CHICAGO (AP) — The United Astrology Conference (UAC) today announced that Eric Francis Coppolino, author of the Planet Waves horoscope and host of Planet Waves FM on Pacifica Radio, will replace Steve Forrest as a presenter at the United Astrology Conference.
The conference went through a search process after Forrest made traif jokes about “eel gefilte fish” and “kosher ham and cheese sandwiches,” and was forced to step down. Several dozen astrologers recommended Coppolino as someone who had made a worthwhile contribution to astrology — and who had never been on the UAC faculty.
According to Ancestry.com, Coppolino is 15% Sephardic Jewish and was the perfect shoo-in for the speaking slot.
“He’s not too Jewish, he’s just right,” said Rob Hand, a founder of UAC. “Eel gefilte fish? Kosher ham and cheese? Coppolino would never say anything like that.”
Coppolino will present on the theme of “Astrology as Journalism, from the Horoscope to the Sept. 11 Chart.”
“Journalism is the perfect form of expository writing to bring astrology to the people,” said Chiron pioneer Dale O’Brien. “It’s in plain talk, just like astrology should be. Eric has been the innovater in this field.”
Reached while vacationing on Alcyone, Barbara Hand Clow said, “I predicted this would happen back in 1995,” adding, “you really should read Eric’s book The Chironian, the best new book on Chiron to come out in decades.”
Al Morrison, reached in astrologer heaven, said, “Atta boy!”
“We thought he deserved a better place for the Planet Waves booth than the Marriott loading dock,” said Laura Kardashian, the UAC conference coordinator. “And we really didn’t want someone teaching astrology every morning at 8:30 am in the Harvest breakfast cafe,” she added.
Adam Elenbass, founder of Nightlight Astrology and longtime fan of Coppolino, said he was “thrilled to have Eric on the program,” but thought “he should be speaking about sex astrology.”
“Eric is the master of this topic. A reading he gave me while teaching at Nightlight in 2014 changed my life and set me free,” Elenbass said. “He untangled the complicated Gordian knots in my psyche and helped me liberate myself. Eric understands the 5th house, the 8th house and the 12th house like nobody else. And especially the 2nd. Eric is the walking, talking, photographing incarnation of the 2nd.”
Elenbass added: “Book of Blue is my favorite book. Eric will be back on the teaching roster of Nightlight Astrology for the spring session.”
In yet another shocking development, Coppolino will offer the first-ever “UAC Alt Keynote Speech.” This is following the long-forgotten “Fairness Doctrine in Astrology,” revered by the Conference Hotel Trade Association Communications Commission.
The official keynote speaker is Chani Nicholas, founder of Big Sister Astrology, the Big Sister astrology app and Bigger Sister fashion line of Watts and Reno. She will be announcing how the entire future will be reserved only for other lesbian sepratist feminists and their staunch allies.
The UAC board of directors voted unanimously to not have a bunch of “woke-ass jive” be the only viewpoint presented from the podium.
In a formal statement read at a hastily-convened press conference earlier today, the board said, “Yo! We thahnk him da greatest thahng ever. This boy is cold! Slap mah fro! Belaheve da hype. What it is, fer shure, Mama! It's all true. What it is, Mama!”
They added, “Respect!”
Coppolino will deliver a 25 minute message called “Take Off Your Mask” on the theme of astrologers giving medical advice.
“This is gonna be great,” said Rod Brezinsky, author of Free Pill Astrology, who will be a guest of honor at the conference. “I’ve needed to hear this for a long time.”
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