Watching the News: An Exit Interview

The news: What are your reasons for no longer watching us?

Me: I bought another subscription service, so I really can’t justify watching free content these days.

The news: We should charge more?

Me: No, well, you can, I guess. It probably is better if poor people can’t watch it, really.

The news: Would you come back if we charged more?

Me: No.

The news: Not the money, hey. News/life balance?

Me: Kind of.

The news: Thirty minutes of your day is too much? We do reels too, you know.

Me: It’s not just the time I spend watching. It stays with me all day.

The news: That’s good. We’re making an impact.

Me: Yeah, a negative, soul sucking, the world is imminently about to implode type impact.

The news: Ah, you can’t switch off. Shame. We have a button for that. If you had a button would you come back?

Me: No.

The news: Is it the culture?

Me: Yes. Didn’t you just hear me about the imminent implosion stuff?

The news: We have many implosion stories scheduled. Global stock markets, Russian bioweapon research facility, the stomachs of those who have eaten supermarket lettuce packs in the last two weeks. Can you clarify?

Me: I mean, you do tend to go on a bit about all the wars, murders, poverty, global loss of sovereignty, environmental destruction, the lack of a bright future for all our children and grandchildren—

The news: We do sport though. That’s 50% good news.

Me: Not if you count draws.

The news: Draws are good. No losers. Except the fans. Especially binary fans. Anyways, we do weather.

Me: Your weather stinks. It’s filled with hurricanes, and floods, and droughts, and heatwaves.

The news: Variety is the spice of life.

Me: Last week you told me it was ‘Sticking it to the Telcos.’

The news: Would you recommend the news to others?

Me: Sadists, maybe.

The news: Thank you. That makes me happy to hear. Do you have any suggestions for improvements?

Me: A little good news would help.

The news: Like cat stories? We have one scheduled tonight about a cat who watches other cat stories on the news. His reactions are heartwarming.

Me: Forget the fucking cats. I’m talking about some sort of indication that our planet isn’t going completely down the toilet.

The news: We have a baby panda that waves a stick of bamboo around like Harry Potter?

Me: Forget it.

The news: Is there anything at all we could do to keep you watching the news?

Me: Do you remember, back in the old days—

The news: We love the old days. So many wars.

Me: Yeah, I’m talking back when televisions were like boxes—no remotes—and you had to flick between stations with these little knobs—

The news: We love knobs too. Especially the ones in charge of countries. The more knobs, the better, we like to say.

Me: ...and sometimes you would flick to one of the in between channels that had no signal? And it was just this grey static, or crackling white lines?

The news: (Shudders.) The dead zone.

Me: Yeah. I’d watch that for a good couple of hours a day.

The news: (Leaves the room for several minutes. Heated conversation vaguely audible from outside, then returns.) What about Penguins?

Happy New Year!