The joys of getting older

TODAY I TURN 50. Five zero. I know Aaliyah said Age Ain’t Nothin’ But A Number, but this number is kinda big. It will take some getting used to. Especially because everyone keeps telling me I look like I’m in my 30s (my favourite so far was at my birthday karaoke bash last Friday: “You look like you’re 12 with a moustache!”). The grass is always greener though, as they say. Many people my age want to look younger. Me, I want to look older. I want the respect that my life experience demands; I often feel like I don’t get taken seriously. I won’t complain though (even though I kinda am).

In the years approaching this milestone birthday I’ve done a lot of reflecting. I’m a reflective person by nature but this reflecting has been more poignant. It’s been an acknowledgment that I’m entering the declining years of my life, like I’ve reached the mountain summit and will start my descent. It’s a sobering thought. It’s motivation to consider how I want to be in this next stage of life. This isn’t to say, though, that personal growth will decline. I plan to keep learning and growing until the end.

Outsiderness was very much a part of this. Even though I didn’t know it when I started the project, I needed to face a big demon: shame. Shame of being Filipino, shame of being brown in a white-dominated world. Making my documentary was a transformative experience and I came out the other end not only having shed this shame, but with a growing pride of where I come from. That pride led to my first tattoo, another experience I decided I wanted while I was on this planet.

I used to be in an acoustic folk, harmony-driven band for several years. I’m OK with my singing, but I recently decided to more proactively work on my voice. I’ve found a really great online course run by someone I really resonate with, and there’s a community. In the few weeks I’ve been part of it I’ve already seen big leaps in my singing. The biggest thing for me is exploring my voice. Having sung gentle acoustic songs, I really want to rock out and belt out some tunes. As someone who has always been on the quiet and introverted side, I think this also translates to my daily life. More confidence, more assertiveness, less fucks to give (which is a great part of getting older). Speaking of less fucks, here’s me singing You Spin Me Right Round at my birthday karaoke party over the weekend. It was a total blast!

So, happy 50th birthday to me. Here’s to learning and growing.