Budget Speech of a Broke Man

Mr. Speaker Sir (the mirror has been very supportive this quarter)

I rise to present the budget for the financial year that began on the 3rd and ended on if we are being truthful in this House on the 4th.Because I’m my own accountant.

On revenue. We had projected a healthy inflow from a client in Westlands who looked me in the eye and said, “Nitakusort by Friday.” Mr. Speaker, Friday came.Friday has since married, relocated to Syokimau, and started a family. Our confirmed revenue therefore stands at forty bob, plus one coin recovered from under the bed which, upon further audit, turned out to be a bottle top.

On expenditure. Sweeping cuts have been effected.

The Ministry of Meat is hereby dissolved and its functions transferred to the Ministry of Ndengu. Ndengu is the only member of this household that has never let me down plus chapati. Sukuma wiki is elevated to the status of strategic national reserve of the Mama mboga. The Department of Bread has been merged with the Department of Prayer, and both now report directly to my mother, who sent me a photo of her farm in ushagocaptioned “kuja ushike jembe.”

On transport. The transport docket has been abolished entirely. All journeys shall henceforth be conducted by legs ukipenda footsubishi. Ngara to town is no longer a distance. Nduthi guys who shout at me from the roadside will continue to receive the official government position, which is a small wave and the words “in 6 months time.”

On foreign relations. We have recalled our ambassador to Kevo. Kevo has owed this administration two thousand shillings since January and last week posted himself at a resort in Naivasha with the caption “grateful.” Sanctions have been imposed. The sanctions are that I now leave him on “typing...” for eleven minutes before replying “Mbwa wewe”

Warmer relations continue with my aunt in Rongai. Dinner diplomacy remains our most reliable foreign policy tool. I arrive at 7:40 p.m., I say “nilikuwa napitia tu,” and I stay for a plate the size of a small county.

On public debt. Fuliza now knows me better than my own mother. The lending apps have started addressing me by my first name, which is emotionally confusing. There is also a gentleman in the neighbourhood called Baba Mercy who lends money and smiles with too many teeth for a man in that line of work. This House recommends we avoid Baba Mercy’s side of the road.

On health. The gym membership has been terminated and rebranded as intermittent fasting which I am reliably informed is extremely fashionable in Karen. What is poverty in Pipeline is wellness in Lavington. Same hunger, different marketing budget.

On communications. Bundles have been suspended. The House has entered a digital detox. The neighbour’s network “Router Thuruari” remains a matter of national security, and negotiations are conducted nightly while standing very close to the wall in a specific corner near the window.

On the development agenda. Our long term plan remains the chicken or the egg.

Mr. Speaker, this budget is lean and this budget is due for revision the moment anyone deposits anything.

God bless me. God bless the ndengu.

I thank you.
Mashallah