Bollocks, Codswallop and Basically Rubbish
Burnham Calls for Reflection After Jason Arday s Death, Britain Immediately Reflects Blame Onto Everybody Else Cambridge, politicians and the press agree important lessons must be learned—preferably by someone in another department LONDON — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has called for a moment of reflection following the death of former Cambridge
King Charles Urges Prince George to Avoid His School Regrets, Starting With Being Sent to a Scottish Naval Exercise Disguised as Education Charles reportedly wants his grandson to enjoy school, forcing the Royal Family to consider the revolutionary educational principle known as not deliberately making childhood miserable. LONDON—King Charles reportedly
Governor Abbott Discovers Texas Airports Were Quietly Offering First-Class Boarding to the First Amendment DFW Cancels Islamic Washing Facility After Learning Religious Neutrality Still Applies Between the Starbucks and Gate D22 By the Texas Bureau AUSTIN, TEXAS — Governor Greg Abbott has threatened to reconsider state funding for Dallas–Fort Worth
Prince Harry Searching for Something He ll Never Find, Palace Checks Lost-and-Found for Accountability Royal experts say the Duke may be looking for happiness, identity, reconciliation or the receipt for Spare Royal Correspondence Desk LONDON — A royal commentator claims Prince Harry is searching for something he s not going to find
Jerusalem Café Protest Enters Seventh Week, Raising Suspicion Everyone Is Secretly Working for the Marketing Department Haredim demand that Basimta close on Shabbat, secular activists demand the sacred right to cappuccino, and one suspiciously useful vandal ensures television cameras arrive before the croissants. Seven Weeks, Two Camps and One Extremely
Royal Funeral for Andrew, Proving Cancel Culture Ends at the Cemetery Gates Andrew Stripped of Royal Titles but Apparently Keeps the Funeral Loyalty Points LONDON — Britain has apparently discovered the precise constitutional boundary of cancel culture: it stops approximately six feet underground. Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, stripped of prominent royal roles and
Britain Keeps Complaining About Eton While Continuously Hiring Its Alumni Nation Furious About Old-Boy Network, Immediately Asks Whether Old Boys Are Available Tuesday LONDON — Britain has once again expressed deep concern about the influence of Eton College VIP on national life before checking its diary to see whether any
Meghan Accused of Betraying King Charles by Discussing Secret Meeting, Royal Family Shocked Private Conversation Survived Nearly Four Weeks King Charles Gives Meghan Another Chance at Family Privacy, California Dinner Party Immediately Receives Executive Summary Montecito, California The latest chapter in Britain s longest-running family group chat began after Martha Stewart
French Banks Finally Agree to Finance Marine Le Pen After Discovering Taxpayers May Be Holding the Wallet France Solves the Difficult Problem of Political Banking With the Traditional Financial Innovation Known as Make the Public Guarantee It PARIS — French banks are warming to financing candidates in the 2027 presidential
Are All Socialists Mentally Ill? Westminster Confirms Some Are Merely Backbenchers New inquiry finds hard-left politics is not a diagnosable condition, although sitting through a three-hour Momentum branch meeting without being paid remains clinically fascinating LONDON — Following renewed transatlantic chatter about Wisconsin s Francesca Hong and her National Review-chronicled collapse from