In the weeds.

In the weeds? Yes. Imagine a swamp. The air is thick. There’s an unpleasant stench in the air. You’re up to your knees in thick, sludgy water. Sharp weeds and twisting plants brush against your forearms as you wade, unendingly, towards the edge. Except, imagine this swamp is made up of all of the unfinished projects in the back of your brain, the social media posts you doom scroll past that remind you of everything you haven’t achieved, the hobbies you keep trying to turn into business ideas because that is what overachievers do, and the hundreds and thousands of thoughts and plans and phrases and ‘I must add that to my notes section’s and wishes and dreams and ambitions that swirl and swirl in your mind until you find yourself… stuck. Here, in the weeds.

It’s rather unpleasant, and yet, I have somehow made a home here in the last few months. Not by choice, I should add. More like the landlord of my well-balanced and calm mind has booted me out (should I expect anything less?) and I somehow ended up here before I knew it. I can’t say it’s comfortable, nor is it particularly homely. But it’s somehow the place I’ve found myself over and over again throughout my adult life.

We all know this place innately, though it’ll feel differently for all of us. For me, it’s like a wasp is rattling around my thoughts, settling nowhere in case I get too attached to an idea. The plans and scenarios flicker through my head, like a really strange movie, until I become so confused by the choices to make that I need to take an hour to lie down with a cup of tea and an episode of MAFS UK. For you, it could be a complete grinding to a halt, as the cogs in your brain cannot find their way around the big ideas that are filling it.

Maybe it comes from being a Type A, overachiever at school, or maybe I never grew out of my ‘dream bigger’ teenage phase, like everyone else. But ultimately, this need to achieve something tremendous, to be seen to be successful, to fulfil my dreams, all objectives that have momentum at their core, have put me at a total standstill. I don’t feel like I can do it.

And this is why I am here, on my Substack, for the first time in months, taking a tiny baby-step forward within the swamp. Because I have lots of dreams, one of which is to write. To write a novel, a one-woman show, a musical, an album, another EP. So many things that I want to put into the world and, after the 18 months I’ve had, I’ve found that I was struggling for what to say. And so, here I am, at my laptop just… finding it out as I go.

Because when we get comfortable with our discomfort, when we really start to live there, we forget where we were going in the first place. Whether it’s feeling silenced for months and months on end, or feeling paralysed by making the wrong choice, the lack of movement, the lack of creation, the lack of just saying or being what we want, can cause us to totally lose track. And I don’t think I’m happy being lost anymore.

There is no doubt about it, and we need to say it as it is. Name it and own it. I am overwhelmed. But what a privilege to have that fire and energy burning inside, that refuses to go out even when it’s been ignored for so long. A call that says we all deserve to move forward. So here’s to taking the first steps.

For you, this could be something as simple as:

• Making the phone call

• Writing that subtack post

• Recording that tune in your head to your voice memos

• Bringing your notepad in your bag, so you can write your ideas at a moments notice

• Answering the text message

• Taking a sketchpad to the park on a walk

• Choosing to take pictures of things that make you smile

Or this could be bigger. Maybe you leave the job, or write the first chapter of your memoir, or book the studio space, or tell that person how you really feel about them.

Whatever step you take, big or small, do it with pride. We’re not standing still anymore. We’re not stuck in the weeds.