Feeling Stuck in Your Growth?

Your body isn’t sabotaging you. It’s trying to protect you. Here’s how to work with it instead of against it.

So often when we are struggling with growth, we think, “I just need to change
my mindset.” We think it’s a willpower issue, or that we simply need to be more disciplined or self-motivated.

But the real problem may be that there are internal alarm bells going off inside your body. Our limbic system is all about survival — it’s continuously tracking what it needs to do to keep you safe. So when we courageously step out of what’s familiar by starting to make change or embarking on a path toward growth, it can feel alarming to our system.

That alarm can lead to avoidance, paralyzing fear, or self-sabotage — all problematic when we’re trying to create positive change in our personal lives or out in the world.

Losing weight, getting rid of stuff that’s been taking up space for years, taking
a bold, next-level step in your business or career, entering a new relationship…
any of these steps can signal “danger” in your nervous system.

Our nervous systems are fond of stability and predictability. They like rhythm. They like what they know. We throw that balance off when we step out of what’s familiar.

You’ve probably heard somebody joke, “I’m launching my new program and my bathroom’s never been cleaner.”

We all have old patterns that can show up in our nervous system’s effort to keep us safe — patterns like perfectionism, over-giving, people pleasing — instead of dealing with the bigger, harder, scarier things that move us toward growth.

People so easily get to work on the interminable list of things that need attention — but avoid the things that would most move them forward in the direction they’re dreaming. We all do it! It can feel unsafe to step into an upgraded, different version of ourselves, so we protect against it.

It’s important to know that, while it may feel like your body and nervous system are sabotaging you and making trouble, they are actually responding in deeply functional and adaptive ways — trying to protect you and take care of you.

Fight, flight, freeze, fawn, and fix-it functions are all signs of your brilliant autonomic nervous system at work. This capable system also controls your heart rate, breathing rhythms, wound healing, reproduction, digestion, and hormones.

All of these functions happen automatically and in very rhythmic ways. Our systems are really built for rhythm. When we make changes, we step out of rhythm, and it can engage our stress response.

So what can we do to keep our nervous systems from overriding our dreams and goals in their attempt to keep us safe and steady?

One essential thing we can do is to create safety in the change we make. One powerful thing you can do is to simply get present to the here and now. Actually recognize who and where you are in this moment.

When our systems are activated, and we’re in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, we’re responding to old patterns within ourselves. Those patterns send us spiraling back into past experiences or what went wrong - or flying forward into fears of what might go wrong in the future. If we get present to right now, it helps us to recognize that in this moment we are here, we are safe, and we have the capacity to do the thing we want to do.

Also, our system can get overwhelmed with big leaps. Maybe you have a bigger vision in mind. You dream of leading retreats of 50 people, but currently have 100 people on your mailing list; or you want to be in a steady partnership in the next few years, but divorced 10 years ago or haven’t been open to dating in 15.

We look at these big goals, which feel like big leaps, and it’s terrifying! So we get stuck and can’t move forward.

Instead, we can identify smaller steps that we can take right now. Then we practice taking those smaller steps and pair them with practices that establish safety.

So let’s first make a more reasonable goal, for the next 6–12 months. If we stay with the retreat example, let’s say you do have 100 people on your newsletter list, and for your first retreat, you decide that filling your retreat means bringing in 10 people.

As an initial (safer) step, you personally call and email 10 people today to let them know you’re planning your retreat, invite them in, and also encourage them to invite others.

Then, you also write a note about it in your newsletter. Before you write your newsletter, you get really clear within yourself about the retreat, the vision you have, the excitement about all of what you’re going to offer the participants, and then write from that place.

Then, you talk to your body and say, “You just did this outreach. You wrote this newsletter. Well done! You’re starting the process, and moving forward, and you’re safe as you do it.”

There are numerous body-oriented techniques we can use to signal to your body that you’re safe as you take action that pair mindset work with body work.

Celebrate what you did. Point out to your nervous system the amazing thing you just did and that it doesn’t have to be hella terrifying. Or if it was terrifying, that you survived it and everything is ok! This matters.

Remember, you’re working with your brain and nervous system here, and the more primitive parts are focused on your survival. By creating safety around the actions you take, you engage the more evolved parts of your brain and nervous system bringing them into leadership as you acknowledge your safety and well-being while you’re doing the hard things.

Do some safety creation, whatever helps you feel safe. This varies by individual, and may vary at different times for you.

A few ideas, right after taking action:

• Dancing — doesn’t need to be choreographed, just good movement to release stress and bring on joy

• Stroking opposite arms from shoulder to elbow repeatedly, so soothing

• Getting some big hugs

• Going outside, being on the earth, and looking at the sunset

• The best thing that we can do is take small steps, and then create safety in the body before, during, and after. Then take more small steps, and again, create safety. The more that we do that, the more that we’re able to recognize that there is safety in the growth.

Let’s name something that’s really important for these times, because you might be wondering, why should I focus on my own personal change when so much is going wrong in the world and it feels like the world’s on fire?

Personal change is often hard, but when it feels like the country or the world is falling apart, you might feel guilty thinking about business growth or personal growth. I get this and have done deep reflection and work on this myself and with my clients.

You CAN work on personal change and act for collective change. It’s not either/or.
It’s both/ and.

#1. You can make a bigger impact with a regulated nervous system. Instead of thinking of your personal growth as self-indulgent, I invite you to think, “I need this body and nervous system and spirit to be functioning as best as she humanly can right now. This allows me to show up for my kids, my partner, my community, my business and in the world.”

This is an extraordinary time to be on the planet — and a profoundly important time to grow our nervous system capacity to show up and make change. And there are some hard things being asked of us.

The more of us that take a stand and act in ways that matter, ways that promote and help to create the world we want to see, the better off we’re all going to be.

But if we’re trying to make change on high stress, processed food, overconsumption of social media, imbalance and insomnia, it’s going to be much harder to ripple out something positive into the world. (I’m not judging anyone’s choices. just noting that when we fuel and tend to our bodies and nervous systems in a positive, consistent, powerful way, our capacity for change becomes greater.)

#2. You can contribute to the change you want to see. When you grow your business and make more money, you can put money towards the things that really matter. Right now there are a whole lot of people holding power who have extraordinary amounts of money, and they are wielding it like weapons, financially backing their actions in horrendous ways.

We know that when conscious women have money, it gets poured back into community. Children, families, communities do better when conscious women have more funds. As you grow your nervous system capacity to do powerful things in your business and career, and you make more money as you do, you then have the capacity to contribute financially in ways that matter to you. In ways that align with your values and that help make the world a better place. This is another way to contribute to change.

#3. Co-regulation and mirror neurons create ripples. When I have a system with greater capacity to handle big challenges and scary things personally and collectively, then you come into my space and you’re going to co-regulate with me. You’re going to have a more settled system because you are in space with me.

The reverse is true, too. If I’m in a space where I’m super stressed, my nervous system is dysregulated and I’m feeling anxious and/ or frozen, and I can’t manage my impulses, and you come into my space, you’re going to feel that as well.

We’ve all had that experience of being around someone who’s really dysregulated and struggling, and feeling the ripples of that within our own bodies and nervous systems as well as in the collective around us.

Research on mirror neurons shows that if you take a specific action (say, sending out a heartfelt newsletter, or doing a courageous act out in the world, or apologizing to your kid for yelling, etc.), and someone else is watching you, they show activity in the same region of the brain as yours, because they’re witnessing you.

Similarly, when you’re resilient to what’s happening in the world, when you have grown your nervous system capacity to show up even when it’s hard, others witness you, and it supports their brains in believing that they too can be resilient to what’s happening in the world and to show up even when it’s hard. This is mirror neurons in action.

These times are deeply calling for people with nervous systems that have capacity, because that capacity ripples out. That doesn’t mean you don’t cry or feel afraid when you take to the streets or make a call to a congressperson. It doesn’t mean you don’t feel grief or deep concern for your neighbors or those you read about. It means you show up anyway, with more stability, more capacity, more confidence and clarity, and without being paralyzed by anxiety or fear.

When we have more safety on board in our nervous systems, we can make clearer and better decisions for ourselves, for our business, for our families, and for the world. We can operate in a way that fuels us towards showing up in community, whether that’s monetarily, or with our feet, or with our actions, or with our words, or through mutual aid and support. You choose the way you can and want to show up. With more safety on board, you expand the range of ways you can show up.

I always share with my community that the world needs you well. In times like these, your regulated, steady, courageous presence is part of the change.

So tend to your wise body and nervous system. Take the small step. Create the safety. And keep going. The world needs you well.