In second grade, when I transferred to a new school, our gym teacher handed out hula hoops to our entire class. Everyone around me picked it up and got to work, swaying their hips as the piece of plastic circled around and around their tiny torsos. They giggled, they beamed, and I stood there frozen, waiting for instructions.
But Mr. Opatz wasn’t giving us a lesson, he was allowing us free time to enjoy something that everyone else had apparently learned to do on their own time, in the privacy of their own home. In the privacy of my own home, I read books and documented my family members’ shortcomings in my journal a la Harriet The Spy. I did not know how to move my body like this, and after a few deeply embarrassing moments of effort, where the hula hoop clattered to the gym floor the moment I let go of it, I gave up.
It was clearly too late for me to catch up to my peers, and it was embarrassing to try. At age 8, I was simply too old to learn a new skill, and I’m sure that child development experts would all agree that the human person is fully developed by second grade and all learning must be done by first grade at the latest.
I don’t want this feeling for my children, but I am tragically not in charge of other people’s feelings, even though it would be better for everyone in the world if I were. I want them to see challenges as opportunities, which is exactly the kind of phrase a gym teacher would have on a poster. I want them to take the path less traveled, while I cheer them on from the path of least resistance, or, as I did this summer, from the shaded patches of various Phoenix-area skate parks.
I bring ice packs, snacks, several water bottles, and a book that I get a few pages into between shouts of “mom, look!” They are learning and trying in public, in front of men (and so far, two women!) 2-5 times their ages who are already really good, and I have seen in both of them a glimmer of embarrassment that they don’t already know how to do something that these men (and so far, two women!) have spent decades practicing. I have also seen them slam their tiny bodies onto the pavement, which I don’t like at all, but is part of the learning process.
It is hard to suck at something, and hard to suck at something in public, but it really is part of the learning process, whether or not it leaves a physical bruise or causes your mother to screech are you okay?!??! from the shaded patch of concrete where ants are literally crawling into her pants. I try to mind my business during these lessons: I pack snacks and water bottles and ice packs, I bring a book and my journal and my planner. But what can I say? Sound travels over large expanses of concrete, and I’m nosy, and their kind-eyed and encouraging coach Miles says the kind of things that I wish I’d heard as a kid.
He doesn’t deny or minimize their fears or trepidations, nor does he let them give into them. When they fall, they get back up. When they almost get something, they try it again.
He tells them that even after decades of doing the things that look easy to him, he still gets nervous. And when he does, he tells himself the same thing over and over again until he’s ready to try again:
This is part of the learning process, too. Remembering that you have done impossible things before, and like it or not, will do them again. So whatever this week brings to you, think of a skinny boy standing on a skateboard that has recently betrayed him. Think of a little girl who didn’t know how to hula hoop. Think of you, trembling at the precipice of whatever you’re facing and know that you can, you have, and you will.
PS — I was supposed to write about how we figured out Matthew’s compensation, etc. when he was a SAHD but I’m not done with that so, next week?
❤️ Our monthly office hours was last Saturday…but we’ll have two more next month for subscribers (August 15 and August 29, 9am PT both days, so save the date!).
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❤️ There’s a huge sale at Ruggable right now (great news for maximalists!). Someday I want a big, cozy house to put this one in. (Code NORA15 still works on anything that’s NOT on sale).
❤️ I’m loyal to The Company Store (my mom worked on the catalogs in the 80s!) — especially their down comforters and quilts — and their semi-annual sale is right now.
❤️ Rounded up my favorite affordable jewelry pieces here and pretty much everything at BaubleBar is 25% off right now, so get your Christmas shopping started!
🎤 I looooove speaking about mental health, grief and other hilarious topics. You can email bkane@apbspeakers.org if you want to bring me to your event or organization.
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