Reading · EMOTIONAL WEALTH

The podcast plays at 1.25x, 43 tabs are open, and the coffee that’s already been reheated three times is cooling again. She’s scrolling Instagram in her yoga pants while mentally rehearsing what she should have said to Karen yesterday. She’s been awake since 5AM trying to fit an hour-long morning routine into her already time-deficient day. She’s tired but also wired, like being hot and also cold at the same time. She knows she needs to stop scrolling because it’s on her “to-don’t” list. But her “to-do” list is so much longer, so at least she feels like she’s doing something.

Most people think this is normal, but it’s not. It’s domesticated survival mode.

You already know you need to slow down and do less.

Everyone keeps telling you to “rest” and “take breaks” and “practice self-care.”

(Your inner zen master is probably trying to tell you the same but you’re drowning them out with all the “doing”)

The problem is that you don’t know how to slow down anymore. Your body has forgotten. And your mind has nothing better to do than tell you stories of all the stuff that needs doing.

Your nervous system is stuck in ON mode. And trying to “just relax” feels like slamming the brakes while you’re still speeding forward. And that’s really scary.

So if your mind races and it feels impossible to slow down, or you’re always on alert and small things irritate you, or you feel numb, foggy, and just going through the motions, or you say yes when you mean no, or you feel guilty resting…

(How very dare you relax and actually enjoy the present moment, the cheek of you?!” screams the inner task master waving a stick with one hand while covering the mouth of your inner zen master with the other.)

None of this is normal. And no, it’s not “just stress” or “to be expected as part of life in the 21st century”.

Collectively we have normalised stress. And there’s nothing normal about beings constantly stuck, exhausted, or overwhelmed. That’s survival mode and we’ve domesticated it.

While it’s normal to feel stress from time to time it’s not normal to live in this state.

So if you recognised yourself in any of those states you, dear friend, are in survival mode.

The problem is that most solutions focus on managing the symptoms of stress rather than changing the subconscious patterns underneath it. They might give you relief in the moment, some breathing space, but the same urgency, exhaustion, and overwhelm eventually creep back in because the underlying survival response is still running.

And that’s why even after all your efforts to do “all the things”, the stuckness, exhaustion, and overwhelm creep back in. And, they are sneaky b*stards, because survival mode doesn’t always look dramatic. Sometimes it looks like a constant low-level dread you’ve gotten used to feeling, or urgency humming in the background all day long. And because it’s familiar, you stop questioning it, and it starts to feel “normal”.

This is why you wake up already feeling sh*t, because your mind has been problem-solving, practising different case scenarios for the meeting with Karen, mind-mapping your next project before the current one is complete. And it’s like you’re running on a treadmill, eyes glazed over, wondering if this is all life has to offer…

Doing more is not the answer.

I wrote about this here…

Because you can’t optimise or think your way out of a subconscious pattern you’re not aware of. And that pattern is costing you your energy, your joy, and your potential.

Your subconscious isn’t just thoughts. It’s also your body, your nervous system, your emotional reactions, and the automatic patterns running beneath conscious awareness.

And your nervous system runs on very old software. Think of it like Caveman OS.

Its programming is simple: keep you alive by any means necessary.

For our caveman ancestors, certain things meant danger. Being rejected by the tribe, getting chased by a large hungry wild animal, being cornered - that sort of thing - because those things could result in death. So the nervous system learned to react fast to patterns that signalled danger.

Your nervous system responds to perceived safety and danger cues, often based on past conditioning rather than present reality.

That’s why an overflowing inbox or an awkward conversation can trigger the same alarm as a predator did for our caveman ancestors.

These patterns show up as one of the main four common survival responses that are designed to keep you safe. I call them the F-Words, and they become your personality in the moment.

(Often they also inspire another F-word)

There’s good old Fight, who is irritable, tense, and controlling. Fight loves clenching: jaw, fist, buttocks… Take your pick.

Then there’s Flight, who is non-stop “ON”, the off button has been AWOL for a while. Flight is always in motion, moving, shaking, creating, making!

There’s also Freeze, who is the one on the sofa in a dressing gown, zoned out. Looks like rest but couldn’t be further from the truth. Autopilot: engaged.

And there’s Fawn (happy to go last in this list because everyone else’s needs come first), who is the people-pleasing champion several decades running, saying yes with their mouth when their body is saying no.

These F-Words are survival tools.

And once your nervous system finds a reaction that works to keep you safe, it remembers it. The next time it notices a similar tone, feeling, or situation, it runs the same response automatically. This is why the same triggers result in the same reactions.

Over time, this turns the pattern into a subconscious programme and creates a habit loop.

And this habit loop has 3 parts - it includes a trigger, a behaviour, and a reward.

The trigger is the familiar event or situation (“oh this is familiar, let’s pull up the file for how to protect ourselves from this”)

The behaviour is the automatic F-Word reaction (“OK let’s roll out Fight / Flight / Freeze / Fawn.)

The reward is what being in survival mode gives you, which is familiarity, perceived safety, and predictability.

But because these states become familiar, most people stop questioning them. “It’s just stress.” “Everyone feels stressed these days.” And slowly survival mode starts masquerading as normal life.

Remember it’s a programme that’s running. It’s your Caveman OS. And the programme’s loop reinforces the neural pathway in your brain, making the pattern harder to break.

And, the thing is, you can’t actually spot a survival pattern if you’re disconnected from your body.

Most people are so stuck in their heads, thinking, planning, worrying, performing, that they completely miss the signals their body has been sending all day long.

So the very first thing you need to do is reconnect with your body. Because when it comes back online, you can take the reins of the runaway horse instead of just hanging on. And from there, you can begin understanding the patterns that have been running your life in the background.

You’re bringing unconscious patterns into conscious awareness. And awareness is the beginning of change.

(Please don’t be seduced by the idea of “at least I’m aware.” Because you may as well not have awareness if you’re not going to take any action)

Caveman OS will always be there.

We need it for actual real life danger! We just don’t need it butting its prehistoric head into our daily modern lives.

She switches off her alarm, squints at the time even though she already knows what time it is, and immediately feels the familiar whirr of the to-do list revving its engine. But this time she notices it sooner. Her inner zen master steps up elbowing the inner task master out of the way without blinking. She knows what to do. She sits up and puts her feet on the floor. She unclenches her jaw, drops her shoulders and takes one deep breath in and one slower breath out. Her life is still her life. Karen is still Karen. But there’s a pause now between the trigger and the reaction. She feels less urgency, and a lot more awareness. And for the first time in a long time, her body doesn’t feel like it’s bracing for impact before the day has even begun.

Stop Calling It "Modern Stress" When It's Actually Domesticated Survival Mode

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