INFESTATION OF KNIVES

I woke up this morning to find some amazing video of our resident beavers taken by ManFriendJeff. (See below!) Watching them feels like taking a Silkwood shower, I feel a smile stretch the corners of my mouth. A fluttering fills my chest. I thought we would have a total of four this year with a new baby, but it turns out we have FIVE! One new baby, and an adult that has come from elsewhere? I have no idea, but I am overjoyed. It’s been a hard couple weeks for various reasons, so this beaver news is a sweet breeze blowing through my soul, clearing out the dust where the tanks have been rolling though.

Between working on “Thelma and Louise” and writing a lot about how people protect abusers, I am tired, but further galvanized in my loudness. The trauma of sexual assault and abuse is different for everyone. For me it lives inside my body like errant, dormant knives. When triggered or activated they wander around inside me at different rates of speed and violence. They have different frequencies of pain. I instinctively set my jaw to “crush,” so that I may bear them. I have been bearing them a long time and I am good at it. No calibre of “Man up” or “Shut up” can match my strength. It is not a strength I chose or even want, and certainly not one I’m proud of, but I am iron now. I don’t resent that strength though, it’s mine. If you have those knives wandering around inside you, I see you. It gets easier if you are ready to investigate the pain, and it really doesn’t have to define you. You are not broken, marred or sullied. You are an indivisible soul. Period.

If you are someone who has spoken out, the first place someone will try to attack is your credibility. This is the oldest, laziest trick in the book, but most people have it as a cultural preset. I had it too sometimes, even though I had been previously assaulted. It was a knee-jerk reaction. I had to overcome it. It wasn’t hard, it just took some critical thinking and sharing of experience. Yes, every accusation must be taken seriously and both sides looked at, but the automatic pre-set should not be “ the accuser of a sexual assault is probably a liar or defective or weak in some way.” Our culture doesn’t seem to have an equitable way to deal with this, but I will not stop being hopeful that we can find it. A large swath of our younger generations have a better understanding of consent and agency at an earlier age. Their tools for self-advocacy are better than that of Gen X or before. This gives me a great deal of hope. And like I said, having had something terrible happen to you need not define you. There are better tools for healing also, though we do need to make them more accessible so it’s not just people who can afford it getting the help they need.

One of the saddest parts of this whole mess is that those who have been abused are the vast majority. We are legion, unfortunately. Both my mother and my father were sexually abused. Most of the women I know have been sexually assaulted, harassed or coerced. Many of the men I know have too, and I’m sure there are more who don’t talk about it. Our culture around this is broken, duh, everyone loses. Even the abusers, though it doesn’t look like it on the surface, as they seem to get away with everything. Our society even seems to have a calibre of abuser that is considered prestigious, which is Hell to witness. Again, we all lose. And again, I will not give up hoping or speaking out.

I work daily on the musical “Thelma and Louise,” a story by the great Callie Khouri. We examine every nook and cranny of the places touched by rape, sexual assault, misogyny and its violence. We examine resilience, growth, hope, camaraderie and love. We have a large team of people working so earnestly to make it happen. We all believe deeply in this story. When we all put our heads together and serve the story we solve every problem, we remove every snag and roadblock. Every day I am amazed by the collaborative power and spirit. I know we can do this, not just as our collaborative team working on this project, but as our communities and ultimately as our society. Humans, remember how smart you are and what great problem solvers you are. Especially when we put our heads together and let people’s individual strengths shine for the greater good. Ego-schmeego. Nobody needs to be a hero, we need to pass the buckets of water in a line to put the fire out. Heres to hope! XO

Speaking of community, here is the palette cleansing video of the mama beaver and her new baby. SOOOOOOOOOO cute!