The darkness..

I play on two fields in this life.

I know happiness, I have rented there sometimes, but I have never truly lived there... I live in the dark shadows and I feel more enveloped there.

I see the presents in my life, the gifts that I have been given,

I’ve felt them, I love them, yet I do not live with them.

The darkness calls me, I feel it more heavy, stronger than anything else.

Grief, pain, sadness... they give me a comfortable home. I know them.

I have loved them all my life as they have surrounded me like wings of a bird.

Happiness has come like a gentle friend

Bringing the most beautiful and shiny gifts for me to play with

Calling out for me to leave the darkness behind once and for all.

For all that I am, I have tried so hard to love the happiness more than the shadows of the darkness...

But alas, the shadow is always there, it holds me close

I am always a step away from its embrace.

I have even been angry, why can’t I love the happiness more?

What is wrong with me? These beautiful shiny baubles that I am so fortunate to have.

Why can’t I just live with them, I love them all so much...

I find every ounce of happiness in their presence,

Yet the darkness always wins... like an old love

It brings me back to its blackness and I am all but lost once again.

I know now I love the darkness because it never disappoints me

It always comes, it always breaks me, like an abused love... I am always broken

It’s main characters of grief and hurt are constants and I hate change... so I am always waiting on my familiar friends

But I protect my shiny gifts of happiness from the pain that is my shadows

I take all the pain for me; my happiness will never be tainted... I will always visit... But I will never live there... for happiness is an illusion that fades and darkness is inevitable.