Last week, I was a guest on NPR’s 1A to talk about Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s push to “fix” Americans’ use of antidepressants. I talked about the gray areas of medications, what thoughtful medical care looks like, the limits and realities of the current American health care system, and how to safely wean off antidepressants (if and when that’s right for you). Give it a listen.
Hi folks!
The arrival of the summer season hasn’t meant much of a reprieve for me so far. Right now, I’m deep in making second-round edits for my book, QUANTUM SHIFTS, plus traveling for speaking engagements (Boston and Winnipeg!).
For many of us, summer means a jam-packed schedule and a disruption of routines, which can make us feel off-kilter and stressed. So it’s a great time for me to remind us all of how and where we can take back personal power in our lives.
This week, I’m sharing a post all about POWER, and how to reclaim yours within yourself and your community. This post completes a collection of all four real-self-care principles from my first book. Check them all out below. These 101 posts are meant to be helpful resources for you whenever you need them, and they will always remain free to read.
I hope these reminders can be a support system as you shift into whatever mode this season has in store for you.
xo,
Pooja
In my book, Real Self-Care, I write about four self-care principles:
In our current state of affairs, it is easy to fall into feelings of powerlessness. With government controlling our access to health care, media controlling our information, and billionaires controlling so many of our public services, each of us is up against a lot.
And that’s how power wants us to feel. Systems of oppression beat us down and strip us of meaning and hope — that way, we’re easier to control, less troublesome.
That’s where our work comes in. We are never powerless, individually or collectively. We can always return our focus to where we do have power, and we can implement change: ourselves, our relationships, our workplaces, and our systems.
This is not me asking you to bypass the very real difficulties of the world and embrace toxic positivity. I am not an optimist, but I am hopeful. Optimism is the sense that everything will be okay. Hope is different — it’s understanding that things may not be okay, but knowing you still have the agency to improve things for yourself and those around you.
Systems change only when many individuals show up to do things differently. Small changes, both internally and externally, can eventually add up to real, wider change. That’s why each one of us, even the marginalized among us, has the capacity to fight back in systems that are stacked against us.
Embrace both/and as opposed to either/or to stay connected to your power.
You must acknowledge bad feelings to practice hope and gain power.
It’s not your job to change the whole system. It is your job to stay in touch with your agency. Acknowledging the complexity of yourself and others will help you retain power.
Giving back when you have power generates more power for everyone else.
Hope is not something you have or don’t have. It’s a skill to build.
For a long time after I had left the wellness community and was returning to the medical world, I had a lot of deep questions about my character. Did I fall for a scam and ruin my life? Or had I been courageous to question the status quo and follow my interests?
A psychoanalyst mentor had an important answer (really, another question) for me: “Is the knight on a chessboard a small, lifeless wooden object, or is he a powerful player that can change the stakes of the game?” The answer, of course, is both.
Each and every one of us are both. A living, breathing paradox. Many experiences, talents, and flaws, all in one bundle. I eventually came to terms with my past and accepted myself in the present. Yes, I did all of those things, and I was making different choices and building a solid future for myself now. I saw my chessboard for what it was, and I also saw the game was not over.
When we look at ourselves in our situations from the lens of both/and, we give ourselves the benefit of perspective. We recognize that there is rarely just one story, and we’re able to see that more than one truth can be possible at the same time.
Our culture has a way of flattening people’s existence (especially women’s) and of viewing complexity and contradiction as a threat.
It can be tempting to take our big losses, mistakes, and failures and turn those into our whole identities or the entire lens we tackle life from. When we use both/and to better see and reflect on all sides of our stories, we empower ourselves.
Each of us has a complex story. That’s okay. What we’ve overcome and how we’ve changed is part of our agency and power.
When we don’t flatten ourselves or others, or immediately label people as someone different than we are, that’s powerful. It’s one way to push back against our society’s expectation that people should conform to one stereotype or narrative.
Practicing real self-care requires taking ownership of yourself back from the system that has held you down. Those systems can include your family, your workplace, society, or all of the above.
Revolution first requires changing our internal landscape — that’s what real self-care is all about. Once we change ourselves, we can go forth and exert power and agency in the outside world.
I think of this as planting seeds of revolution. We are seeding the future for ourselves and for the next generation as well. Remember, this work is ongoing and blossoms in unexpected ways.
In order to cultivate hope, people need to activate one or more of four different types of coping skills:
Problem-solving
Jumping to a task or action that helps you move forward tangiblyEmotion regulation
Reducing your in-the-moment stress level or feelings of discomfort.Activating a core identity
Connecting with an individual or collective identity.Relational coping
Connecting with mentors or important people in your life.
Each of those coping mechanisms can help you get back in touch with your personal power and find hope exactly where you are.
Think of a recent bad experience. Why did the situation make you feel so bad? Remember the feelings that you experienced at the time.
What actions did you take immediately after this event happened? Think about what you did in the hours, days, and weeks that followed. How did you cope? Did you move into problem-solving (specific actions like researching or collecting more information), or did you immediately reach out to a trusted friend or colleague (relational coping)?
Get granular. Which coping skills do you tend to reach for? Which did and didn’t work for you? Keep in mind we often use a mix of all four coping skills in order to build hope for ourselves. There may be two that come most naturally to us, but remember that all of these tools are available to you in times of distress.
Remember: in the face of so many systemic failures, the practice of hope is the ultimate source of resistance, because it’s always available for us to practice.
I believe that community care (another way to say paying it forward) is a byproduct of real self-care. Real self-care builds power, and with power comes responsibility.
Ultimately, the work of real self-care is about changing our relationships with ourselves. What naturally follows such deep internal change is a reorganizing of larger systems.
In order for this reorganization to be equitable for those of us who are most disadvantaged, those of us who hold privilege must share the power we build through real self-care. This might mean giving up some of the things our own privileges afford us — such as opportunities, convenience, status, etc. — so that those resources can be distributed to those who have less power than we do.
Ask yourself: Then take real steps to pay it forward.
What privileges do I hold?
What is easier for me than others?
How can I be generous in my personal and professional life?
What am I willing to give up?
How can I give back some of my power right now?
Remembering your power is, ultimately, about reclaiming your agency in a world that is constantly telling you that you have none. While the places where you can exert your agency may feel small or few and far between, the act of remembering and deploying your power is, in itself, what builds power. The goal is not to fix everything — it’s to be able to see and act on what you can fix.
📚 Order my book, Real Self-Care, as an e-book, hardcover, or audiobook.
💬 Hire me for a real self-care keynote by sending a message on my website.
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