Let's be brutally honest for a moment. In a world that's perpetually shouting at us to "be yourself," "do you," and "own your truth," has you found that sort of thing just… isn't that simple? I certainly haven't.
In fact, at times I’ve found myself performing, adapting, or strategically bending to fit whatever persona I thought would get me the path of least resistance. It's an exhausting negotiation with who we think we should be, versus who we actually are.
When authenticity coach Kat John came on my podcast Better Than Yesterday out chat felt like a much-needed, albeit uncomfortable, balm for my soul. Kat, author of the new book Authentic: Coming Home to Your True Self, isn't just talking the talk; she's lived the walk, and has a no-holds-barred, zero-fucks-given boogie on the socials to prove it. She's here to tell us that authenticity isn't some mystical destination; it's a messy, ongoing dance. And trust me, there are times we all feel like we're tripping over our own feet.
Along my own journey with mental health, I’ve always found relief in action. Give me something positive to do, and I’ll start to feel better. Knowing which tool to call on is of critical importance to navigate those "getting worse" moments. And while the world doles out advice like free samples at Costco (including me, my new book “So What, Now What?” is out now), the most obvious and common advice – "just be yourself" – often feels like the most opaque.
With a voice radiating the very ease Kat describes abundance as, "To be relaxed in yourself, to be at ease within yourself." She recalls walking into rooms, her gut tight, jaw clenched, holding her breath, thinking, "Why am I doing that? Why do I think that I need to... put on some kind of unnatural persona that might get me more likes, that might get me more fit-ins, that might get me chosen here, there or wherever?" I know I’m not alone when I say that I recognise that feeling a little too well. That desperate scramble to be enough by being more of something you're not.
The Persona Playbook: Work, Love, and Lingering Doubts
In a work context, Kat nails it. That little voice – let's call it the Ego's Imposter Syndrome – whispers, "You better be funny. You better make them laugh. You better be intelligent." The pressure to deliver, to impress, to be seen as "the smart one" who reels off Google-sourced facts in a meeting, becomes overwhelming. Reflecting on past performances, Kat asks, "Where was I in that? I wasn't there. I was putting on something that I felt I needed to do in order to fill in the blank."
When it comes to relationships, oh relatable this conversation was. Kat confessed that before meeting her now-husband, she would "basically bury my relaxed, authentic self 10 feet under." If a date liked sports, she liked sports. If they went fishing, she loved fishing. This reminded me of Coming to America: "What is your favorite food? Whatever you like!" While I’ve never Googled soccer teams while a date was in the toilet, just to appear clued-in like Kat has, I’ve come close. Doing things like that isn't just about getting a second date; it's about a deep-seated fear. "My deep, deep, dark, wonderful belief underneath that loves to mess with me is “you're unlovable. As you are, you're unlovable."”
Let me be clear, there's a certain amount of "inauthenticity" that's undeniably propelled my own career. I’d confidently say "Yes, of course I'll see you Monday!", then spend the entire weekend cramming to learn a new piece of software. It’s the "fake it 'til you make it" mantra in action. But Kat makes a crucial distinction: "Sometimes our personalities that get us into places and spaces and meetings, they can be used for good… It's when it starts to dominate their life, where they then keep chasing that at the expense of whatever that might be." That's when the mask starts to fuse to your face.
The Body Knows Best
So, how do we spot this insidious shift? Kat points to body awareness as our internal compass. "If I'm holding my stomach or if I'm feeling really tight in my chest, if I'm only breathing in the upper area of my chest and not deep into my belly, or if I'm clenching my jaw, if my shoulders are really tight," she says, "that's a really beautiful indicator of, hey, something might be going on here." Your gut literally tells you.
Another massive clue is energy. If you walk into something buzzing and come out "ruined," "spent," and with "none of me left intact," you've likely over-extended your authentic self. The energy drain is a loud siren.
To identify the underlying story, Kat recommends an "ego clearing exercise" – her version of an emotional iceberg dive. It asks: What's the situation? What are your thoughts? What are you making this mean about yourself? This is where the ugly stuff lives, like "as I am, I'm not enough." Then, the crucial question: "What's my true next best step? Or what's my truth? Or where would I rather place my focus?"
Listen to the full episode here.
Embracing the "Forever Dance" (Even the Angry Bits)
Kat’s profound insight is that anger and upset aren't inauthentic. They're part of the human experience. In the often saccharine world of self-help, there's a pressure to be "better, better, better," to be a "farting unicorn rainbow." But as Kat reminds us, "You wrote a book on authenticity. Like how come you're still an angry little b****? Because I'm fricking human."
This is what she calls the "forever dance." One moment you're soaring, aligned, and then someone cuts you off in traffic. Your partner gives you "a funny look." Your kids are "a little bit more noisy." And just like that, you're not feeling so ace. "That is the dance of being human where we move from and in and out of authenticity," Kat observes. "There are layers to it, there are levels to it, there's a sliding scale of it."
The key, of course, is safe expression. Whether it's boxing, running, screaming into a pillow, or as I discovered, hitting the road on my electric Harley Davidson with some terrifying Australian hardcore EDM from 1995 (sounds like a belt sander, and oddly therapeutic when an Audi Q7 cuts you off).
As a former nurse in a cardiothoracic ward, Kat frequently witnessed men in their 40s and 50s, post-heart attack, and on Day Four they would have some kind of a breakdown. "What have I done with my life? Why have I worked so hard? I miss my family. I should have taken that holiday with them." It's the stark reality of The Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware, where "I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me" is a recurring theme. You don't hear, "I wish I scrolled through my phone more."
It’s easy to deny these internal truths until you hit bottom. Kat recounted her own journey: "Back then I was out partying. I was out taking a lot of drugs, running away from my past, running away from whatever hurt internally." Chronic pain, reliance on medication, and being told she'd "just have to manage this for the rest of my life" pushed her to a critical turning point. "F*** that," she remembers saying. "I will not accept this. I won't accept this from myself... I must find another way." I experienced a similar furious determination when confronted with my own mental health prognosis.
Kat's story, like so many others, highlights that sometimes, you truly do have to be brought to your knees. And in my case, to understand that I was the reason I was down there. Only then, when you're doing the work for yourself and no one else, does any of it actually work.
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