ISO main character energy post-divorce 🍏

Happy Launch Week.

We did it!

Thank you to everyone who’s listened, supported on Patreon, shared, written in with questions and tips — all the many ways you’ve contributed to get us to this day. Truly a group project 😭

A quick programming note: Starting today, I will be sending our free Proxy newsletter through Substack from now on, and using Patreon only to manage paid membership and benefits (like ad-free episodes and exclusive bonus interviews). Why? Because Patreon is a bit janky for newsletters and I want to make it look nice for you in a cost-effective way. Happy to answer questions, if you have any.

OK, let’s hit it.

Divorce is hot right now, largely driven by the stories of women who have left their stifling relationships and begun new lives, sometimes with other women. But what if you’re the man who’s been left behind—and you feel like a minor character who’s been written out of the show?

This week on the pod, for our official (!) launch episode, “Bisexual Wife Guy,” we’re investigating the feelings that emerge when a marriage ends, with none other than my former colleague at Invisibilia, journalist and Radio Atlantic host Hanna Rosin.

Listen here.

Hanna was someone I loved going on reporting trips with because we’d get to hang out and gossip for hours. She always gave great life advice, and in this episode, as our proxy, she doesn’t disappoint. Here’s a few highlights:

Often people will say, even in heterosexual divorces, “Oh, you met a new person. Great. Now you can forget about the other person.” It's like, no. There will always be a feeling when I'm in the room with my ex and my children, when you can see the shadow of what my life and my family was, or when I drive through my old neighborhood. It will always, always be a huge part of my heart. And there's this other thing. Like, they really don't erase each other. They just exist on different tracks.

On how to field questions about your divorce

For people who are sensitive, it's actually kind of nice to just have a sentence or two. Literally, like you're on book tour and the book tour is divorce, and you're out there pitching … You do not owe your vulnerability or your soul to anybody, except the people you choose to give it to. So you just come up with a socially acceptable line that teases a little bit of vulnerability, but where, because it's so rote, you don't have to expose yourself at every fucking event.

On not getting closure, when the other person doesn’t want it

Sometimes I think, “Oh, I wish I wrote fan fiction,” where I play out the scenarios and play out the conversations. Would that make me feel better? We're used to thinking … “Talk about everything, process everything, go to therapy, everything has to come out.” But there are some things that can't, won't, will cause too much pain if they do. It's not the right time, and I've stopped trying to think about why. I don't know. And it is actually not my place to ask. So you just won't know and that sucks.

• In honor of what Hanna said about being “on a book tour and the book tour is divorce,” here’s a few actual books about divorce, plus links to reviews:

  • No Fault: A Memoir of Romance and Divorce by Haley Mlotek

  • The Divorce by Cesar Aira

  • Splinters by Leslie Jamison

  • This American Ex-Wife by Lyz Lenz

• Remember Bi Wife Energy?

• 6 facts about bisexuals from the Pew Research Center

• If you need a good cry, here’s the boygenius song referenced in the episode that has this incredibly sad Lucy Dacus lyric: “If you rewrite your life, may I still play a part?”

Blessings to everyone who’s rated and reviewed Proxy on Apple Podcasts and Spotify 🙏🏼

This actually really helps us. Since podcast downloads aren’t public, the number of ratings and reviews serves as a kind of “proxy” (lol) for how big your show is.

So if you’d like to help us out, (besides sharing our launch episode with anyone you think would enjoy it) consider rating and reviewing us!

Can you guess which one of these reviews was written by my mom? (Thanks Mom!)

Huge news. I made it to the Gossip Olympics and got to hear the delightful Rachelle Hampton regale me with a tale of nepotism, fancy snacks, and volunteer firefighters on [BLEEP] island. Listen to the Normal Gossip episode here.

The people in my life know that I’ve been training for this moment for years. Case in point: Here is my newsletter editor Juliana Feliciano Reyes and me being caught in the act a few years ago.

Your emotional investigative journalist,
Yowei

Edited by Juliana Feliciano Reyes.