This is a work of satire, which means it isn’t true. It may be inspired (if you can call it that) by actual events which happened in Florida (where all sorts of things happen that seem like satire even thought they are real (although few Floridians seem embarrassed by that fact, let alone alarmed, and life goes on, well some lives go on, but not as many as yesterday perhaps, which may be attributable to the advanced age of, diminished IQ of, and/or outstanding bench warrants for a frightening percentage of the now-gun-wielding population)).
Come on down and bring your guns. Florida is now an open-carry state, meaning you—yes you— (with frighteningly few exceptions) can openly carry or wear a gun in public. (This part of this piece, although it reads like the wildest of satire, is actually true, thanks to a recent Florida appellate decision, which was not appealed by the Florida Attorney General whose office somehow managed to botch the case.)
But you say you’ve never even picked up a gun before? Don’t know where the bullets go? That’s okay. Experience not needed. No license required.
So, been having homicidal thoughts about your spouse, obnoxious neighbor, guy in the monster-sized pick-up truck tailgaiting you for the last five miles on I-95 (or maybe you’re the guy in the monster pick-up who’s been stuck doing 85 because of that tourist snail in front of you)? Not a problem. Lock and load.
Meanwhile…
…throughout Florida, now that carrying a handgun in public has been made legal, sights just like this are causing women to flock to the beaches. Oh, wait, typo there, it should read, sights like this are causing women to flee the beaches and lock themselves in their rooms.
And then there’s this…
…to encourage customers of its Florida stores to openly carry all sorts of deadly weapons, not just handguns, convenience store Publiks (a wily start-up not in any way affiliated with that fine, flag-waving, patriotic mega-chain, Publix) has commissioned a new logo it hopes will reflect its inclusionary policy.
While on the education front…
…following the decision of the First Short-Circuit of Appeals which confirms the right to openly carry or wear guns throughout Florida, metal detectors have been installed at all schools across the state. Any children found entering school premises without a weapon will be sent home to properly arm themselves. School superintendent Dim Widdy says it’s about time school shooters get a taste of their own medicine by being shot back at.
While back at the grocery store…
…in the wake of its decision to allow customers to its Florida stores to openly carry handguns, Publiks (again, not affiliated with upstanding US-Constitution-supporting Publix) has issued department managers uniforms designed to protect them from the crossfire. (Full-time non-management employees can buy similar uniforms, while part-time employees are encouraged to attend free seminars to learn how to duck.)
What’s next…
…for the sake of clarity and public safety, now that it has been Constitutionally determined that firearms may be openly carried in public all across Florida, and some grocers are welcoming armed customers to its stores, the First Short-Circuit Court of Appeals is expected to undertake a series of patriotically inspired cases which seek to justify firing a handgun inside Florida grocery stores under the following circumstances:
1. Any customer with more than ten items attempts to use express check out.
2. Any customer attempts to pay with a check or correct change.
3. Any entitled (grand)parent lets their indulged (grand)child(ren) scan items at self-checkout.
4. Any sale items are out of stock or ring up at full price.
5. Any customer in the deli line orders more than three subs.
6. Rotten produce, out of date meat, or spoiled dairy products may be fired upon indiscriminately.
7. Any customer may discharge his/her weapon in a blind rage if they are having a bad day or believe they have in any way been disrespected.
8. (Item 7 is expected to apply to every sunny square inch of the state, not just grocery stores.)
Hold your fire until the court’s rulings become final.
In the meantime, to read something that seems like satire but isn’t, check out the appellate court decision in MCDANIELS v. STATE, District Court of Appeal of Florida, First District.
Comments
Nothing yet. Say the first thing.
Sign in to join the conversation.