Madame Butterfly’s Sister Attempts International Relations, Proving once and for all that the Graham Family Tree is a Wreath

After yesterday’s brief personal interlude, which felt exactly like standing up naked and turning around very slowly and which I will not do again for a while, thanks, I’m back at the jukebox, letting you drop your coins while I play some political tunes. It’s what your friendly neighborhood literary sniper does best, dodging the firehose of bullshit from the front lines and commenting on the chaos. It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.

The current President of the United States isn’t good at statecraft, or economic policy, or telling the truth, or at maintaining global stability, or walking in a straight line, or military theory, or reducing the now $40 trillion national debt, or hiring at least minimally sentient Cabinet members but you know what he is good at? The thing that makes him not just a king, but a goddam ace?

I’ll let the man himself tell you what he’s good at, speaking at a tour of the construction of Versailles on the White House grounds yesterday, highlighting the granite and the grass and the flagpoles. Listen to the story now:

“And this is a great pole, this is the top of the line. It’s tapered. This isn’t a straight up-and-down job, which looks terrible, frankly. That’s a tapered pole, great, I’m very good at flagpoles.”

Flagpoles. Not negotiating the end of a war that he started, or addressing housing prices, or making food affordable, or offering accessible health care, but flagpoles. And really, isn’t that all a country really needs to thrive? What makes a nation great is aesthetic superficiality, not military prowess or geopolitical superiority. Flagpoles, and not just any flagpole, oh no. A tapered one. Next he’s going to tell us it’s ribbed for our pleasure as we build Hoovervilles.

And the people bowed and prayed to the flagpole god they made.

He also took the time to delve into his signature geopolitical 5D chess genius about his BFF, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un: “The fact that I get along with [Kim Jong-Un], that’s a good thing, not a bad thing. He has 57 very powerful nuclear weapons. Should have never allowed it to happen. They should have never allowed it. If I were President, I wouldn’t have allowed it, but he’s got ‘em. I get along with him very well. Can’t let Iran have a nuclear weapon. And I know Kim Jong-Un very well. And he’s gonna be fine. As long as we have a smart President, he’s gonna be fine. If we had a dumb President, then he’s probably not gonna be so fine.”

Revealing possibly classified information that he just declassified by speaking about it. Stupid, right? Remember that Trump was President when North Korea was developing their nuclear weapons. Incomprehensible? It’s a requirement if you’re a Republican. I’ve got another sterling example of the brain trust that is the GOP. It’s not a bug, it’s a feature and cranial rectal inversion is the order of the day.

The late, unlamented Sen. Lindsey Graham’s sister, Darline Graham, was tapped to serve out the rest of his term and now’s she running on her own for his Senate seat and she’s, well, just dig the Mayella Ewell realness for yourself at a debate yesterday:

Greta Van Susteran: “Senator, are Taiwan and the South China Sea national security issues to the United States? If so, why?“

The correct answer is “Fuck yeah” but not for Darline. She flopped, and she flopped spectacularly, offering definitive proof that the Graham family tree is a wreath.

Darline, after asking Greta to repeat the softball question so she could stall for time: “I’m just gonna be honest here. I’m not on national security that much, I’m not informed on national security, so… [long pause] But I do support the military. My brother was in the Air Force for thirty-three years, so I will do everything I can to support the military. My dad was in the Army, so I’m not a polished politician up here, national security is not my thing, not my area of expertise, but I do support the military.”

This little exchange got her booed by the crowd, but when she said “I fully trust President Trump when it comes to the war in Iran,” all was well again. All she had to say was “All of my national security information comes to me from President Trump and I have the utmost faith in his geopolitical genius” and the crowd would have been at her feet. To be fair, though, her opponent (Rep. Ralph Norman) wasn’t much better, muttering that China would never attack Taiwan because Trump is so tough in Iran and China’s scared of our big tough flagpole god.

I do find myself wondering what her “thing” is? Collecting “Live, Laugh, Love” signs and crosses made in China? Maybe she should have used her spirit fingers.

Keep in mind that Darline is running for the United States Senate. I’m not informed on national security much myself, to be fair, but I do have access to logic. How does Taiwan and the South China Sea affect national security? World War III is how. The carrier USS George Washington was deployed there, because China has been menacing Taiwan for a while not. The Washington is heading to the Middle East to relieve the ailing USS Abraham Lincoln. And now there is nothing protecting Taiwan from China. China attacks Taiwan, and Shit Goes Down.

For one, the United States (theoretically) and allies like Japan in the Indo-Pacific region would have to get involved and next thing you know, presto, a clash between global nuclear powers. Shall we play a game?

Taiwan also makes a majority of the microchips used by the rest of the world. Losing those manufacturing facilities would affect every aspect of our lives, from auto manufacturing to electronics to communications.

A big portion of global shipping would stop, and think about how many countries trade with China (just go look at Amazon). That would trigger what economists like to call an “economic depression”. Brother, can you spare a dime?

So these are just the very basic things a Senator of the United States should be aware of. It’s obvious she hasn’t read one single thing about the job, or used her staff to update her on issues that she needs to be aware of. She just wants the paycheck to buy more shitty hair clips from China, and because she was related to Madame Butterfly, that should qualify her to be Senator. But not for long. Un bel di, vedremo.

That’s all I have for you today, kittens.