Reading · Pain To Possibilities®

This is a very personal piece that has taken me about 11 months to bring myself to write. The only reason I am writing it today is because the same thing is happening to other people and we can no longer stay silent. Every instance costs us valuable connections and relationships, leaving heartaches, unanswered questions, and toxic thought cycles behind.

Tell me if you have experienced or can resonate with a situation where you reach out to someone you care about and get silence. Not just once but over and over without any insight or understanding as to why. Or maybe the silence arrived first, but the obvious break-up follows, articulated or not, without warning, without explanation, without a fight or disagreement to blame. Here is where we are left to replay the last conversation or possible instance in our heads that could have led to such a drastic outcome. This is where toxic thoughts breed and swim in our heads. What becomes blaringly obvious is how fragile the foundation of the relationship was, unknown to us before. This is devastating, especially when we thought this was a relationship that would weather life’s storms and be there no matter the trial because when we love, we love with all we have and through all as it is unconditional. Well, at least from our side. So, when did disappearing become an acceptable way to love, especially during a difficult or uncomfortable moment? When did our relationships and our value for people become so expendable?

Please do not mistake this to be about blame. It is absolutely not! It is about a toxic pattern of behavior that is being adopted and practiced and that is costing us our most valuable relationships and impacting our quality of life, well-being, and humanity.

There are many contexts in our modern living in which our tendency to pull away during discord is the preferred response and even celebrated. We would rather exercise this toxic reaction than lean in and deal with the situation or people involved. For example, the parent who stops calling rather than discussing their disappointment. Or the sibling who exercises quiet quitting of the relationship instead of addressing their resentment. Perhaps the friend who slowly fades away instead of saying what has been hurtful or the partner who emotionally checks out long before the relationship ends though it eventually does.

This distancing often gets masked as a self-protection mechanism, setting boundaries, or becoming more emotionally mature. Sometimes these references can be true. But there are other times when what we are masquerading as managing our peace is simply avoidance. Avoiding can often be more convenient and feel easier than confronting the discomfort, vulnerability, or the risk of being misunderstood on top of having difficult conversations. The cost is that these once meaningful relationships erode through what is left unsaid.

Humanized relationships are not defined by the absence of conflict. They are actually developed and defined by how we handle conflict when it is necessary or happens. Every meaningful relationship will encounter disappointment, misalignment, and moments of emotional strain during its life span. These do not represent failures of love, but rather are our opportunities to be human together.

We miss these opportunities to strengthen and grow in our relationships when we let our toxic thoughts prevail and choose to avoid or disconnect from one another. Don’t be fooled, we are not building individual or collective resilience when we dispose of valuable relationships. Instead, the toxic notions that discomfort is dangerous and connection is conditional on consistent comfort only contributes to our fragility.

Think about examples of humanized relationships that have endured and surviving the tests of time. They did not make it because things or people were always perfect. The relationships survived because people were willing to do the work, speak honestly, listen imperfectly, and repair when needed. Emotional and relational longevity is built through consistent effort and engagement. Not giving up or escaping.

It is important that we choose to value the quality and longevity of our relationships more than the ease of disposing of what may seem challenging at the time. The danger of continuing on the increasing trend of dissolving our connections will only continue to feed our epidemics of loneliness and social illnesses, trapping us in toxic thinking and behavior patterns. People will continue to lose faith in investing time, energy, and emotions in relationships that feel frivolous and lacking a sense of safety.

We need to redefine and re-energize our faith in love and practice being more patient, kind, and compassionate with one another, especially during our challenges. It is time to be brave again in having difficult conversations with the confidence of working through them and coming out stronger on the other side.

Humanizing confrontation and conflict in our relationships reminds us that growth results from facing adversities. The skills to manage conflict and communicate well can be learned, practiced, and strengthened over time by anyone. The benefits far outweigh the costs in terms of the quality of our connections and investments over time. I do not take my relationships lightly and have had numerous, with, likely, many more, difficult conversations. Each one moving us closer to a shared understanding, not always agreement, but mutual respect for our commitment in the bond. Love is not a measure of alignment. It represents our capacity to be committed, even uncomfortable.

That is why the ghosting, disappearing, and abrupt cut-offs hurt so much, because the relationship never even stood a chance, which came as a surprise, or we were caught off guard. Over a lifetime, the relationships that matter most to us are shaped by our courage to stay, talk, and work it out. Believe me, I wish they had. My family wishes they had. We lost 3 generations of love and friendships, and we will never truly know why.

If this is something you would like to discuss more through Tell Me More Live or Video, please let me know with a comment or question.

A Relationship Pattern Too Common...

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