I Am Forever Changed

I am forever changed. What used to feel like my life now feels as if I am on the outside looking in.

I knew that I would not get the Covid vaccine. When I was 15 years old I suffered a vaccine injury that landed me in the hospital for 3 months with a severe case of Guillain Barre Syndrome (GBS). At the time there was no explanation for the cause. “It usually comes after a virus”, was the only explanation available.

It wasn’t until the birth of my first child and faced with the decision about whether or not to vaccinate that I started investigating. I did the usual childhood schedule for her first 18 months, but then I talked with some other mothers who were choosing not to vaccinate. I read the book How to Raise a Healthy Child in Spite of Your Doctor by Dr. Robert S. Mendelsohn. Great book. I began to put two and two together and determined, on my own, that my case of GBS was most likely a consequence of the Hepatitis B vaccination that I had received. I only got the first of the recommended three shots, because I didn’t like the way I felt after the first one. I can’t recall exactly how that was because that was 40 years ago now, but I do know that I did not opt for the last two shots and I was paralyzed in Children’s Hospital less than a month after the first shot. Nobody mentioned vaccine injury at that time.

This experience led me down the anti-vaxxer road, which was littered with intelligent and progressive thinkers, although it was still considered a fringe and somewhat conspiratorial belief system even among the liberals. But I was, and am, comfortable there, in the fringe. I had a group of friends, fellow homeschooling mothers and others with whom I could talk freely about such things: no vaccines, unschooling, goats milk, the usual. Then Covid hit. I was amazed at how fast, and seemingly without much thought, my fringe cohort fell into the fold.

I cannot blame them though. Had I not had the GBS experience, I may have believed the hype too. It was such an incredibly scary and strange time. Anyone with a history of GBS cannot receive the flu vaccine, and although GBS was not on the approved list of ailments that exempted me from having to receive the vaccine, I knew that I was not willing to risk it, even if my Doctor was. I was unable to continue teaching, because I was not vaccinated. My family was sympathetic because of my history, but they were all getting vaccinated. I printed out a fake vaccine card so I could keep my rights as a citizen to move around freely and eat in restaurants and go to events. I joined a small independently owned gym that I had heard didn’t require masks or get vaccines.

I can count on one hand the people I know that did not get vaccinated for Covid. To this day, those are the only people I can talk to freely about my views on politics.

I first saw Heather and Bret on Bill Maher, sometime in 2020 and that is when I had found what has turned out to be my life raft for the past 6 years. Seemingly the only people in my life, except that small handful, who are able to think clearly. Even still. Now my friends and family are suffering from TDS (Trump Delusional Syndrome). They can’t see straight. Just a bunch of reactionary apes as far as I can tell. I do not like Trump either. I wish he was not so divisive and was more diplomatic, but whatever. If this is what it takes to enable Kennedy to save our country, I am all in. God Bless RFK, Jr. and his absolute courage in the face of what must be a horrifically hostile environment.

As for my little life and the people I am with, I choose not to be divisive. I hold my tongue constantly. There is no convincing anyone of anything. They are too entrenched in their belief systems. I wish sometimes that I could have remained ignorant. At least I would still feel like I belonged, but that ship has sailed. I will never blindly vote Democratic again. I cannot watch the news anymore. I do not have anyone on my side. I will just have to be content with being on the conspiratorial fringe, looking in, waiting for the next episode of DarkHorse so I can hear the voices of reason once again.

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