We’re Not Just Losing Elections. We’re Losing Each Other.

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I had reached out to my readers not too long ago and asked about things they would like me to look at and search. I’m proud to say that I’ve actually made it a point to get through the list and I have a few more things to check off, but for the most part I’ve done a hell of a job getting through it.

While I was making my list and taking the topics and trying to figure out how to research the subject matter, I had to give pause to one of the comments I had gotten. It was originally framed as a request about the economy but when I read the request more closely, I saw something deeper in there that was a question that didn’t know how to be asked.

My reader wrote about not speaking to their family members in 10 years because of their support of Trump. That hit me hard. It actually hit me in a spot that I hadn’t been able to shake for a while now.

I don’t think that my reader knew they were asking me the question, but the question was rattling around in my mind like a time bomb. I knew I had to defuse it. If I was going to ask my readers what they wanted to hear, and I couldn’t answer the questions they had, then I would have to admit defeat and find my own limitations.

Let me tell you something. I’ve written 119 essays since May 1st. 31 in May, 30 in June, 34 in July, and as of today, 25 in August. I don’t believe in limitations. I have never released an essay under a thousand words. Typically most of them are above 2k words. That’s because I know if I go above that, people don’t want to be overwhelmed with reading.

Understand what I am saying. I don’t believe I have a limit when it comes to what I do. I don’t believe I have a point that I can’t achieve when it comes to writing. To me, doing this is like breathing. So if I had to accept a limitation or admit defeat in something, I don’t know how I would handle that.

Thankfully, this question didn’t do that.

Actually, what this question did is show me that I’m not alone in the fact that I have also cut off family members because of their political views. It hurts to say it and it hurts even more to admit that you see the world through such a different morality than people you consider family that you have to separate yourself from them, but it’s true.

Affective polarization is the emotional division and mutual distrust between different political groups. It occurs when supporters of one political party feel strong warmth toward their own group (”in-group”) but deep hostility, anger, and suspicion toward the opposing party (”out-group”), often viewing opponents as immoral or a threat rather than just disagreeing on policies.

That is the actual definition from the Oxford Academy. This isn’t something new, but for Americans it is something that has been happening at an alarming rate since around 2016.

I wonder what happened in 2016 that caused people to see the world so differently?

1 in 4 Americans used to state that they were not speaking to a relative. That was prior to 2016. That means if the Ninja Turtles came over, one of them refuses to call Master Splinter. That changed significantly a month before the 2024 election.

Now instead of just Raph refusing to call Splinter, it’s Raph and Leo. That’s right, that 1 out of 4 is now 1 in 2 Americans who say they do not talk to a relative. One in five of them admit that it is because of political reasons.

The part of it that needs to be stated is that this isn’t something Trump designed or created. The system was already there. Agent Orange just flipped the switch to eleven and made sure that he pressed at all the right spots to encourage it.

Back in 1960, 5% of Americans admitted that they would have been upset if their children married across party lines. By 2012, that number had risen to 40%. That seems like a huge jump in that time period. It has doubled now. In fact, researchers discovered that party now outranks race and religion as the identity Americans hold hardest.

Don’t give Adolf Shitler credit for something he didn’t create. It’s bad enough that he is always sticking his fat fingers in other people’s projects and trying to wrap it in shitty gold, don’t give him this.

I have another statistic that I’m not sure how I feel about. It’s a strange one, and it is one worth noting, but before I give it to you let me give you all some context.

Growing up, I was raised close to my cousins. My uncles were my father figures, and their kids were like siblings most of the time. There are age gaps and age differences, but they have always been family. I know a lot of people think of cousins as people you kinda know, but in our family your cousins were your friends.

My cousin was a “libertarian,” which to me is someone who has fallen for corporate propaganda so badly that they believe these corporations deserve to be in charge of the country. That is neither here nor there, it is just to say that he believed all government intervention was evil and an overstep.

Once Trump came into power, my cousin became a cult member. He joined MAGA hard. I’m talking full in on all the crazy bullshit that was around and circulating with the cult. In fact his most recent psychobabble is that Jeffrey Epstein is immortal and is Thomas Jefferson. He also said that all the gravity was supposed to turn off for a certain amount of time in early August. Clearly he missed the mark.

Regardless, he went from being someone who believed that any government oversight was a crime to a guy who wanted to see Trump have absolute authority and power. He wanted to see Trump be president forever.

The reason is simple. He isn’t rich. He is a white guy who is married with 4 kids and works as an accountant. He has parents and in-laws who help and make sure that he always has a safety net, but he has never really had to learn what struggling is. Instead, he is the definition of privilege.

Don’t worry though, he has black friends.

Anyway, during the events surrounding the shooting of Charlie Kirk, he and I got into a heated exchange. It ultimately came down to the fact that I found we had a significant difference in morals and values. I had no desire to be around people who would accept the things that have been happening in this country, and I refuse to let my children be exposed to that garbage.

We haven’t spoken since. In fact, I haven’t spoken more than pleasantries to my uncle, his father, since then either. It makes me incredibly sad, but two things happened. My cousin and I exchanged personal attacks (I accused him of changing his entire world view to fit into his wife’s family) and he told me that my family has always hated me and thinks I’m a terrible human being.

My uncle, I think in some strange way to end the dispute, told me that I was “an asshole” and I “don’t know half the shit I think I know.” He said all I did know was when it’s time to shut the fuck up.

That was it for me. I’m sure he said something to his son. In fact, I’m positive he did. That being said, I no longer have the energy or willpower to pretend like what was said to me didn’t hit hard. I’ve seen him a handful of times since, and I’ve avoided conversation when I can and I’ve engaged when I have to, but nothing other than pleasantries that you would say to someone in an elevator.

The reason I explain this is because the stat that makes me uncomfortable is that one in five politically estranged people never reconcile. Even when facing a death in the family, that isn’t enough to restart contact. That is a cruel fact, and unfortunately I feel it in my bones and I would be lying if I said that I have any desire to ever try to have contact with my cousin.

I’m not convinced I wouldn’t just punch him on sight. I wish I could say differently. Unfortunately, this is one of those situations where violence isn’t the answer, it’s the solution.

Remember when I said not to give credit to Trump for this? In 2016 there was a $7 billion ad campaign, which was focused on creating fear and anger. That was the stated goal for the ads. Trump’s campaign knew that people would vote for him out of anger for the system before they would vote because of his qualifications.

Those ads were also specifically aired during family dinner time because they knew that families together would have conversations about the topic and it would cause massive arguments and strife that Trump would be able to use to further his political career.

It has caused what is called value-based estrangement. It isn’t a fight, not an argument. It is a rift that happens when people find that their family members have values incompatible with their own. In fact, this used to be what they would call the subtype of family dispute when families would “disown” their homosexual family members or “shun” family members who left a certain religion.

It has now become a political strategy.

The mechanism of this is actually defined as well. Partisan moral conviction: it is when people start perceiving that the parties and their affiliates are matters of right and wrong, rather than matters of preference. People who moralize their political attitudes oppose the very idea of political compromise, and moral conviction even predicts opposition to candidates willing to negotiate with opponents.

I want to be clear with that as well. Like with everyone, I have bias. I have political preference and I think I’ve been pretty clear with my dislike of all things Trump. That being said, I fall into this category. I can point to things that the MAGA party has done that I find immoral and I cannot be convinced that there is any redeeming factor of it.

What that means is I fall into the category of 2 out of 3 Americans who say that they aren’t estranged from family because of political reasons but because the political reasons revealed a moral position, and the research says once a thing is moralized, it stops behaving like an opinion and starts behaving like a sacred value.

Research has shown that humans can disagree on tax rates and still find common ground, but people will never be able to compromise if cruelty and bigotry are acceptable. It’s also the reason that things like a funeral aren’t enough to make people reconcile.

A funeral is an emotionally charged event. Emotions, no matter how strong, don’t appeal to values.

Karl Pillemer, a Cornell sociologist, ran the first large-scale national survey on estrangement. His 2020 book is called Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them, based on the ten-year Cornell Family Reconciliation Project.

In it he talks about things that apply directly to me. He talks about the collateral damage that happens from these fractures and the way it ripples across family lines. In almost all cases, it ends up tearing apart more than just the two people who disagree.

Pillemer calls this the loss of social capital, which is what happens when you are cut off from the emotional support and material resources family provides. The first one is the event, the second one is the victims, the third one is the fallout. Research has shown unresolved rifts create chronic stress for everyone involved, and the evidence clearly shows that kind of stress leads to depression, anxiety, and physical health problems.

This has happened before in American history. Seriously. Almost at the same level as we are experiencing now. I know a lot of you are thinking possibly during Vietnam or the Red Scare. Maybe even during Obama because everything is his fault.

The last time the country was this divided was when Mary Todd Lincoln had six relatives fighting for the Confederacy. That’s right, it took the Civil War to actually return this country to a united front.

It’s also worth noting that the dispute then, much like the dispute now, was centered around the concept of what human rights were and who deserved them. It’s also worth saying that history was very clear about who was right and who was wrong.

That’s why there is a street in almost every city called Martin Luther King Blvd and not Jefferson Davis Ave. It’s also worth noting that the problems during this time are caused by the same people that are upset that there isn’t a Jefferson Davis Ave in every city. It’s the same people that will say the South only wanted states rights, without ever admitting that the right they wanted was to own people.

This world is hard. This country is hard. Life itself is a constant challenge and stress. If we can’t rely on the ones we call family to share our values and morals, then those challenges and stress become harder.

To everyone like me who has had to cut off family completely because of issues like this, I want you to know you aren’t alone. You aren’t the only one. I can’t promise there is an answer or a cure for this, but take some solace in the knowledge that history will show clearly who believed in human rights and who stood against them.

Stay loud, stay informed, stay dangerous.

-Nicholas J. Orcutt

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