel comfortable and yourself with. And maybe the same goes for relationships. Maybe some couples‘ constant bickering and superficial resentment of each other is simply their equilibrium, because other things in their lives are more important to them than a harmonious, empowering relationship.

Maybe. I for one am excited to pump emotional iron and get my reps of awkward admissions and uncomfortable conversations in at least once a week. Sore muscles are not a sign of being weak, they‘re a sign of getting stronger. Feeling raw after an argument is just the same. Nurture each other and go at it again.