When the Ending You Want Doesn’t Happen

I was so sure I would be accepted into a particular craft fair. I had been accepted for three years but always on the waiting list as the booth size I selected was in high demand. This year, I applied for three different sizes and submitted my application well before the deadline.

Then, nothing.

Other artists received their acceptances at the end of July. Some were told they were on the waiting list in case of cancellations. By the middle of August, I still hadn’t heard anything.

What on earth happened?

Of course I was disappointed. I was beyond disappointed. The things I make are now much better crafted and styled. My photographs were terrific, and there aren’t many other vendors selling what I create. I thought I had a very good chance.

Sometime between submitting my application in May and waiting for the decision, my hope had quietly turned into expectation. I was so certain I would be accepted that I had already started thinking about how I would arrange my booth.

Have you ever been so sure of an outcome that you began planning around it? When it doesn’t happen, you don’t just feel disappointed. You can feel foolish for ever believing it would.

I was embarrassed, frustrated and a little crushed. Had I done something wrong? Was my work too silly? Was it not as creative as I thought? Was I simply too old to be doing this? All those thoughts began swirling around in my mind.

We all have expectations, even when we don’t realize we have them. Most of the time, we don’t speak about them or even question them.

We expect people to behave in certain ways, usually the ways we would behave ourselves. We expect our efforts to produce the results we want. We believe carefully prepared plans should work out. When we are loyal, honest and caring, we expect others to offer the same in return.

None of that feels unreasonable. Yet people don’t always behave as we expect, and even our best plans can be changed by weather, family issues, work obligations or countless other things beyond our control. Relationships change too, and even people we depend upon can disappoint us.

Does this mean we should stop having expectations? Of course not. But perhaps we need to notice when hope has turned into certainty, especially when no one has actually promised us the outcome we want.

There is nothing wrong with hoping, planning or becoming excited. Life would feel very flat without anticipation. Looking forward to the future motivates us and makes life more interesting.

The difficulty begins when we start believing that the outcome we want is definitely going to happen. We begin treating it as though it has already been promised.

That is the distinction I need to remember. Just because I want something to happen does not mean it will. The fact that the craft fair accepted me in the past did not guarantee that I would be accepted this year.

I didn’t deliberately decide that my application would be successful. The change happened so gradually that I didn’t recognize it. By the time other artists began receiving their acceptances, hope had already become certainty in my mind. No wonder I was so disappointed.

I’m not suggesting that we eliminate expectations and wander through life expecting nothing. I’m learning that I can look forward to something without deciding in advance exactly how it must turn out.

Some of our greatest disappointments involve other people. Someone doesn’t say, do or understand what seemed completely obvious to us. We expected enthusiasm, gratitude or understanding, but received a very different response. What we often forget is that the other person never saw the script we had written for them.

I have expected people to react as I would and then felt hurt or confused when they didn’t. But they aren’t me. I can hope they will respond in a certain way, but I shouldn’t assume they will.

You would think that by this age I would learned to stop expecting people to behave as I do. Apparently, I am still learning.

Accepting what happened does not mean pretending it didn’t hurt or deciding you don’t care. Some disappointments are genuinely painful. Acceptance simply means recognizing what happened rather than continuing to argue internally that it should not have happened.

We can try again using a different approach. We can reconsider what we wanted or decide that the goal no longer matters. Moving on doesn’t always mean giving up. Sometimes it means refusing to remain trapped in the ending we originally imagined.

I am still disappointed about the craft fair. I worked hard on my application, believed my work was good enough and wanted to be there. I don’t need to pretend otherwise.

But not being accepted also left room for something I hadn’t anticipated.

A dear friend will be in Spain when I finish walking the Camino near the end of October. If I extend my trip by a few days, I can meet her in Barcelona. Had I been accepted into the craft fair, I would have needed to return home sooner. Now I can add days to my trip and spend time with her.

I didn’t miss out on the craft fair so that I could go to Barcelona. I don’t believe every disappointment must be transformed into a blessing. Sometimes disappointing things simply happen, and we are allowed to be annoyed about them.

In hindsight, though, does missing this craft fair really matter that much? I think I was mostly pissed that I didn’t get in. That’s just the way it is. You win some and you lose some.

I will continue to hope and look forward to things. But I will start to leave some space between hope and certainty, allowing life to unfold differently from the version I created in my mind.

We have to move forward without really knowing where things will lead. When you think about it, how boring would life be if we always knew the endings?

If you know someone dealing with an unexpected disappointment, please consider sharing this article with them. It may help them recognize how quietly hope can turn into expectation, and remind them that a different ending may still be waiting.

Even at 72, my everyday life is still full of discoveries. Some are substantial, while others are quite small. Here are a few things I have watched, read and learned recently that I thought you might also enjoy.

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” (Quote often attributed to Churchill)

That line has stayed with me since I finished watching two seasons of Rogue Heroes. This terrific British series is based on the creation of the Special Air Service during the Second World War and its dangerous operations behind enemy lines.

The excellent cast portrays a rather crazy combination of fearless, rebellious and intensely focused soldiers. It has plenty of action, but the unusual characters are what kept me watching, along with the many locations in the Sahara desert, and in small villages and countryside in Italy. I thoroughly enjoyed both seasons and highly recommend it.

I cannot decide which of my August reads has been my favourite, but Demon Copperhead and Sipsworth are at the top of the list. One is enormous and the other is small, both in length and scale. Yet they have something important in common. Each story slowly pulled me in.

At first, I wasn’t sure either book would pass my 50-page go or no-go decision. Then I reached the point where I didn’t want either one to end.

Demon Copperhead tells the story of a remarkable young man who always finds a way to survive. Born into extreme poverty, he endures circumstances that no child should have to face. Luck is rarely on his side, but somehow, he keeps going, although not always toward something better. His tenacity gives the story its strength.

If enormous books aren’t your thing, try Sipsworth. This delightful little story is difficult to describe without giving away too much, so I won’t even try. Read it, and I suspect you will soon be telling other people to read it too.

I also recently finished The Correspondent. While I enjoyed it very much and would rank it among the best books I have read lately, for me, Sipsworth was even better. The main characters have certain similarities, although their stories are completely different. I love books with strong women of a certain age. Perhaps they remind me of someone.

Someone told me years ago that flights were cheaper if I booked them on a Tuesday. I was also told that Tuesday was a less expensive day to fly. I only half-listened until I began testing the theory for myself.

I have sometimes found lower fares when searching on a Tuesday. However, airfares do change constantly, and a bargain can appear or disappear on any day of the week.

Choosing a Tuesday flight, however, has often saved me money. Thursday has also worked well recently. When booking my trip to Portugal, I originally intended to fly on a Friday. Then I discovered that leaving one day earlier would save me almost $250 Canadian. That was certainly worth an extra night away.

My recent experiences have involved one-way flights to and from Thailand and my upcoming trip to Portugal, so this may not work for every route. Still, I now check the days on either side of my preferred departure before booking. A small change can sometimes produce a surprisingly large saving.

In my next Substack newsletter, on September 5^th, I’m going to explore how we gradually stop doing many things, often without making a deliberate decision. This does not mean we have lost something or allowed our lives to become smaller. Our interests, circumstances, and priorities change. Activities we once enjoyed may simply no longer belong in our lives. Letting them go can be a positive recognition of who we are now, while making room for the things that matter to us today.