eight ways to fake eight hours of sleep, from insomnia or reckless fun

There’s a funny thing happening on the streets of Paris. We’ve skipped spring, and instead, we are awash in the sticky, sultry days of summer.

It is so hot that even the most elegant Parisians are turning to big hats and little dresses (though the men are, of course, still in long pants) for days spent at Roland Garros watching the French Open or drinking spritzes on terraces. If you live in West Paris, and you’re lucky, you may have a friend who will bring you to Racing, the old money country club with a rare outdoor pool, where your children can work off the mad dog energy that this heat inevitably brings.

This time of year also means the light stays lingering well into the night, far past my Los Angeles bedtime. And even at the hour when we know that we really should tuck in, there’s a tugging towards the halcyon days of youth: one more drink on the terrace, the long way home through the cobblestoned streets, the warmth in the air suggestive of les dangerous liaisons.

This is a problem for the responsible adults among us, and even more so, for those like myself who already suffer from the insomniac’s dilemma.

When I asked OOD readers earlier this year about their best purchase, the pursuit of a good night’s sleep ranked high. As did Phoebe Philo. Both are objects of desire. If I don’t sleep, nothing else really matters. I slog through the day, uninspired, attempting to squeeze out productivity; the humming of my 4 am wakeup has me fixated on when I can catapult into bed and make up my debt.

The only thing worse than not sleeping is perhaps other people noticing that you’re not sleeping.

As I was writing this, I stumbled upon my former coworker (and forever girl crush) jean godfrey june’s story on the three most dreaded words a woman can hear: you look tired.

When I was working at goop, and had a newborn at home, I often walked into an important meeting to have someone tilt their head in concern, uttering the phrase. It makes even the most brilliant people doubt the value of their existence. And it didn’t help that it was true: I was tired.

The only thing worse than not sleeping is perhaps other people noticing that you’re not sleeping.

I fall into bouts of insomnia when life gets hairy, and sometimes even when it doesn’t. I was once told by a psychic that 3 am is when the ghosts and spirits come to visit, and my sleep problem was because I was “a spiritual sponge.”

And, concurrently, I sleep less when I’m having fun. Not the hygge fun of a good book and a hot tea in winter, but the swirly, slightly catastrophic fun of summer, where being young and reckless is a marker of admiration, not calamity.

On my better days, I have a meticulous pre-sleep routine, which includes lavender spray, this mattress, my eight sleep and a brown noise soundtrack. Perhaps this for a treat. And yet, a great night’s sleep can still be evasive. The real clunker, which is much harder to manage, is cortisol (read: stress or anxiety). I have no advice for you in that field, because there is nothing worse than someone telling you to relax. Or to smile.

But, despite the sleep ramifications, I do believe in the value of unraveling our routines a bit in the summer. To let yourself luxuriate in the salty taste of irresponsibility light, of saying yes when we all know better.

So, today, the fake it until you make it guide we actually need: how to confront the world on very little sleep and have no one notice.

EIGHT WAYS TO FAKE EIGHT HOURS OF SLEEP

OH, RACCOON EYES

I think I’ve had dark circles since birth. I imagine that when I came out, at 6.5 lbs, crying and wrinkly, the nurse said she’s so cute but oh dear look at her under eyes.

Which is why, when I’m very very tired, I spend 90% of time on my eyes, and about 10% on the rest of my face.

I start with a hydrating eye patch (these have hyaluronic and niacinamide), which I then follow with eye cream, for a greasy, glazed under eye. And then once it’s soaked in, I dab on a little concealer.

ICE, ICE BABY

I dread this one because I hate the cold, but sadly, it works because cold makes your muscles tighten. I use this one, but really any will do. It lives in the fridge next to the eggs.

A SPIN ON THE COLOR WHEEL

Marisa Meltzer did a great story recently on getting your colors done, which can change your entire relationship to what you wear and the makeup you use. When I haven’t slept, I reach for my uniform, which is usually black. But black is also known to make you look more sallow when you’re tired, so I’ve been attempting a soft color or pattern a la Dries (a good sale selection here to get you inspired). Distraction works too.

LESS IS MORE

I think people tend to layer on makeup when they’re tired, which actually has the opposite effect. Instead, add moisture to the skin via a face oil and water-based moisturizer cocktail. A pump of weekend skin, a good brow, a swipe of lifting mascara and a bit of color is all you need to not look dead. Also, throw that face oil in your bag - a dab of it in the afternoon will liven up your skin and revitalize your makeup.

A SWEAT, A STEAM

I hate when people tell me to work out when I haven’t slept (can you imagine anything worse than slogging through a strength class on three hours of sleep?), but the sad truth is, it does work. If you can’t imagine dragging yourself to the gym, I sometimes fake a sweat with my higher dose blanket or even just a good old fashioned pot of hot water and a quick dry brush (brush up towards the heart, gals). I also use the higher dose as a gym avoidance technique when I’m not tired. It’s a gag that French women will do anything to be skinny except work out, which is probably why I feel at home here.

CLAW YOUR WAY TO THE TOP

Parisians love a claw clip, often bought from one of the little corner shops that stocks a multitude of them, in every color and size you may desire. Pulling your hair back in a half updo highlights the cheekbones, and adds a little undone polish. When I remember, I use a bit of this appropriately named dry shampoo to add texture.

If you’re in New York, pick a clip at Zitomer’s, that elegant bastion of old school pharmacy charm. If you’re more of a click and buy girl, I like these.

GO CHASING WATERFALLS

I reach for coffee on sleep-drained mornings, but what actually does the trick is water. Loads of it. Like chug four cups, preferably warm. Sleep deprivation often overlaps with dehydration, which reduces blood flow, oxygen delivery, and cellular efficiency, which makes you feel even more tired.

LIGHT IT, MIST IT, SPRITZ IT

10 minutes with a red light mask (I like mine because you can multi-task while wearing it). A spray of jasmine mist (or you can use this hyaluronic one for added moisture) lets everything set in.

And there’s a psychological benefit to a good fragrance, a signaling of polish, much needed on an insomniac’s morning.

Image Credits: A vintage Vogue cover; A.F.Vandevorst's debut "The First Collection" for Spring/Summer 1999; Marleen Berkova in Veronique Branquinho for i-D's "Let There Be Flesh," shot by Inez and Vinoodh in May 1999; A photograph by Quentin De Briey from his book, Diary II

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