Would You Prefer We Were Still Together, or Do You Enjoy Your Peace?

The question itself implies that being with him
and having peace are two separate things.

And he is right.

Some things never change. I started to write some people never change, but I crossed it out and wrote it the way I meant it. People can change. Narcissists rarely do. He never did.

It has been six years since our marriage fell apart. Actually, it was dying a slow death from day one, but that is another journal entry for another day. Six years since I finally said enough. After separating, getting my own place, being love bombed into taking him back. Only to find out I was tricked again. Then leaving again, for good. Breaking the trauma bond. Finally being free.

So free that a text or a phone call from him has no effect on me at all. And this text was no different.

My first reaction was WOW. Not WOW as in hope. Not WOW as in he is thinking about me, he must miss me. None of that. It was WOW, he actually asked me if I enjoy peace and independence.

There are so many problems with this question I didn’t know where to begin. The fact that he asked it, in this order. Option one, would I prefer to be with him. OR. Option two, enjoy peace and independence.

I laughed out loud. The question itself implies that being with him and having peace are two separate things. And he is right.

There Was No Peace

There was no peace in my marriage. No peace in our home, because he had to be entertained CONSTANTLY. House parties, clubs, bars, cookouts. TVs and radios blasting sports or songs I grew to hate because they were on heavy rotation. Sleeping with the TV on every night because he could not stand silence (while clinching the remote to prevent me from turning it off).

No peace in my heart, because I lived in constant fear of disappointing him, or him disappointing me. Constant scanning for danger. Conflict. Unrealistic expectations. Serving him hand and foot. Sleeping with an eye mask, earplugs and a pillow over my head, or resorting to the couch to escape.

No peace for my children, who were also at his mercy. Children were meant to obey, respect, and be quiet, he would say. We were all his servants.

He asked if I enjoy my peace. Because he knew I never had any with him.

I could have written all of that back to him. And six years ago, I would have. But I am healed enough now to know that saying any of it would mean taking the bait. Letting him drag me down the memory lane of confusion and over-explaining. I did not give him the pleasure.

But my healing also means I have a voice. And I am not afraid to use it.

The Science

The version of me he was texting no longer exists. For 30 years my body was wired to his moods. A certain tone, a certain look, and my nervous system would brace. What I thought was weakness was actually biology.

So I replied. Calmly. From the woman I am now, not the person he groomed me to be.

I spoke my truth, and I kept it simple. I obviously did not get married to be divorced 30 years later. I truly loved him with my whole heart and only asked for the same in return. But he was not capable of respecting me, valuing me, or protecting me the way I just naturally assumed a husband would. I was willing to do literally anything to save my marriage.

But I had no idea who I was, so I let him mold me into who he wanted me to be. That was my way of earning his love. I didn’t realize that I did not know my own worth. So why would he?

I had no idea what it meant to be your “authentic self”. But now I do.

And I will never go back to not knowing.

The Framework

Of course, in true form, he replied. And his reply was a smorgasbord of manipulation. I want to walk you through it the way I walked through it in my journal, because once you can name these tactics, they lose their power over you. This is the work I do with my clients. We learn to see the manipulation so clearly that we can’t unsee it. And this is what empowers us to take back our power and reclaim our identity.

Four sentences. Four tactics. Here is what each one was really doing.

1. FAKE EMPATHY

   "As long as you're happy."

   The goal was always to be happy with him. He overlooks the fact that he had every opportunity to let me be happy with him. But my happiness was never his priority. His priority was for me to make him happy, at my expense. As long as he was happy, that was supposed to make me happy too. The truth is, my happiness never mattered. Now he is mirroring care and concern.

2. THE LOVE BOMB

   "I love you so much."

   But not enough to respect me. Not enough to respect our marriage. Not enough to protect me from harm, emotional, psychological, spiritual, financial, and sexual. That is the opposite of love. That is abuse masked as love.

3. THE GUILT TRIP AND THE VICTIM

   "If you're happier without me, then go be happy."

   I am obviously happier without him. He wants me to feel guilty for it. As if he tried to make me happy and I was just never satisfied. As if there was nothing more he could have done to please me. The funny thing is, this line used to work on me. I thought that proving my love to him meant giving him everything and accepting breadcrumbs in return. I loved him enough to get through anything. And he took advantage of that.

4. THE DISCARD

   "We only have one life."

   In other words, you had your chance, now you are on your own. Yet, I gave him my life— literally all I had to give, until I had nothing left. I shrank. I submitted. I waited for change. I prayed. I sacrificed my identity and my peace. Fortunately, it is never too late to start over. The thing I was most afraid to do turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.

It will never cease to amaze me how oblivious narcissists are. And yet how amazing it is to see so clearly through all of the manipulation, right down to the TRUTH.

IFS and the Spiritual Lens

In Internal Family Systems work, we learn that the parts of us formed in survival are not our enemies. The hypervigilant one who scanned for his moods, the one who served and shrank and earned, she was protecting me the only way she knew how. I do not shame her now. I thank her. She kept me alive until the day I could lead.

Today, a different part is in charge. The healed Self. She has a voice, and she chooses when to use it. She did not need the last word with him. She only needed her peace.

So when I finally answered him, she showed up.

And I meant it. That is the other gift of my peace and my independence. I can love him from a distance, where it is safe to have empathy and sympathy for someone so broken he can only find love in someone else’s pain.

I realized that he, or anyone, can only respect you as much as you respect yourself. Protecting my peace allows me to honor myself, love myself, and guard my heart. Because I now know that my empathy is a gift, and I have to guard it with my whole heart.

Michael A. Singer wrote that you do not have to defend your peace by winning the argument. You protect it by no longer needing to. Iyanla Vanzant calls it loving people from the lobby of your life instead of giving them a room. Eckhart Tolle would say the old story only has power while you keep feeding it your presence.

I stopped feeding it.

I will always love the person I met and fell head over heels for 35 years ago. And I accept that that person does not exist. He may never have.

And I am at PEACE.

I do not love him less. I love myself enough to do it from a distance.

If A Text Still Jolts You

Maybe you are not here yet. Maybe their name on your screen still drops your stomach. Maybe one text can still pull you back into explaining, defending, hoping. If this is you, please hear me. Your reaction is not a reflection of who you are. It is a nervous system that learned to how to survive. And it can be taught something new.

Trust me when I tell you, the charge fades. Do not try to force yourself to stop caring. I’ve tried, it doesn’t work. But you can heal the place the alarm was wired into. One day a message will arrive that once would have wrecked your whole week, and you will notice that you simply went on with your day. That day is real. I am living proof of it!

He asked if I would rather be with him or enjoy my peace and independence. I’m positive he expected me to choose him. Instead, I chose me. But I silently thanked him for the opportunity to remind myself of who the woman I am today.

I choose my peace. Every single time.

From surviving to thriving,

Marcia

Founder of Passage to Peace