It's Spring 2142 (a Tuesday), and Gated Galaxies has launched its 400 Oz-8000 ships, each carrying 50,000 "resting guests" to, hopefully, a new home on a shiny, brand-new planet. Except this whole "terraform and take over" idea isn't actually the plan; the real plan is far more nefarious and involves a great deal of cackling. But those aboard the ships don't know that, so off they toodle (those that make it out of Earth's atmosphere, at least), all shiny and optimistic. This is the story of one…
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First, if you haven't listened to Mission: Rejected, seriously, do you read these notes EVER? We've mentioned that show a brazillion times, so just GO LISTEN ALREADY. Look, I'll even make it easy for you: here is their website (https://www.missionrejected.com/). Here it is on Apple podcasts (https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mission-rejected/id1454748884) and on Spotify…
Hmmmmmm? Wazzat? Oh, hello, are you still here? Goodness, you are patient. Yes, season 7 is still in the works. Here's a little something to tide you over until it splooches messily into your timeline. This is one of those silly conversations between the glorious Sarah Golding and poor Kevin Hall (Greg, Felonius), who has died on Oz 9 more than anyone else, although not recently which may mean…
More 9ers because let's face it: little in life is as satisfying as someone else's world spiraling utterly out of control as they get deeper and deeper into a festering bog-swamp of bad decisions and regret. Tim has an excuse -- it was hard to see at the beginning how truly ridiculous this train wreck was going to be. Chrisi joined up after it was abundantly clear that was a bad idea. We can only…
Well, I'd say the fun never ends with this crew, but in truth, empires have risen, fallen, risen again, fallen again, and risen a third time to cries of "good god, will you just stay dead" and we're all still waiting for the fun to START. But these two are modestly entertaining, if you're feeling relaxed, have some good wine, and have recently been on the sharpish end of an icepick to the brain.…
Who doesn't want to spend more time being utterly confused by the Idiots of Oz 9? Don't answer that. PUT YOUR HAND DOWN. Sarah Golding, who has zero time left in her busy days, couldn't resist adding one more spicy meatball to her heaping plate and decided to interview the cast and characters of Oz 9, in no particular order. First up: the Perry siblings — Eric Perry, plus his alter egos of Joe…
We assume our title will send tens of you dashing to Google Translate or similar to check Joe's [Jesus!] pronunciation, so spoiler alert, he's spot on. Or not. Apologies to Icelanders. So.... 120's out. That's a thing we finally did. With it, season six concludes and begins its long trudge toward inevitable oblivion. But with goats, so it's not so bad. Stay tuned for a special announcement at the…
Hey, no one can accuse this crew of good taste in food, decoration, home furnishings, friends, leisure pursuits, career choices.... You get my point. But there is one thing we know REALLY well, and that's good entertainment, particularly good science fiction. So trust us when we say, LISTEN TO THIS TRAILER. Voyage Media, who brought us Sanctuary, are at it again with Hard Drive, a story about…
NOTE: follow us on Bluesky (@oz9podcast.bsky.social) or join our Discord channel (https://discord.gg/4zXBRxH) for updates on our End of Season Six Live Listen! Right, don't tell your parents we suggested this, but we kinda think the title of this episode would make a hell of a Halloween costume.... Ahem. The away ship is basically nestled in the Oz 9's armpit, the ship's assassin is expiring…
Hello? <tap tap> Anybody out there? Oh, yeah, hey. It's been a minute. Soooooooo... where were we? <deep breath> Right. When last we left our crew, they had managed to make it on the Maggies II and III and blast off from Planet Bob. Just barely before Planet Bob sort of ... blasted. Now that word feels funny. Blasted. Question is, did the ships and their contents survive the explosion? Well,…
Yes, you read that title correctly. We have a profound respect for gerbils up here and won't hear a word against them. If you take issue with that, or indeed with Rodentia in general, well, we would remind you that the characteristic that defines Rodentia is a "single pair of continuously growing incisors in each of the upper and lower jaws,"* so let THAT keep you awake at night. And that podcast…
Look, when your life is in the hands of someone who only recently gave up huffing glue, you keep your will updated and hope for the best. Such is the situation our four guests find themselves in, but hey, they agreed to be part of this season of I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Off This Toxic Planet , so on their own heads be it, really. Dr Theo (swoon) has sabotaged their escape "plan" for purposes that…
Y'all. Y'ALL. Ok, we've given you no reason to respect our judgment, but we're not wrong on this one. Sure, OK, we were wrong about the forniculator — yeah, that's not a thing — but we're right about this. You are going to LOVE this show. WTFKMS is super-smart, funny, and moves faster than Olivia making fun of Madeline's math skills. Give the episode here a listen, then trot on over to your…
Stuck on Planet Bob where pretty much everything is awful all the time, the crew is freezing and desperate for a safe place to ... well, to screw up, if their past is any indication. Huddled for warmth, buffeted by high winds, they suddenly hear the faint sounds of laughter and applause. Because of course they do. You've been listening to: Tim Sherburn as Colin and Emily Introducing Caden Dowgin…
The crew are tramping aimlessly across the blistering and occasionally freezing surface of Planet KTAALNS (Kill Them All And Leave No Survivors, otherwise known as "Bob") and things are pretty grim. Like, not even Brothers Grimm, more Quintuplets Grimm, plus a few singles and a couple sets of Twins Grimm. Just very very grim. I mean, they might survive, but even if they do, they're going to smell…
Have you ever been invited to a party you really REALLY didn't want to go to? Like, you won't know very many people, you're not sure how to dress for it, and the atmosphere is toxic? But you're being frog-marched by an army of ants onto an away ship, so you don't really have a choice, and you're sure the chances of getting anything decent to eat are hovering at slightly below zero? Yeah, well,…
Brought to you by the team that brought you Wolf 359, you know it's going to be good. Faith Adler has crossed the country to spend the summer in NYC. There she meets David, and the two of them quickly get mired in ... something. It's complicated. Together with friends Tori, Matt, and Ginah, Faith and David navigate situationships, friendships, found family, and all the messiness of being young.…
I'M SORRY, WHAT? HANG ON, LET ME GET TO A QUIETER PLACE, JUST A SECOND.... Phew. That's better. Things have gone bananarama aboard the Oz 9, and the crew has spent the last few hours trying not to get dysentery or squashed crossing a digital freeway. A few folks are hanging out in Meanwhile, which is basically a Narrators' Neverland with a few extra lost boys, and someone keeps trying to stick a…
To everyone who responded to our blurb writer last time, they've been sacked. I mean ... does this look like message-in-a-bottle time? Using our show notes to get attention and complain about your job.... Seriously, we've no time for whingers 'round here- HA! April fool. Still me. It was lovely seeing some of you on the socials. I'd print out your comments, only I don't have a printer and the…
If you haven't yet discovered the podcast How I Died, you are in for a treat! A ghoulish, scary, maybe-listen-with-a-friend "treat," but yeah, a treat nonetheless! How I Died follows the story of forensic pathologist (NOT coroner) Jon Spacer. New to the oddly fatal place to live, Springfield, Dr. Spacer has an interesting super power: he can talk with the dead. Actually, that's not that…
Once upon a time, there was a blurb writer who dreamed of the back of book jackets or maybe even the inside front flap, or the little bit of copy under the picture in a catalog, or a word or two like "stunning!" or "ribald!" on a film poster, oooo ooooo, maybe even on the inside first few pages of a novel, somewhere just under Kirkus Reviews.... But no. Instead that blurb writer does...this. Gives…
Oooof, who cranked up the gravity? Feels heavy in here.... It's spring in the bioswamp, as much as it can ever be "spring" in space. Things are flowering, other things are ... I dunno, fauna-ing? Whatever the case, it's a bit rude round there, so maybe don't take the kids in for another month or so. And NO, I am not tearing up, I'm in the bioswamp in spring, these are allergies , for crying out…
It's a Wednesday eve as I write this, and as I look out the porthole into the infinite recesses of space, I'm reminded how very small each of us is against the backdrop of eternity. Given how very very minute we are and how eternal space is, I have to wonder, how the actual f^&* is a crew member from the Oz 14 floating past my porthole just as I look out? I mean... what are the chances?! Nearly…
Hey, Space Monkeys. Have you ever wondered what happened to the earth Oz 9 left behind? I mean, I’m not saying we CAUSED the zombie apocalypse, but the math works out. (Sorry, Sweden) 150 years ago, the zombie apocalypse apocalypted all over the globe, and now there’s robots and zombies trying to wipe out what’s left of humanity. Cali, a settlement scout, has big dreams but scarce resources who’s…
-s the 1983 winner of the -nnu-l Dip your mittens contest, i -pplaud the l-rson brothers for their -m--ng skill -nd dedic-tion to the g-me. you've been listening to; pete B-rry as Bob Tim Sherburn -s Colin -nd Emily Bonnie Br-ntley -s Donn- -nd jessie D-vid S De-r -s Dr Theo Brom-e -nd Tiberius Eric perry -s joe, Dr von h-ber -et-er, mr Southers, -nd how-rd kevin h-ll -s Greg -nd Felonius Chrisi…
So.... please take a close look at the episode art and tell me if you see anything funny? Mmmmm hmmmmmm. Apparently it took us a YEAR to notice. I blame all of you, frankly. You know what you did. You’ve been listening to: Pete Barry as Bob Tim Sherburn as Colin and Emily Bonnie Brantley as Donna David S Dear as Dr. Theo Bromae and Tiberius Eric Perry as Howard, Joe, and Mr Southers Kevin Hall as…
It may not sound like it in the podcast, but life aboard the Oz 9 can be pretty boring at times. In the hiatuses (hiatusi?) between hair-on-fire moments, there's a lot of just puttering about in the inky void without much to do. So, we've been creating a game to while away the hours between crises. In this conversation, you'll hear us wittering on about this game and what it might eventually look…
NOTE: Stay tuned after the credits and all, for a trailer of a great new show: A Paladin's Bargain. You can listen to it in the usual places. You'll want to. Thanks as ever to Lucas Elliott for the new Narrators (or, Narrator and Tour Guide) artwork! It's Christmas eve as we publish this, and all of us monkeys wish all of you monkeys a very happy holiday season. We're hanging stockings over here…
YOU have a dirty mind. "Satan's Boletes" doesn't mean *THAT*. Although it does translate to "Great Satan's Fun Guys," so maybe it's still worth a giggle, as Mrs S says. Welcome to episode 104. Please put your tray tables and seat backs in the upright, we're-all-going-to-die position, because, well, it's Oz 9, and as usual, everything is trying to kill you. Let's just say our sound designer,…
Oz 9 recently turned six, and while most of the crew asked for a quick and painless death for their birthday wish, we're still here. (If you want to give us a prezzie, we do have a Patreon , just sayin'.....) Anyway, there are fun things that happen in this episode, which is odd, so you probably don't want to miss it. Bring confetti. But don't throw it because it REALLY makes Joe nuts. You've been…
Some old nemesisisisisisises have reappeared, and that's ... unfortunate. But at least Bob has some colourful brochures to distract our team from their impending doom. So.... how many oceans is "too many," do you reckon? You've been listening to... Kevin Hall as Greg and Felonius Sarah Rhea Warner as Pipistrelle Bonnie Brantley as Jessie and Donna Eric Perry as Dr. von Haber Zetzer, Mr. Southers,…
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Do you have ANY IDEA the literally dozens of hours you've wasted with this bunch of smooth-shelled walnuts? (and yes, that's a reference to their brains, I just couldn't quite make it work the way I wanted). I mean, it's probably not enough time to cure cancer or invent a really good cable organizing system, but you could have latch hooked a really nice rug by now, or made a…
What would you do if you woke up on a newly terraformed planet (besides die of shock if you were on the Oz 9) to discover your husband has taken over Sanctuary city and rules with what can best be described as an iron fist? Did humans escape the frying pan of Earth only to find themselves in Mars' fire? This sounds amazing, and with Lily Rabe from American Horror Story at the helm, you know it's…
While Oz 9 is on hiatus (or "in hiding for tax purposes"), it's a great time to discover some new podcasts to binge. So if you're looking to adopt your next best friend, we've got you, fam. Madison On the Air is a "love letter to olde-tyme radio." Madison is a modern-day influencer who gets mysteriously yoiked back in time and shows up in some old time radio episodes. She brings her own modern…
You're in the Oz 9 void — no new episodes until, what, Halloween or something? It's cruel, we know. We hear your howls of despair. But wait! We have something for you, to fill those long, lonely hours without Once-Captain Jessie, Colin, Mrs Sheffield, Greg, or Joe ( Jesus! ). Yes. We got you a hiatus prezzie, and we think you're really going to like it. If you're not already familiar with Curious…
Well, ain't this a kick in the underpants? No one would have believed, on that random Tuesday in 2142, that the Oz 9 would still be kicking (mumble) months later. And yet, as we stare down the barrel of our 100th full episode, well, here we still are, just to the left of Uranus, clueless and shivering in the dark. But isn't that just the human condition, basically? I mean... if we're going to…
Listen up, Space Monkeys! We did the hard work of vetting a very fun new podcast for you, so now all YOU have to do is listen to it. YOU'RE WELCOME. It's Desert Skies , a quirky, comedic, and heartfelt sci-fi podcast about life between this world and the next. The story takes place along the road of a lonely highway at a gas station in the afterlife called Desert Skies Astral Plane Fuel and…
With the end of Season 5 just .... an indeterminate time but probably about two weeks away, the eternal Tuesday of the spotless (thanks to Joe) 9 is getting darker, scarier, and downright rude. We hope you'll join us (though in good conscience we can't recommend it) as we spin and flip and spiral out of control toward the last episode of this season. Bring lozenges — there's gonna be a lot of…
It's time to check under the bed, make sure the closet doors are firmly shut, tuck any clown toys in your siblings' rooms or the freezer, and crank up the nightlight — things are getting spooky on the Oz 9. "Something is coming," and it's probably not bearing ice cream or prezzies. The crew of the 9 are in trouble, and though this is no big surprise, it is nearly the end of the season, so you…
So, a few things to discuss here. Basically, don't do ANYTHING you hear in this episode. So, I guess there's really only one thing to discuss. Never mind. Some warnings: sounds of person drowning. Some painful but non-lethal punching. There are no credits on this episode, so I'mma do them here. You've been listening to: Tim Sherburn as Colin and Emily Bonnie Brantley as Jessie Eric Perry as Howard…
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. Have you ever met a Kestochalian? Actually, you might have. They're sort of lovely, except when you want to thump them on the snoot. Which, to be fair, is true of a lot of living things. Also my computer. Which, if it had a snoot, would have been thoroughly thumped on today. ANYWAY, we made something for you, and if you've ever made a huge Sunday meal, this is kind…
Olivia frequently just gets bored watching the crew of the Oz 9 tangle themselves up in disasters of their own making, and lately she's been downloading podcasts to listen to. She recently stumbled across The Sprouting, a show about battling plants (wait for it) .... cleverly. And she liked it. Like ... a lot. She doesn't like ANYTHING, so we're all a bit shocked over here. Please take a listen to…
Well, cue the sultry saxophone and the wire-brushed cymbals, we're back for part II of our "noir" wormhole. We had high hopes for this one (as in, high hopes everyone would get shot and this nightmare would finally be at an end), but we're only down a tour guide, and even he just seems to have wandered off. Goldipants Detective Agency is hot on the heels of Red (aka Colin Smith aka Horace…
It's a quiet night on the mean streets of ... uhhhhh ... doesn't matter. And it's not that quiet, either. Lemme start this again. It's a Tuesday night, and the Oz 9 has slipped into yet another wormhole. But it's OK. This one comes with hats. You've been listening to: Lee Shackleford as Pluto Sarah Golding as Mrs Sheffield Bonnie Brantley as Donna David S. Dear as Dr. Theo Bromae Tim Sherburn as…
It's part 2 of this, and then I swear, we're finished and you can go back to just suspecting how pretentious we are rather than having the receipts. We know Feb 14 can be a bit rough for some, so we wanted to give you the subtle sounds of barfing fairies to help you get through the day. Just know, we love your goofy, kooky self ALL days of the year. You've been listening to: David S Dear as Dr.…
As Narrator 2 says in this episode, "English majors must perforce English maj," so here's the episode you've all been dreading: the Fakespeare. Come on, stop whining, you knew it was coming. If you're not familiar with A Midsummer Night's Dream , well, there are lots of really excellent versions out there. We prefer you NOT listen to those, however, as that's going to make this seem even more…
This episode... it fought back, I tell you what. But we finally wrangled it into some sort of shape. I'mma go with "parallelogram," because it looks like it's about to fall over, but it's a shape, anyway. We meant to get this out when we were still in the throes of the holiday season, but hey, it's Winnie the Pooh Day, and I reckon that's worth celebrating. It's also National Michigan day,…
It's episode 90! And that's the best thing we can say about it. There's a lot of sampling of condiments. Word of warning: don't get between (former) Cpt. Jessie and the cheese sauce, or lives may be lost. Also, we found a crate of "blight piston bottles." Anyone know what those are good for? You've been listening to: Sarah Golding as Mrs Sheffield Bonnie Brantley as former Captain Jessie and Lady…
It's nearly Christmas as I type this, and I'm bah humbugging like your least favorite neighbor, but throwing out an episode of Oz 9 always makes me happy. I like making the world just a little bit goofier and more confusing. We have some additions to our ship today, and they are stupid cute in the manner of those "got my kid a puppy" videos that are all over the socials, only these might make you…
It's Thanksgiving, Oz 9 style, which means the only thing anyone has to be grateful for is surviving it. If you've ever wondered about the origin of stuffing, well, we have a theory for you. Also, were you aware you speak fluent Klep? It's true. And you didn't even have to practice. Take THAT, Duolingo. You've been listening to: Bonnie Brantley as Jessie, Donna, and Daisy Eric Perry as Joe and Jay…
We turned five years old yesterday. The podcast, I mean — Oz 9 just turned 5. How we've lasted that long, we have no idea, but we suspect it has something to do with the fact that everyone is slightly fried from the pandemic and not giving real life 100% of their attention just now. And that's cool. Real life can be a bit of a turd on a hot plate now and again, so suspending reality right…
