As inflation causes the cost of everyday purchases to soar, shoppers are also being hit by ‘shrink-flation’, as many food manufacturers opt to make their products smaller instead of increasing the price. Ron Stutter, a spokesman for the Consumer Action Group ‘Regulation In Pricing Of Food Favourites’ (R.I.P. O.F.F.) says, “It’s time for manufacturers to stop treating their customers like they’re…
Didn't get the GCSE results you were looking for? Here are five takeaways for you: Uber Eats Deliveroo Just Eats Food Hub Big Jim's Taxis Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking…
To the dismay of the real Royal Family, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are moving back to the UK later this month, leaving them desperately searching for excuses to avoid having to invite them for Christmas. It is rumoured that the Sussexes are returning to the UK because they have secured a new TV deal with Sky. Their new TV series, ‘The Spare Returns to Blighty’ is expected to feature Harry…
To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be…
The return of Harry and Meghan to the UK is not news, but that hasn't stopped it being treated like news. But it is not news. Pearl clutching Daily Mail readers across the UK – especially in the Home Counties – have been furious about this non-news. However, many are also secretly relieved, with some even quietly fist pumping and Nazi saluting in celebration. 'It's just not the same when she's in…
Scientists now understand how a tiny creature from long ago evolved to doing away with an anus. Professor Magnus Trout from the Isle of Wight Institute of Natural Sciences explains:- “During the course of the development of life on Earth, nature tries all types of combinations – including those that end up in evolutionary dead ends – if you’ll pardon the pun. So for every creature such as this,…
A radio listener has complained to Classic FM that, after four hundred years of classical music, it only broadcasts four pieces: Cavatina, the Warsaw Concerto, Borodin's Polovtsian Dances and Shostakovich's Waltz Number 2. Classic FM has responded by blaming classical composers, who, it says, have been resting on their laurels for four hundred years. 'What has Bach, Beethoven, Brahms and Liszt…
In a move that has left Buckingham Palace reeling, Harry and Meghan are teaming up with Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor to launch 'Brassic World', a theme park billed as the ultimate destination for fans of fallen royals. Inspired by Jurassic World, the attraction will feature carefully contained specimens of disgraced blue bloods, allowed to roam freely in purpose-built habitats. Visitors can board…
An AI start-up with no staff, no premises, no cash and no offices has sold for $40bn. The LA-based start-up went viral in a series of TikTok videos which resulted in the company being bought out. The videos are positive and uplifting stories about skateboarding kittens, rocket powered sailing boats, curing cancer, manned missions to other galaxies, and the simple joy of eating the cheesy snacks…
This wholesome ritual of post-battle bonding can be spoiled if you ignore simple precautions. Ensure all fragments of club, sword or spear are removed from the skull, as these can be harmful if swallowed. You need to carefully watch your alcohol consumption on these occasions, especially if your slain enemy had a large head. A capacious cranium filled with beer could put you over the drink-driving…
John Swinney, SNP first Minister of Scotland, today defended his and his staff's almost £100,000 bill for visiting the US to watch Scotland play in the World Cup against Haiti. He pointed out that the trip also included a trade mission to Kentucky. Although Kentucky is nowhere near Boston, he insisted that he had done no wrong. 'Myself and my team were representing Scotland at the Scotland…
The Prime Minister has unveiled a plan to end rough sleeping, promising to 'get everyone in for Christmas' by offering homeless people accommodation in Travelodge hotels. However, the plan has been criticised by one homelessness charity, who pointed out that asking homeless people to sleep in a Travelodge may not be the safest solution, citing several recent reports of strangers walking into…
A food delivery cyclist has been roundly condemned by the peloton of all cyclists everywhere, for accidentally obeying a red light at a junction. In a tearful statement, the cyclist kept their visor on so as not to be identified. In a pair of fluffy gloves attached to some handlebars, they typed their statement into a phone, whilst not looking where they were going. 'Usually I interpret a red…
'You have reached the UK Government. We are currently on annual leave until September. Please hold and you will be put through to your Member of Parliament as soon as the donor funded Sambuca-fest on a private island in the Caribbean vomits forth its degenerate and soul-blackened gravy train. Your cost of living crisis is important to us. If you would like to receive a call back from the chinless…
Andy Burnham today repeated his denial to reporters that he was not embarrassed by the message exchange with someone purporting to be the chief of staff for US President Donald Trump. 'I repeat that I am not embarrassed by the exchange of messages with a person purporting to be US President Donald Trump's chief of staff,' stated the Prime Minister. 'But I can assure you - once again - that no…
Researchers for the Hampshire Business Improvement Network say that wildfires in the New Forest have boosted the local economy. 'There is a good news story here,' said a spokesman. 'It's not all about ecological damage and frightened ponies. The fires did attract extra visitors and those visitors spent money on food and drink, accommodation and fire extinguishers. We reckon that the total benefit…
The Edinburgh Fringe is happening again, as we speak. If you have a show there, then good luck and break a leg. Later this month the Fringe will announce its top ten jokes. In the spirit of friendly competition, we are offering up our own ‘Best jokes of Newsbiscuit’. These have been selected by our own entirely biased and largely imaginary editorial committee, and culled from our Headlines. We’d…
