We’ve been featuring a lot of statutory rapists lately. Like, a lot. And a recurring theme in the court documents, the interviews, and the sad little jailhouse phone calls is that these guys apparently had no idea how any of this worked.
So in the spirit of public service, here’s a free how-to guide for avoiding a felony conviction, a lifetime on the registry, and 100,000 views in two hours after we feature you on Predator Watch WY.
Take notes. There’s a test, and it’s administered by a prosecutor.
1. Her bio lists a high school. Not “alum.” Not “c/o ‘19.” The actual current school. My guy. That’s not a vibe, that’s an enrollment status.
2. There’s a jersey with a number on it and a mom in the stands. Varsity. That word means something. It means she has a curfew and a chemistry test.
3. CHECK. THE. BIRTHDAY. It’s usually right there. One tap. You have the investigative capacity to find a girl’s entire life story when she doesn’t text back in four hours, but suddenly the birthday field is invisible to you?
4. No birthday listed? Check the parents. Tap the tagged family. If Mom is 41, you are not about to have a peer relationship. You are about to become a news story with a mugshot they use for the thumbnail.
5. Cap and gown pictures. Ask yourself: is this a graduation, or a recent graduation? Are there balloons shaped like a year? Is that year uncomfortably close to right now? Is her little brother in the photo taller than her because he’s twelve and she’s seventeen?
6. “Got my first car!!! 🥹🚗” That’s a milestone post. Milestones happen at specific ages. Nobody posts their first car at 26. They post their car payment and a crying emoji.
7. Slang you had to Google. If you’re in the comments going “haha yeah so true” while opening a second tab to figure out what she just said, that’s not a generation gap, that’s a legal gap.
8. Her friends are all in the same three group photos and none of them have jobs. Real adults have friends who moved away, friends they haven’t seen in eight months, and one friend who’s weirdly into crypto now.
9. She mentions a curfew, a study hall, a hall pass, or “my mom said.” This is not coy. This is not mysterious. This is reporting.
10. Every photo was taken at her parents’ house. Same bedroom, same hallway mirror, same bathroom counter, same backyard, three years running. Adults have apartments. Adults have roommates and bad lighting in a rental kitchen. A girl whose entire photographic history takes place inside one house is a girl who lives with her parents because she has to.
11. Prom. Homecoming. Winter Formal. There is no adult version of Homecoming. That’s just a bar.
12. Your gut already told you. You felt it. You ignored it. You then constructed an elaborate legal theory in your head to keep talking to her. That mental gymnastics routine you just performed? That’s the answer. That was the answer the whole time.
The Part Where We Talk About You
Here’s the thing nobody wants to say out loud: if you’re pushing 30 and the only people who find you interesting are teenagers, that’s not because women your age are “bitter” or “used up” or “only want a rich guy.”
It’s because women your age can tell. They’ve got a fully developed prefrontal cortex and eight years of pattern recognition. They can clock in ninety seconds that you’ve got no savings, no follow-through, a podcast opinion about everything, and you get weird when someone disagrees with you.
A 17-year-old can’t clock that yet. That’s the appeal. That’s the whole appeal. The immaturity isn’t a bug you’re overlooking — it’s the feature you’re hunting for, because it’s the only environment where you read as impressive.
So if you’re striking out in your own age bracket, the move isn’t to age down. The move is:
Get a hobby that isn’t a screen
Get in shape or at least get a shirt that fits
Get a therapist or at minimum a friend who tells you the truth
Develop a personality that survives contact with someone who has options
Learn to be told “no” without going scorched-earth about it
Date grown women. They’re funnier, they’re better in every way that matters, and nobody has to do math.
And if none of that lands — if you read all that and you’re still typing “but what if she’s mature for her age” — congratulations, you’ve correctly identified yourself as the guy this list is about. The bar is on the floor and it’s still above you.
We’re Watching
Every name we publish started as a guy who told himself the same story you’re telling yourself right now. He didn’t check. He didn’t want to check. And then somebody else checked for him — usually a detective, sometimes a parent, and eventually us.
We read the affidavits. We pull the filings. We sit in the hearings. And we publish.
So consider this your one free warning, delivered with jokes, before you get one delivered with a docket number.
Predator Watch WY — Wyoming accountability journalism on crimes against children. 👉 https://open.substack.com/pub/predatorwatchwy
Subscribe. Or don’t — but if you don’t, there’s a decent chance you’ll still end up reading it. You’ll just be in it.
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