I'm afraid of moving on. There's a certain paralysis-by-analysis that plagues me, if you can believe it! Even with all the pills I take every morning, I still find myself bereft of a sense of normalcy. How I crave to be normal, man. I know that doesn't really exist, but I guess I more lament my own unique set of differences and challenges. What's new? I think the Lexapro I…
Remember when discourse used to be called rhetoric? Even though those French deconstructionists aptly foresaw its collapse, I still find myself itching for some kind of good argument. No, I don't mean in that "discourse" sense either. There's a clear lack of intelligible thought these days; people want, more than anything, to have the right aesthetic or vibe instead of actually advancing…
Hey man, remember when that 80s nostalgia-wave-core or whatever was really hot back in the 2010s? Like The Midnight, Timecop1983, and all that? Come on, you gotta remember those times, right? It was peak Trump I, now that I think about it. For as weirdly unstable as those times were, I look back on those years fondly, but not because of the political climate or whatever else. No, I was a younger…
A funny way of observing these entries is that they are a daily "weather report" in a certain sense. More established readers are well aware of the patterns in my prose when I'm manic or depressed, and the themes I circle around in these entries. Well, if I had to give today's reading as a certain kind of weather report, I'd venture to say that things are looking mild. As I've…
One can be smart and disabled, you know? I remember as a teenager during the peak of Obama II how the increasing rhetoric of "invisible disability" felt like such a grotesque cop-out. Funnily enough, I used to think depression wasn't real—that the people who said they were suffering from it were making it up for attention. With that shoe now firmly on the other foot, I feel humbled in…
A fun prompt engineering trick for my fellow writers out there: take whatever writing you have, upload it to the model, and give a prompt such as "This is a work of writing by an anonymous writer. Please provide criticisms of the work." These LLMs are designed to be helpful, so of course they're going to glaze your nuts if you give them a prompt written in the first person. But if you tell…
Man, taking that kpin yesterday really helped. Although last night, I made the mistake of drinking too much caffeine in the evening. It's a common mistake for me, especially when I am feeling waves of exhaustion and need to push through them. I went to bed a bit late, but I'm feeling alright this morning. Usually, I feel a heaviness in my chest or heart palpitations—that kind of…
Hey, remember that one time you destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing? Yeah, me neither. I needed a short break from writing since being Professionally Disabled is such busy work, you know. I had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and received some new prescriptions. I'm getting back on Lexapro, mostly because the anxiety has been getting a bit harder to manage. I've been on it…
God does not want your zeal. Well, at least He doesn't want mine, anyway. No, a broken spirit and a contrite heart are just about enough, I suppose. This last weekend was nice, and I finally actually feel over my depressive episode. Glory to God, they've become much milder and easier to deal with. It still sucks to go through it—to deal with the machinations of delusion that my sinful…
Man, I'm exhausted. Last night, I spent a fair portion of the evening alone in my car in this parking lot I frequent. The spot I go to is nestled in a small corner of the strip mall. I like it because it's a bit secluded, mostly private, and the owners of the stores don't seem to mind that I spend so much time there. It's an odd little place; one of the buildings in this lot is…
Having a gun isn't about who you shoot. I woke up this morning feeling not quite depressed anymore, glory to God. This whole week has been a bit of a slog, but I'm glad to be coming out of it at a better angle than when I started. It's nice to think a bit more clearly, to not have the dread from the illness cloud my judgment. Having days where things feel more serene is nice, and…
When I get depressed, it's much easier to forget what matters, usually because of the anguish that comes from it. Sometimes there are triggers, but many times it's nothing; it's just an unpredictable facet of my life—part of my cross to bear, I suppose. I'm glad that my work exists in this archive because it helps me remember all the days I wrote in spite of everything, how no…
One nice thing about being depressed is that it almost feels like I have the luxury to tell God, "No, Lord, turn your back on me. I don't need any favors." Because I'm just so tired and incapable of doing most things, it kind of feels nice to not need a lot. Even if I feel that there's some kind of all-out assault on my mind and body, I can at least rest easy knowing that it'll…
I think the worst kind of writer is not just one who doesn't read, but one who doesn't go out of their way to read good writing. There are many people with blogs or publications who use writing as a means rather than an end . I cannot tell you how many people I've encountered who say something along the lines of, "I want to write because I've got all these ideas in my head and…
When certain albums come to mind, I am instantly transported back to the summer before starting my freshman year of college. Frank Ocean had just dropped Blonde ; not only did I feel myself getting immersed in this seminal moment in music, but it also got me through a rough transition in life. I've written about it already, so I won't go over those details again; however, I think…
I spent most of yesterday asleep, but my body can't keep me from the page for long. No, I'm back here again today, and I have nothing on my mind really—but I still have to write because, well, you know. Some days the flow state kicks in immediately, but today I'm really finding myself grasping for the words. I hate it when I do that, but it's something I have to contend with…
I can't believe I'm this late on reading the Palantir Manifesto , which is a summary of some book Alex Karp published last year. I wasn't going to read that book anyway, and it probably would've made more sense just to post the summary and not the book itself; most big nonfiction books like that don't need to be doing all that. When I was reading through this manifesto, I…
Many things in life can seem cruel or indifferent, but that's just because we can't always recognize the greater things that lie ahead. Today I read about the life of Saint Markella, martyr of Chios . I don't know why I haven't been reading the lives of the saints every single day from the OCA website yet; after all these months as a catechumen, I'd have thought I…
I woke up this morning pissed. I can't tell you exactly why, but the vitriol is flowing through my veins strongly today. Coupled with fatigue and what I think is another onset of a depressive episode, it's difficult to handle. Externally, it's just been another normal morning, but this feeling is something that I can't quite exorcise just yet. Of course, I'm aware that…
After yesterday's difficult confession, I feel somewhat spiritually hungover, weirdly enough. One thing I have trouble coming to grips with is the fact that this website, while I enjoy cataloging my life here, seems to be the only thing truly within my control. In the same way I can remind myself about the power of this kind of thing, I also remind myself of how not-as-significant everyone…
Tell the demons to go fuck themselves by living anyway. Every day is a small, but beautiful act of resistance. Divine Liturgy was great by the way, thanks for asking. I'm writing here this evening under some fatigue, but what's new? I told myself I wasn't going to come here and write today, but I just came up with that sick line and now I have to explain myself, so sorry about that.…
The last few days have been intense, haven't they? Well, thankfully, my personal barometer is reading a bit lower today. Some days, I have a decent idea of what I want to write here and can follow a basic framework, but today is one of those days where I opened up my text editor with no idea what I wanted to write about—so now I get to indulge you with a real-time centering exercise.…
The term "digital native" is so funny to me. I was born in 1998, and while I know nothing of life before the internet, I definitely don't feel "native" to it in the way those stupid sociologists like to describe. Honestly, I feel like something important was stolen from me, and the worst part is that growing up, I had no idea what was even happening. Older tech guys like to talk about those…
Nobody gives a shit how many words you've written. Are they any good? Do they do their job? Quick, someone tell me a line I wrote five months ago. If anyone has put their work into an LLM over the last few years, I'm sure they've received something along the lines of "You're not just blogging; you're building an archive," or something to that effect. Well, at least…
To be loved or feared? I'm reminded of A Bronx Tale yet again—the scene where Calogero asks Sonny whether it's better to be feared or loved. Sonny's response: That's a good question. It's nice to be both, but that's very difficult. If I had my choice, I would rather be feared. Fear lasts longer than love. Friendships that're bought with money mean nothing. You…
Information is pretty overrated, isn't it? In so many ways, it feels like we're really just going around in circles, and the sense of novelty feels more dangerous to me than anything. I keep circling things in my head, and it's basically just the same twelve or so core thoughts spinning in loops over and over again. Sure, the aesthetic details might be different—the people, places,…
Your browser does not support the audio element. After a brief wait , I have finally released the first of TNT. This was a fun project, and while some of the transitions were a bit hacked together, there's a few in there that are genuinely quite awesome. Making a really sick transition between two songs you like is better than sex, I think. Now I have to get off my ass and actually buy that…
I think I need to start doing less shit. Even less than what I've already been doing—can you believe that? I had to surrender Arthur to the shelter yesterday, so that was a hard day. Somehow I made it through to the next morning, weirdly enough. Life has been a tough series of mistakes, usually driven by impulsive actions. Despite my ability to think through things and possess some…
Most salesmen are thieves who steal with their tongues. It doesn't matter if you're a billionaire or some homeless schizophrenic; everyone lives hand-to-mouth. The true act of discernment lies in understanding what hand is feeding you, and learning not to bite it or snatch from it. I was thinking yesterday and this morning about work, and getting down on myself for, you know, not having…
To say that I don't write every day to maintain relevance would be a lie. I do want to stay relevant to my readers, but not for anyone else's sake—only for (You). Thankfully, my site is structured so that those who wish to leave can leave, but those who stay have a lot to stay for. Like I was mentioning yesterday, it is so cheap and easy to write, write, and write; the difference between…
Remember the gaps. I've been getting better at it myself, finding those lovely small glimpses of time where nothing seems to pass; nothing to process, nothing to manifest or build. Those small moments where Nothing Ever Happens—they're so lovely, aren't they? Less than happy, they make me feel comfortable. In the same way I can whine about how there's nowhere to go and nothing…
I find myself becoming a lot less rigid in my prayer life, which to some might sound like a good thing. For me, I don't see it as a bad thing so much as a slightly scary notion; there's a sense of fear in becoming complacent, telling myself, "Oh, I don't have to be so overachieving and zealous with my prayer," and then becoming so entrenched in demonic bullshit that I forget about…
Something I realized from the donation I received yesterday: it's a weekly donation of $1.15, which covers nearly all of my site's yearly operational costs. (Update: I'm stupid, and it's not every week , sorry.) There's a sense of joy in that, but also a deep sense of fear in passing through this milestone. "What now?" I ask myself as I continue down this self-imposed,…
You get to fuck off; I have to fuck off. That was a negative piece of self-talk I had in an internal monologue against the haters who probably don't even exist. What, you don't internally monologue against the haters? You should try it sometime. Anyway, I was reeling against myself like I usually do because I've struggled to accept the increased base of uncertainty I must live…
I've been quite tired lately, and I suspect this is because I haven't taken a midday nap in some time. Even after my morning caffeine dose, I still go about my day with much fatigue, but it's been tough trying to nap because even though I'm tired, I can't sleep. I'll just have to dose up on my Olanzapine tonight and hope for a more restful day tomorrow. I absolutely…
Yesterday, I played trivia at a new bar. I was at this place a few minutes from my house a few weeks ago—in an entertainment district in my town—and was hanging out, doing stuff on my laptop. Across from that bar was another one, and they were hosting trivia. They were already about halfway through the game, so in between rounds, I hopped in and asked the MC for details. "We play every Tuesday…
I have plans for a new project, and I think this one's actually going to stick. However, it'll take a bit of setup on my part, but when I finally get it going, I think you'll really like it. I was considering whether or not I wanted to give it away. Okay, I've considered; I'm going to give it away. Over the last several months, I've enjoyed listening to DJ sets from…
Since I started my job search , the leads I've been using have gone cold. I know I have to send out another wave of applications and make more phone calls, but I've been reconsidering whether I even have the capacity to go back to work. The most prescient fear I face is that of uncertainty; even during extended periods of remission, I fear a time when the stress gets too heavy and I burn…
Divine Liturgy was great today, thanks for asking. I am a small flame, but a flame nonetheless; so are (You). Since I've been home from church, this afternoon has revolved mostly around cleaning the computer room where Arthur is still hiding—spraying with odor-eliminating spray, vacuuming, mopping the floor, and trying to get rid of the smell from his urine marking. He's still a bit…
Yesterday afternoon, I ended up picking up that cat, and it has been a nerve-wracking experience for him and me both. He's a six-year-old domestic shorthair named Arthur, and he is a nice little fella. Of course, rehoming can be a difficult experience for a cat and its new family, and I've been nervous in my efforts to make him feel at home. We have a small computer room in the house…
Your browser does not support the video tag. For the first time in a long time, I have no idea what I want to write about today. Well, my family might be getting a cat soon, but that's a bit too soon to tell at this point. Honestly, it's kind of weird how little I feel like writing today. Things feel fine, but it's strange that I have no big battle to fight in my head. I guess when…
At trivia last night, I didn't pay for any booze or food the whole night. Once my friends had left, I decided to stick around for a quick smoke. After my smoke, I hit the ATM and got $20 so I could tip the bartenders for giving me my free soda. I went to the bartender and got a ten and two fives. I gave the bartender the ten and took my two fives to the slot machine just for shits and…
There really is no light at the end of the tunnel, right? Come on, that's not so bad. The tunnel's pretty nice, you know? Maybe we can pitch a tent here, have some coffee, and chat about tunnel life. That doesn't seem so bad, does it? That was my sad thought of the night before getting to bed, and I thought it was decent enough to put here. Ah well, I'm feeling better after…
Novelty is a real bitch, isn't it? What, you mean like how I can't come up with a better opening tag? Or the fact I use opening tags at all? Come on man, I'm trying to make art here. Anyway, having small moments (three-hour stretches) of sadness is a weird thing. I find it almost amusing at this point how things can change internally at the drop of a hat, and how a small moment of…
If I get famous, that means they're trying to kill me. Not that I'd ever get famous, right? Right? I'm kidding, but honestly, I'm still reeling a bit from that post I made yesterday. More than anything, it's hard to see why "they" would even want to make me famous in the first place. It might seem like I'm framing the antecedent as the Epstein-class or something, but…
Hey guys, can we stop trying to turn the Small Web into Reddit, please? Yes, this is about Bubbles . All the guy who made that did was rip the feeds from aggregators that already do their job and put upvotes and comments on it. I DON'T WANT THE SMALL WEB TO BE INTEGRATED WITH THE FEDIVERSE. The Fediverse is a stupid concept because microblogs like Mastodon and Bluesky just do Xitter, but…
Out and about with my folks this weekend, but I'm still making time to do, well, you know. Anyway, I don't really have a whole lot on my mind, except for the sounds of nature. I think a lot of people say that they want to get out into nature to get away from the "hustle and bustle" of the city—cars driving on the streets, lots of chatter, those assholes with the exhaust mods on their…
I was at a baseball game with my folks yesterday, and it was a good time. I didn't really spend much time watching the game, but it was cool to see those guys playing; it was a visceral experience compared to watching it on a television. When watching a game on a screen, it's almost surreal, like I can't trust that it's actually happening; but seeing those guys in the flesh,…
Today's post is part of the IndieWeb Carnival , with this month's theme being "No Way!?" and hosted by Alex Hsu . I really like the theme for the carnival this month. Most of my life has been a series of "No way!?" moments, particularly due to my bipolar disorder and many forays into hallucinogenic drugs; not to mention, a past part of my life as a drug dealer, bartender, and bike…
Can you believe we made it to another day? Can you? I took a late afternoon nap yesterday, and yet again I had a series of strangely vivid and metaphysically discombobulating dreams. The highlight from these dreams: I was watching a weather report from some news station, and the weather reporter was talking about an upcoming "padromal" storm that hadn't been seen by anyone alive today; it was…