The World Cup Coaches' Whole Vibe

A few weeks ago, when the World Cup started, I declared on this blog that the World Cup is entirely a vibes-based endeavor. Two weeks since the start of the tournament, I could not feel more justified. The vibes of the current tournament are pretty great! Safe for a few exceptions (the treatment of the Iranian national team by the United States’ authorities has been disgusting,) everyone is having a great time, except if you’re Uruguay.

So, in honor of the last day of the group stages, I am writing a piece that analyzes the vibe of every coach in the World Cup. Being a World Cup coach is a strange job. You don’t get to create a squad like you would in club soccer. You have to work with the tools you got. In the case of Uruguay, a lot of those players are real tools. Usually, you’re only hired for a four-year cycle, in which your job is to qualify for and perform as well as you can in the World Cup. For many countries, doing a good job means making it out of the group stage. For some, anything but the title is a national shame. For a couple, getting one goal is enough for the nation to build you a statue.

Another funny quirk of the job is that no nation has ever won a World Cup with a foreign coach, so if you’re the best German coach in the world, you have to kinda root for Germany to do poorly under another German coach to do the job. Which is a weird vibe. As such, the world’s best coaches do not tend to take national team jobs until after they’ve been very successful at the club level. And even then, because the standards tend to be so high for nations like France, Germany, Brazil, Argentina, Spain, and England, most great coaches do not take the job! So, bottomline, national team coach is a strange job that pays millions of dollars to the world’s most qualified gym teachers. So let’s meet this year’s make do-ers.

GROUP A

Mexico — Javier Aguirre

Uncle at the wedding when he hears “his jam” come on. He lost his tie four Coronas ago and it’s your Aunt Carmen’s responsibility now.

South Africa - Hugo Broos (Belgian)

Evil Ted Danson or alternatively Bond villain from a minor Roger Moore movie whose whole deal is that he wants to fill the moon with lava.

South Korea - Hong Myung-bo

Guy who is slowly realizing he missed his subway stop.

Czechia - Miroslav Koubek

The world’s happiest bowling ball. He seems like he’s a good hang but at the family dinner will say something super racist toward like… the Polish or something.

GROUP B

Canada — Jesse Marsch (American)

Jesse is nice, but he is 100% your co-worker who does marathons and is judging you for eating the cake in the break room.

Bosnia and Herzegovina — Sergej Barbarez

This is your dad. If you’re like “no, it’s not. My dad is Frank and he lives in Wisonsin.” you are wrong. This is your dad.

Qatar — Julen Lopetegui (Spain)

This man’s whole vibe is boyfriend at the beginning of the romcom who gets dumped in favor of the owner of the local soccer ball shop.

Switzerland — Murat Yakin

Oh god. Creative director at an ad agency that calls itself an “ideas factory.” He has seven different unboxed Nike Airmaxes in his office.

GROUP C

Brazil — Carlo Ancelotti (Italian)

One of the exceptions to the rule that the best coaches don’t coach national teams Carlo Ancelotti, a.k.a. Carletto, has won it all and has worn a three-piece suit while doing it.

That said, in this particular picture below

he looks like a man who you’ve just busted stealing your grandma’s ashes at the wake and who knows he’s going to get away with it.

Morocco — Mohamed Ouahbi

This guy works in IT. He sends you an email every 90 days reminding you to change your company password.

Haiti — Sébastien Migné (French)

This guy’s vibe is Italian taxi driver who is FURIOUS you interrupted his smoke break to ask for a ride.

Scotland — Steve Clarke

Gym teacher who has to wear a button down because the librarian died.

GROUP D

USA — Mauricio Pochettino (Argentine)

Yes, Poch kinda looks like Russell Crowe, but that’s not his current vibe. Poch’s vibe changes based on the country he’s in, but in his current state, Poch is 100% a Midwestern dad. In this picture, he is SO happy his wife ordered the sizzlin’ fajitas.

Paraguay — Gustavo Alfaro (Argentine)

First in our list of Argentine managers coaching South American nations that are not Argentina, Gustavo Alfaro’s whole vibe is despotic leader of a small European nation that wins his elections by 103%.

Australia — Tony Popovic

Look, I’m sure he’s lovely. This is a prison guard in a Mission:Impossible movie.

Tükiye — Vincenzo Montella (Italian)

This is the chemistry teacher who snapped one day and crashed his car into the vice-principal’s.

GROUP E

Germany — Julian Nagelsmann

This is your college friend’s new, serious boyfriend. You don’t get it. You don’t get the appeal. He seems really into tennis, I guess, but he makes her happy, and you know what? That’s all that matters.

Curaçao — Dick Advocaat

It’s tough to have a vibe when your name is Dick Advocaat. It’s already kind of a joke, but ol’ Dick’s whole vibe is uncle who never says much crying at his niece’s college graduation.

He’s just so damn proud of you.

Ivory Coast — Emerse Faé

“That one tiger from Zootopia who would treat me right."

Ecuador — Sebastián Beccacece (Argentine)

Incredible John Early character.

GROUP F

Netherlands — Ronald Koeman

This man looks like a grandma.

Japan — Hajime Moriyasu

Guy from work who goes fuckin’ loco at the holiday party.

Sweden — Graham Potter (English)

Minor Westeros lord who you have to remember even though it’s been like 3 years since the last season of House of the Dragon.

Tunisia — Sabri Lamouchi (French) / Hervé Renard (French)

Here we get a double feature because Tunisia fired Lamouchi after the first game and then hired another French guy!

Sabri Lamouchi’s vibe is dad who’s hitting the online dating apps again.

And Hervé Renard looks like the guy on the cruise waiting to see if you and your husband will do a threesome with him.

GROUP G

Belgium — Rudi García (French)

Every picture of Rudi García looks like he’s just realizing he lost his parking ticket. Don’t believe me? It’s

every

single

one.

Egypt — Hossam Hassan

Unimpressed dad at the tour of the Akropolis.

Iran — Amir Ghalenoei

This guy’s entire vibe is guest at the wedding who keeps making eye contact with you but you don’t remember if you’ve actually met him.

New Zealand — Darren Bazeley (English)

Yeah, this guy fucks.

GROUP H

Spain — Luis de la Fuente

Okay, full disclosure: I don’t like this guy even though he’s very good, but I’m gonna try and be impartial here:

This guy’s whole vibe is senior designer at Apple giving a keynote about how the safari app now is only accessible if you trap three times in the top right corner.

Cape Verde — Bubista

This guy’s full name is Pedro Leitão Brito but goes by Bubista. I know that his nickname is probably not related to boobs, but that’s a great nickname. It sounds like a gentrified way to say “porn actor” or “peeping tom.” Anyway, this guy rules.

Saudi Arabia — Georgios Donis (Greek)

Final boss in a video game about doing your taxes.

Uruguay — Marcelo Bielsa (Argentine)

Another Argentine coaching a South American team. I like Bielsa on paper and then every time I see one of his teams play, I remind myself he is 70 now and that he truly is one of the most influential coaches of all time. His schtick is that he’s no fuss, leftist politics, and no nonsense, which means he never wears a suit. Also it somehow means that he sits on a cooler for most of the game????

Anyway, his vibe is guy who shits with the bathroom door open and then gets mad at you for thinking it’s weird.

GROUP I

France — Didier Deschamps

This is the most French man who has ever existed. He is in every restaurant you’ve been at in Paris downing wine all afternoon. His job is strike. His wife is a cigarette and his mistress is a dog in a beret.

Senegal — Pape Thiaw

The guy at work who you want to be friends with. He’s quiet but has the best playlist. You consider asking him if you can carpool, but he actually is a motorcycle guy. But not in a divorced way.

Iraq — Graham Arnold (Australia)

Sorry to this man but he looks like if RFK Jr. was like 17% less weird looking.

Or!

He looks like if Daniel Craig kept playing Bond until he was 78.

Norway — Stale Solbakken

An egg with the dreamiest eyes.

GROUP J

Argentina — Lionel Scaloni

I can’t explain why but this guys looks to me like if Squidward was a person.

Algeria — Vladimir Petkovic (Swiss-Bosnian)

Mean dad in the soap opera.

Austria — Ralf Ragnick (German)

Look, this guy is really good, but he looks like a boss who would mispronounce my name.

Jordan — Jamal Sellami (Tunisian)

This guy’s a cop. Or like, worse, he’s friends with cops.

Group K

Portugal — Roberto Martínez (Spanish)

I have known about Roberto Martínez and his okay career for almost a decade. I think he is the Jurassic World of managers. He is somehow still around despite never have been that good. All this to say, his vibe is man who is not here to replace your dad. He’s just here to make your mom happy.

DR Congo — Sébastien Desabre (French)

Sébastien Desabre looks like a man in a meeting with HR saying “no, no, it’s not sexual harrassment if I don’t ACTUALLY want to bang her.”

Uzbekistan — Fabio Cannavaro (Italian)

Cannavaro is a 2006 World Cup champ with Italy. This is what he looked like then

His vibe is: your really nice physical therapist.

However, I think he got Turkish hair plugs and now he looks like this,

So now his vibe is uncle who takes you to Dave & Busters.

Colombia — Néstor Lorenzo (Argentine)

Néstor Lorenzo coaches my beloved Colombia, which might explain why he looks like the world’s most distressed vice-principal. I feel like this watching Colombia. I believe in these kids, goddammit! But they scare me!

Group L

England — Thomas Tuchel (German)

A German coaching the English! What will they think of next? Thomas Tuchel looks like a murderer-of-the-week in an episode of SVU about a guy who collects women’s teeth. Sorry, Thomas.

Croatia — Zlatko Dalic

Sorry, Zlatko. Ya face is goofy. You look like what would happen if you asked a computer to make a composite of all the Three Stooges.

Ghana — Carlos Queiroz (Portuguese)

Old man with a chain? RED FLAG. This man’s vibe is atrocious. It’s somewhere between grandfather who goes to raves and club promoter for the mob.

Panama — Thomas Christiansen (Danish-Spanish)

Thomas Christiansen is absolutely your friend’s dad you have a crush on. He thinks you’re such a good influence on Katherine and thinks your mom is just swell. He always remembers your favorite food is fetuccine Alfredo and UGH WHY IS HE STILL MARRIED TO KATHERINE’S DAD?! I HATE HIM?! I LOVE HIM!

Okay, that does it. This was fun for me, but also that’s a lot of coaches. By the time you read this, only 32 of them will remain in the World Cup and many will be fired. But their vibes? Their vibes are eternal!

PS: A thank you to the great Joe Posnanski who shared this blog and my book on his incredible Newsletter! It is an honor to be named by someone who is so good at words. One day I hope to be as good with word as he be to is.