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Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I’m Dr. Cara Goodwin and my goal is to take all of the scientific research that is out there on parenting and child development and translate it into information that is useful, accurate, and relevant for parents. My new book, What To Do When You Feel Like Biting, just came out and you can order it from Amazon here or from other retailers here. The next book in the series is What To Do When It’s Time To Calm Down, is also available for pre-order here. If you already ordered my book, please leave an Amazon Review. Even if your review is only a few words, it will help support my book and mission! Thank you in advance!

Most parents of boys have had this experience— their son shows some kind of challenging behavior and someone nearby shrugs and says something along the lines of “boys will be boys,” or otherwise implies that rough or rowdy behavior is natural and even inevitable for boys. Although meant to be validating, these remarks suggest that nothing that can— or should— be done to change or improve the behavior and parents must simply accept it. To further drive home this point, there is now a viral sound bite circulating on social media stating that boys between the ages of three and five experience a surge of testosterone comparable to that of puberty—supposedly explaining why boys are more active, defiant, or aggressive during these years. But is it true that boys experience a testosterone surge during the early childhood years and what does the science say about how parents should manage the behaviors of boys?

Despite how widespread this idea has become, research consistently finds that testosterone does not show any significant increases during this time. Testosterone does increase during the first two trimesters of pregnancy and during the first six months of a boy’s life (a time period referred to as mini-puberty). The rise in testosterone during pregnancy and infancy may contribute to behavioral differences between boys and girls later in life but it is certainly not the only factor that drives these behavioral differences. For example, research finds that infants with higher testosterone levels show more stereotypical male play as toddlers (such as playing with trains instead of baby dolls) yet the effects are very modest meaning that other factors must be at play as well.

The idea that there is a testosterone surge in toddlerhood comes from the book Raising Boys: Why Boys Are Different--and How to Help Them Become Happy and Well-Balanced Men by Steve Biddulph. This is a bestselling book that has some important strengths such as advising parents to balance nurturing with firm limits for boys. However, critics would argue that this book over-emphasizes the difference between boys and girls and that some of the claims, including the idea of a testosterone surge in young boys, are not based on research.

It may be because the differences between boys and girls become increasingly obvious during the preschool years. Research finds that boys at this age are more likely to show aggression and assertiveness and less likely to show empathy than girls. During this stage, children are becoming more independent and beginning to realize that they can challenge their parents. They are also transitioning from parallel play to more interactive play, which requires learning to share, take turns, cooperate, use gentle hands, and regulate their emotions. Parents during this time may respond differently to boys versus girls which only further differentiates their behavior.

On the surface, this “fun fact” may seem helpful and validating for parents of boys. Yet, when myths like this are promoted, it changes the way that parents perceive and respond boys’ behavior and these changes may not always be positive. Parents may begin to believe that challenging behavior is simply the result of a transient biological process beyond their control. As a result, they may tolerate or overlook these behaviors instead of offering the guidance and support boys need. Because research finds that parents expectations can become self-fulfilling prophecies, meaning that kids behave in the way parents expect them to behave, this misconception may unintentionally reinforce the exact behaviors that parents are trying to reduce.

Although it is true that the testosterone that a child is exposed to during pregnancy and infancy may be related to later behavior, other factors like parenting style undoutedly play a role as well. In fact, research actually suggests the opposite of just accepting the “boys will be boys” mindset since boys may actually be more sensitive to differences in parenting than girls. Research finds that boys’ behavior may be more impacted by positive parenting practices than girls and that negative parenting practices are more likely to lead to behavioral problems in boys than girls. Ultimately, this suggests that parents may need to be even more intentional and thoughtful in how they guide and support their sons.

This type of misinformation is a great example of something called neurobabble. Neurobabble involves using neuroscience or biological terms to make an idea sound more credible than it really is. Research finds that most people will rate findings with neuroscience evidence as more convincing and satisfying. Imagine if you read that “research finds that screen time hurts children” versus “research finds that screen time hurts the brain development of children.” In this case using a neurobiological explanation not only makes the fact sound more credible but makes the differences in behavior seem more “fixed” meaning that there is nothing that parents can do to reign in the aggression or hyperactivity of boys.

The claim that boys experience a testosterone surge from ages three to five may be gaining popularity on social media but it is not supported by research. The danger in promoting myths like this is that they can lead parents to view boys’ behavior as biologically predetermined and out of their control. In reality, research shows that parenting plays a powerful role in boys’ development and that boys may actually be more sensitive to both positive and negative parenting than girls. Rather than accepting a “boys will be boys” mindset, parents can work to help boys to develop emotional regulation and social skills with the following research-backed tips:

Let boys express all of their feelings: Rather than simply assuming that boys aren’t as “emotional” as girls, parents should encourage boys to express a range of emotions, particularly the “weaker” emotions like sadness, fear, and anxiety. Parents can encourage this expression by noticing, validating, and empathizing with all of their feelings. Research finds that parents are more likely to ignore boys’ feelings of sadness and anxiety. Over time this may lead boys to express fewer of these more vulnerable emotions and instead show more anger and aggression.
Talk about the emotions that you see in books, shows, and movies with your boys: Research finds that parents talk about emotions more frequently and talk about a greater number of emotions with girls than boys. An easy way to talk about emotions more frequently is to point them out in books, shows, and movies. Ask what the characters are feeling and relate it back to your child’s life (“Have you ever felt that way?”).
Do not use harsh or physical discipline: Research finds that parents, particularly fathers, with more traditional ideas about gender roles tend to use more physical control of boys than girls, which may contribute to the later development of aggressive behavior. Parents should be mindful that their discipline of boys is not harsher or more physical, as this can reinforce the very behaviors they hope to reduce.
Make an effort to teach boys social emotional skills: Make an effort to teach social-emotional skills such as perspective-taking, empathy, and emotional regulation. You can use books like The Rabbit Listened, Cara’s Kindness, What To Do When It’s Time to Calm Down (my new book!) or Calm-Down Time to teach these skills.
Set the same rules for play for boys and girls: Parents are more likely to encourage rough play in boys, which can contribute to boys showing more and more rough play over time. There is nothing wrong with rough and tumble play but it is important that parents have consistent rules for rough play for boys and girls (for example, you have to stop immediately if the other child asks you to stop).
Model healthy emotional regulation: Research finds that parent aggression is linked to children having more aggressive attitudes. For example, instead of yelling or banging on the steering wheel when you hit traffic, try deep breathing or saying a calming mantra to yourself such as “I can handle this.”

Please don’t forget to check out my new books, What To Do When You Feel Like Biting and What To Do When It’s Time To Calm Down and please leave an Amazon Review! Thank you so much for your support!!!

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The Myth of the Toddler Testosterone Surge

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