I have recently come across this news article.
As an elite member of the Hindi speaking audience myself (and married to a Malayalee), I think I have lot of stake at how this movie is made.
So just as any bollywood writer, I have spent a whopping 15 minutes writing the story of Drishyam 3, specifically for the Hindi audience.
Here is how it goes.
INT.VIJAY SALGAONKAR’S HOUSE.DAY
Family having breakfast when a convoy of police vehicles stop in front of the house.
[Foreboding music plays]
Elder daughter: (looks helplessly at the hero)
Younger daughter: (looks helplessly at the hero)
Wife: Can I do something other than looking helplessly…
Director: Shut up.
Wife: (looks helplessly at the hero)
Outside, we pan the camera up from shoes stepping down from the car.
[Foreboding music peaks]
Bald guy. Aviator sunglasses. Moustache. He drops the cigarette and crushes it with his feet.
Ajay Devgan: R. Madhavan? Where is Akshay Khanna?
Madhavan: We couldn’t afford him after his last movie.
Ajay: That movie didn’t give you much, did it?
Madhavan: I smoked so much in that one, it gave me lung cancer.
Ajay: Well, welcome to this franchise. But you can’t catch me yet, I have one more trick up my sleeve. I had planned long back…
Madhavan: Stop. I am not here to catch you. I am here to recruit you for a mission.
Ajay: Oh come on… I am not going to Pakistan.
Madhavan: No, you are going to Tehran. We have our ships containing oil tankers stuck there. Your mission, should you choose to accept…
Tom Cruise: What the fuck… You don’t have the rights…
Director: Oh… Sorry.
Madhavan: Anyway, you have to go as an undercover agent to Iran.
Ajay: Okay… okay… I’ll go. (Murmurs under the breath) This undercover business is all politics… Hausla and Badla they give to the new guy, Endhan they give it to me… I swear I’ll update my LinkedIn after this.
Information and Broadcasting (I&B) Minister: Excuse me… You have to put that dialogue.
Director: Wait, why are you here?
I&B Minister: I am here to remind you…
Writer: Yes, yes… we will put it, later in the movie.
IN THE SECOND ACT, Ajay Devgan infiltrates Iran where Rajat kapoor (yes) is a persian carpet dealer. Ajay works on getting a safe passage for the ships. He has to collect the exact time and map for the passage. The exchange will happen in an Armenian Club in Tehran. (The movie gets a little slow here, so we will put an item number.)
A silhouette of a woman on the dance floor. Music lifts as light falls on her face, we see Tabu.
Tabu: I am a fucking 2 time National award winning actress. I was supposed to be an IG and a grieving mother…
Director: Not in this movie, you are not.
Tabu: (Sighs and dances to the remix version of Ruk Ruk Ruk arre baba ruk.)
Director: Ajay you have to join the dance too.
Ajay:
Director: Okay, if you can’t dance, what can you do?
Ajay: I can act snobbish and ‘play hard to get’ while Tabu dances around me.
Director: Great, go for it. No one has seen anything like this before.
Audience: What a meta reference… to the original song. Wah!
TIPS Officials: Wait, we’ll sue you guys for using our song after the movie is released.
A soon as the song ends, a shootout ensues. Bullets flying all around. For the next 10 minutes the movie is in slow motion.
I&B Minister: That dialogue…
Director: Not now… They have to escape.
Everyone escapes unscathed. Now in the final act the ships have to be loaded and sent to India.
IN THE CLIMAX, at the dock the ships are getting ready, but the Iranians find out.
The crew of the movie: This is the 90th film for which the climax is taking place on a dock. Can we think of something else? Something more creative?
Director: Don’t be silly. Our audience, loves climaxes on shipdocks.
The crew: Can we at least shoot in a real dock and not green screen.
Producer: Oye, Nolan ki aulaad, chuup.
Heavily armed IRGC officers halt the ships from departing. It was all for nothing. All hope is lost. The mission has failed.
Villian enters, in a burqa. A woman villain. What a progressive movie.
She lifts her burqa. It is Anupama Chopra.
Film Critic Anupama Chopra: Yes, it was me all along. I am here to blow this whole thing up, because it is a terrible movie.
Bombs are placed all over the movie set. All side characters are held at gunpoint, waiting to be executed.
Wind blows. Leaves fly in slow motion.
[Uplifting music plays]
A gypsy speeds through and skids in slow motion. Ajay Devgan steps out from the moving gypsy. Singham music plays.
Audience: (Erupts)
Ajay: Yes Anupama. It is me Singham. I have been undercover in Goa for the past two Drishyam movies, playing the role of a family man. A visionary government’s foresight to place me there.
Someone in the Audience: But how could he be undercover in his own city. Everyone in Goa knows Singham.
Director: If you want so much logic, why don’t you watch the Malayalam version.
Ajay singlehandedly locks all the villains in a container and puts the explosives around.
Director: Where is the minister?
I&B Minister: Yes… Are you putting it now?
Director: Yes sir. (Turns to Ajay Devgan) Alright Ajay do that thing already….
Ajay: Okay.
Ajay: Holds the detonator. Looks straight to the audience, breaking the fourth wall and says “YE NAYA INDIA HAIN, YE GHAR ME GHUSKE…”
Explosion behind him. Money shot.
Audience: (Orgasms)
I&B Minister: Texts his boss, “It’s done.”
CBFC officer: Stamps the movie certificate.
END CREDITS ROLL
Once I write this movie, a year later I imagine I am at the Dolby Theatre.
I am at the stage, “I would like to thank the Academy… And my wife…”
My mallu wife who is in the audience, picks up a chair and hurls at me.
I duck in time.
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