A Friendly Warning from Your FBI

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Dearest Arlene,

We have learned of your letter sent six (6) months ago to the Secretary of Homeland Security (DHS) criticizing her leadership of the department. We’re not angry. Just disappointed. Also a little impressed, but more on that in a tiny bit. First, however, judging from the pace at which the current administration is moving away from due process, habeas corpus, the first (1^st), fourth (4^th), and fourteenth (14^th) amendments, and similar constitutional niceties, such disappointing behavior won’t much longer be tolerated. Can’t say we didn’t warn you. Because this is a friendly warning. So consider yourself warned!

As we’re sure you’re aware, the Secretary has since resigned. Your prediction that her career as Secretary would end in disgrace has become reality. Would it be too intrusive to ask how you knew this would happen? Don’t write to us with your answer. We will be paying you a friendly visit to inquire in person within ten (10) business days of your receipt of this warning. The visit is a complimentary addendum to the warning and requires no action on your part. Friendly, right? We aim to please!

However, we do request you prepare for our visit with answers to the following:

What made you believe the Secretary was an inadequate mother or “unfit to whelp a colony of dumpster rats?” (This question in no way represents confirmation that she tried and failed to raise a vermin community in a rubbish receptacle.)

Aside from her “inflated lips,” which specific parts of her face and body strike you as “obviously” altered by “botched” surgical enhancement procedures?

Do you have evidence that her “cooch” is “rancid?” Did you read it somewhere? If so, in what specific publication?

Not to flog a dead horse, but what led you to the conclusion that she would eventually “resign in disgrace or be fired?” Given that most of the legally questionable actions of members of the current administration have, as you put it, been “committed with nauseating impunity,” why were you so sure the Secretary would be an exception? Was it her being a woman (or, as you wrote, “a shoddy excuse” for one)?

Further, what made you declare the Executive Order signed by President Trump on September 25 (twenty-five) of last year (and others you allude to) were symptoms of “the overweening caprice of a would-be strongman leading us inevitably down the road to fascism?” That has turned out to be a correct assessment. Were you simply guessing? On what did you base your guesses?

Surely your husband’s job as a mid-level accountant wouldn’t have gained him access to classified federal information – and in any case, no offense, he’s a fine man, but he doesn’t strike one as the type to diverge from his humdrum work day to dabble in espionage. (Congratulations, by the way, on the negative result of his biopsy.)

Is it your subscriptions to The New Republic, The Nation, The New Yorker, The New York Review of Books, The New York Times, (what we at the bureau call the N-words!) or The Guardian that has afforded you such perspicacity? Or is it your viewership of PBS and MSNBC? Is it the gossip of that annoying friend of yours, Roberta? What a yenta, that one. The hot takes she pulls out of her ass, unbelievable. (BTW, don’t listen to her, that hair color looks great on you. Honestly, that woman’s social skills are appalling. She shouldn’t be allowed out of the house.)

Or is it the time you spend listening to your local NPR affiliate while driving Pamela and little Stevie to school and extra-curricular activities? Glad to see the improvement in Pamela’s twisted ankle (figure skating might not be her forte). And Stevie’s such a spirited little guy. Who’d imagine he’d take so well to the trampoline?

Stevie’s really into those individual yogurts. The problem is, Pamela has often found he’s gotten to them all by the time she’s even in the mood for one. You might consider a mini fridge with a lock for her room. (She prefers strawberry.) Putting her in charge of yogurt and beverage distribution between her and her brother would help with Stevie’s over-consumption of sodas, too. Just an idea. After all, he is genetically predisposed to diabetes.

The NSA has expressed admiration and envy over your prognostications, despite your having let your children’s yogurt kerfuffle escape your notice. They want to know if they could interest you in a freelance engagement as an analyst. Or perhaps as a psychic. Which brings us to the question, are you psychic?

What other predictions can you make pertaining to our republic’s trend toward authoritarianism? Please be specific and provide dates wherever possible for the advent of particular manifestations of what you call “ham-fisted tyranny, overreach, and outright dictatorship” and “Christo-fascist terrorism.”

What additional insights or foresights do you have about the future failure, embarrassment, disgrace, downfall, collapse, or ignominy of members of the current administration, the departments, units, divisions, informal cliques of prominent actors within it, or the administration as a whole? Please provide specific details. Particularly regarding ignominy.

Your cooperation would be greatly appreciated and could lead the government to waive the option to pursue further action (legal or extra-legal) against you.

See you in ten (10) business days. Don’t worry about informing us of any travel plans or change of address. We’ll know.