into the journal: amaris cruz-guerrero

This interview series examines how and why people journal, because no two practices are identical. Appreciating the journal as an inner world.

If you have a journaling practice that you’d like to share about here, email me at evapberezovsky(at)gmail(dot)com.

Hello! My name is Amaris Cruz-Guerrero and I am an illustrator, dancer, and writer based in Miami, FL.

When I am not writing, I am taking care of caterpillars in my garden, at the ballet studio, or volunteering at a horse sanctuary near my home.

You can find me at @libelulaumbrata on Instagram and palomadepunalada.substack.com.

I began journaling at the age of nine in a diary that was pink and covered in sparkles. I’d been interested in depicting my inner world since I was even younger, though, through creating comics on homemade booklets I used to assemble out of newsprint.

As someone who was really shy and quiet growing up, having a diary was my place of refuge. I particularly remember writing and drawing in my diary during free time in middle school. My middle school diaries are my most precious — they capture the first time I truly integrated memory and imagination. I have religiously kept journals since then and still have them stored to this day.

I’ve always felt connected to the intimacy implied by the term “diary.”

Looking back, I think I began journaling to feel autonomy. It was my personal space, which I really needed as a young girl. My diaries from my younger years were full of imaginative, dramatic text. Entries were surprisingly spiritual at times.

Now, I write as a practice of attention — to feel more connected to myself and the world around me, to be more comfortable with ambiguity, to record this small and precious life that is mine. It is like prayer to me.

I write to keep my handwriting alive, too. One of the most beloved artifacts I have are pages of my grandmothers’ and my father’s handwriting. I have so many memories of my father training my hand. I love looking back at my own calligraphy and deciphering its passion and expression.

Journaling is also a tool for memory, and mine can be quite fragile. I’ve spent my entire life trying to reconstruct and recollect my family’s history, which has fueled an obsession with memory and preservation in general.

Lastly, since I spend a lot of time working on ideas and projects, my journals are also for researching and writing notes.

I write day and night.

I really love to write morning pages immediately upon waking up, which happens early, usually before the sun comes out. I light a candle or two, open the window, and sit at my desk.

I love the predawn darkness, the sounds of roosters and birds waking up with me. If it’s before the summer solstice and the sun comes out sooner, I write outside in my garden. Light — whether from the candle or sun — is always an invitation.

Sometimes I write one page, sometimes five. I tend to write these stream-of-consciousness passages in some thin, rudimentary journals that fill up quite easily and are inexpensive.

I write in my diary later in the day, anywhere and everywhere, after thoughts have steeped. I have a very different relationship to the world at night.

I’ve used all sorts of journals throughout my life, but I’ve been pretty consistent for the past couple of years.

Morning pages: Simple kraft notebooks in different colors. Some are coffee-stained, water-warped, paw-printed… it’s all part of the glamour.

Diary: A classic hardcover Moleskine, plain so I can focus on handwriting. Sometimes I draw in it. I’ve gone through at least four diaries in green.

Everywhere notebook: A small red pocket notebook that comes with me everywhere. It has notes, lists, quotes, chess tips, dance routines, vocabulary, books I want to read.

Research/academic: Moleskine Cahier kraft notebooks (7.5” x 9.75”). They come in sets of three, they’re simple, and I love how they stack on each other.

Sketchbooks: I’ve gone through many types over the years, but right now I rotate between a flat square mixed-media pad and a rectangular watercolor sketchbook that fits in any of my purses.

My favorite writing instrument is a sharpened No. 2 Ticonderoga pencil. I leave them around the house like breadcrumbs. I mostly use them for jotting down ideas, drafting, and researching. Yellow pencils need to make a comeback! I think they’re perfect.

I’ll also use whatever black pen is around to write in my diary. I think the stationery craze is super fun, and I love seeing other people’s writing utensils, but for me, I like keeping it simple. I’ve used the Pilot G2 and BIC black pens, but I find myself enjoying rollerball pens most.

I don’t really return to old entries. At least a couple of years would need to pass before I’m interested in looking back. But recently, I collected my grade school diaries from my mom’s house. This was the first time I had read them in fifteen or more years.

From a pocket/everywhere notebook:

St. Francis of Assisi ← → St. Thomas Aquinas → ← G.K. Chesterton

Iris Murdoch → John O’Donohue → Meister Eckhart

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Coatlicue, Lady Elere / cleansing-vulture / manner of love / from the most primitive cell ancient / Tlazolteotl / wings of a dark butterfly / Mexican Saint Sebastian / Xipe Totec

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Make rice water and rosemary spray for hair

I love looking at Toni Morrison’s handwritten yellow notes. They bring me a deep sense of comfort. I keep a small photo of her at her desk on mine. My favorite diary of all time belongs to Frida Kahlo, and it lives on my nightstand.

@evaberezovsky
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evapberezovsky(at)gmail(dot)com
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