As Mr. Wickham and the Gardiners waited to be received at Longbourn, the eloquent young soldier entertained his elders with his grievances. The pleasantries of introduction had revealed Mrs. Gardiner’s childhood acquaintance with Pemberly, including memories of the elder messers Darcy and Wickham, as well as, randomly, Mr. Snout's fantastic mother, Oinky.
“Oh yes!” Mrs. Gardiner perked up at the name, “Oinky! The Famous Sow Who Wedded A Man!”
“And what a man! One of the best men who ever breathed–”
Mr. Wickham devoured Mrs. Gardiner’s anecdotes, annotating each recollection with details of how he had been inconvenienced or wronged; he made a particularly rich meal of his denied livelihood. He concluded his familiar song of woe, hitting his final note of “I could be the English Pope by now! Au revoir, Papacy. Au saboteur, Darcy.” As the brownish doors–my, were they brown!–of Longbourn finally opened, Wickham scurried in to find Emmy, leaving Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner in silent astonishment.
“I say– that man’s charm is rather–and forgive me if you disagree, darling–obfuscatory.”
“I do not disagree, Mr. Gardiner,” Mrs. Gardiner replied, “if ‘obfuscatory’ means ‘idiot’.”
“It does not, baby.”
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