I’m going to roll with the Michael Jackson lofi while I type this post. But hold onto your ass, ‘cause you’re gonna get rocked!
Pick one of the four “peace” categories (with a Higher Power, with self, with others, with the world) and write about where you currently stand with it. What would moving one step closer look like this week?
Let’s start this party by pretending we’re Dave Mustaine’s dentist.
Here’s the big question. Am I at peace with anything?
With a higher power?
I don’t even know if such a thing exists. I often act as if. I am sometimes pretty sure there are higher powers. But then there are times when I’m like, no, there’s no such thing, life sucks, and then you die. So, what difference does any of it make?
With self?
I am least at peace with myself out of all things, so I think I’ll set that mess to the side for now.
With others?
Not really. I always assume other people think I’m weird, broken, and/or stupid. If there was an island of misfit toys, even they wouldn’t want me.
With the world?
The world is a fucking mess. I’m not going to go deep into my political opinions, but when megalomaniacs are in charge, they always make things worse. Plus, it cost me fifty bucks to fill the tank of my reasonably economical midsize 2011 Ford Fusion yesterday after Waze got my ass lost out in the middle of nowhere, Farmville, when I was trying to get to a podiatrist’s appointment I didn’t want to go to. Then when I tried to call the office to apologize for not being able to make the appointment, the phone overheated and stayed that way for the next half hour.
If I was still going to the Abstinence-Based program that shall not be named, I would feel ashamed about the fact that after I filled up my gas tank, I went across the way to the Mickey D’s. It’s not like I eat Mickey D’s every day. My stomach would not be pleased with me if I did that. But I was there and it was there. I fed my car. Now it was time for me to eat. I didn’t feel guilty about getting food from McDonald’s, except for the fact that they’re corporate and scummy. I’d rather have patronized a small local establishment, but I wasn’t in a position to be picky.
Anyway, as far as the world is concerned, allow me to quote a song that got me through the nineties. Pardon my profanity, but I can’t quote this song without it, and I already cussed anyway.
It’s just one of those days when you don’t wanna wake up
Everything is fucked, everybody sucks
You don’t really know why
But you wanna justify rippin’ someone’s head off.
I do know why I feel this way though, at least partly.
It makes me really angry that I’m likely three-quarters of the way through my life at this point. There is now no chance that I will ever succeed at anything. I feel like I spent most of my life sleepwalking because I was always trying to distract myself from how sad, angry, and misunderstood I felt. This really pisses me off and makes me want to break something.
I’m not really the kind of person who goes around breaking things. But I’m resonating with this old favorite tune big time since I’ve been having nuclear bomb dreams and repressed memories resurfacing to chew on my ass.
It’s time for a hat trick!
I don’t want to hate my parents, but I sure as fuck am angry at them for setting me on this path. Like the EDA text says, it’s about feelings, not food. I developed an eating disorder to distract myself and to feel like I had some kind of control over my life.
My relationship with food isn’t especially problematic at this point. I’ve been using intuitive eating principles for ten years now. My body image issues and self-loathing are out of control at times. I would love to feel at peace with myself or with something, but I don’t know if that’s even possible.
I sometimes think about the fact that I was a sweet, well-meaning kid who was targeted for bullying. I became the snarky creature you see before you as a defense mechanism. I’m not sure I liked who I was when I was in my teens, but I liked certain parts of her. I understand why she formed. I’d just like her to shut up about this body we live in.
It all makes me really tired sometimes.
I can’t say for sure what the future holds, but I’ve never been a particularly optimistic person. I’m trying to be neutral. That’s about the best I can manage most of the time.
That is, unless I find something to break.
Ornery Owl Has Spoken
Ornery Owl is tired.
Helpful Resources
https://eatingdisordersanonymous.org
The Anti-Diet
Body Positivity deck
The Fuck It Diet
Health at Every Size
Intuitive Eating book
Making Peace with Food deck
Tired As Fuck
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