When your cousin is still here, but your friendship isn't

To my little cousin,

You weren’t part of my life from the very start, but I was part of yours. We shared so many memories together and had so many laughs. All the phrases you used to say, I would copy because you were still learning how to speak. You could never say “doggy,” it was always “doddy”. You couldn’t say “disgusting,” so you would say, “that’s so ‘squst”. You would call me “Jaso-Penji” because we told you it was rude to call me by my actual name. Penji means ‘sister’, and that’s what you are to me. I love you like you’re my very own sister.

I’m so sad that I don’t get to watch you grow up. You’re the daughter that I always dreamt of. You’re my little twin. You copied everything that I did. You said, “when I grow up, I want to be just like you”. I was your role model. You took all my interests and made it into your own, and I loved that I was someone that you would look up to. I loved being chosen the way that you chose me; being your favourite girl.

Every day we spent together was incredible. Through all your first memories. Your first time on a plane. Your first holiday. Your first time ice-skating. Through all those memories, you made it so fun. You made my life so fun.

Any time we weren’t together, you would miss me. You told your parents that “I want to go to Jaso-Penji’s house”, or you would record a dance and tell them they need to send it to “Jaso-Penji”. It would make me so happy to see all those videos, and to hear all your voice messages. Being on video calls until you had to sleep, and you telling me that you wanted to see what my dog was doing.

You’re older now and I don’t get to raise you. I don’t even get to see you. You’re so close to me but you’re still out of reach. I hope you know I still think of you. I still miss you so much, and part of me wishes that maybe you miss me just as much.

I know you still have so much love for me, and I know you miss me. But you’ve probably moved on with your life for the most part. You don’t think of me as much as I think of you. You’re busy starting secondary school, making friends and finally going out to town without your parents taking you. Still, I wish I could be part of that life. I wish that I would get to see you grow up into the beautiful woman that you will grow up to be. I wish that I could be there to hear your stories about how school is going, how your friends are and hear you speak about the random things that you love to speak about. I wish I could see you. I wish I could just hear your voice.

I’ve known you since you were about three years old, and now you’re twelve and I feel like I’ve missed it all. We didn’t get to spend the last few years together. It’s just been short phone calls, here and there, few times a year. Our families may not be speaking right now, but I hope one day, in the future, we will be able to restore the bond that we once had. Being your cousin was a gift I never thought I needed. I am so lucky to have met someone as special as you. You are such an incredible young girl, and I wish you nothing but the best.

I want you to talk to me whenever you need to. I’ll always be around. I’ll wait for you – even if it’s ten years from now. I’ll never forget every moment that we shared together – every laugh, every tear, every bedtime story, every dance, every song, every experience. I hope to experience so much more with you one day. Our story is not over. I’ll always be waiting for my little girl to be mine again.

Lots of love, your Jaso-penji xx